Thank you Kennedy, And thank you God!

I was ready. When I heard the word, "lymphoma" I didn't even flinch. Don't get me wrong, it was hard and there were days where I felt like I couldn't do it anymore, but that's how trials are! For the most part however, I was a warrior. I know God won't give you more than you can handle and He gave me exactly the right dose of tribulation. Just enough to bend me, not quite enough to break me.

For whatever reason, after falling in love with Harrison, I have had a terrible fear of losing him. I was 19 years old and stressing out every time my boyfriend went out of town. What if he gets into an accident? I couldn't live without him. That's just nuts! You're not supposed to live in that and dwell in that. Especially not at 19!

That fear became real for me days after my diagnosis. Harrison and I held each other and cried all night long. He refused to get up from the couch with me when it was time for bed. "Let's just stay here a little while longer." He would say, "We can be closer here." We didn't know how much time we had left with each other. But once the doctors assured us that the treatments would work quickly and effectively, it was war time! And we fought through.

I was in the car a couple of months ago listening to a new song that I'm obsessed with! I was soaking up the lyrics and praising God for what He did in our lives through my battle.

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior"

These words describe perfectly what God put us through. As I continued to worship, that daunting fear took over my thoughts again: what if something were to happen to one of us? I began to pray and plead that God would get rid of those horrid thoughts and the pain that came along with them. "Why am I dwelling on something like this? This is so unhealthy!"

All of a sudden I felt a calm and then I felt God speaking to me. "I already saved you. Wasn't that enough? I put you through a life threatening situation and I saved you. Did that not show you?" Feeling relieved,  I quickly changed the station and praised Him all the way home! "You are so right!" I thought. Isn't he always though?

Some of you may be familiar with Kennedy Branham, the 14 year old girl who just recently lost her fight with brain cancer. Harrison and I watched her story on the news last night and instantly fell in love with this young girls heart as we listened to her loved ones talk about her. This girl's only focus was to use her tragedy to share Jesus with others. Always smiling and not once asking God, "why?" As I watched a clip of her, having completely changed in appearance due to all of her medication, smiling as she hugged and thank someone, I felt God speak to me again. "I gave that to her, I didn't give that to you. She could handle it, you could not. I will never give you more than you can handle."

I know that sweet girl touched so many lives, teaching others about the peace we can have through a relationship with Christ. God used her life to teach me something too. Thank you Kennedy and thank you God!

Response to the Robertson's

Yes, I'm doing it. Joining in on the commodity of all the reporters, bloggers and irate Facebook sharers on Phil Robertson's dilemma. Is it really a dilemma though? I believe otherwise.

Just like when studying the bible, if you focus too closely on all of the nitty gritty details, you will miss the entire point; the moral of the story. I have written about this in previous posts. In the midst of my sinful nature I will go ahead and admit that I am so tired of all the picking and pulling apart of every little word that was said during his interview. Quoting every small detail of his words, the amendments, and even Miley Cyrus for crying out loud! But in the midst of all of the commotion, I think God has done a very clever thing here! I mean He is pretty smart, right?

Whether what Phil said was pushing the envelope or not, who cares! Look at all of the attention this family has gotten! All of America typing Phil Robertson's name into Google, and youtube in hopes of hearing what he has to say for himself.

I've looked up his name on those sites many times myself. Not to catch up on the latest gossip, but to listen to his sermons. America is "googling" the name of the man who has made some of the most incredible points I've ever heard.

The only thing that man and his family hope for is to spread the good news of Jesus Christ. I think God has answered their prayers. I doubt it was the way they were expecting, but God has put them all in a position where our nation is listening to what they have to say. Their voices are being heard!

I say something often that I never thought I would ever say: "God, thank you for blessing me with cancer." Sounds crazy right? But God answered my prayers during that difficult trial as well: He has made it way easy for me to share Him with others. After sharing my "Mary and Martha story" with my pastor, in response to my  joke, "I didn't literally mean it when I asked God to use me to speak to others!" he said, "No, you just didn't know what you were asking for."

As I have seen Him do it many times in my life, I believe when you put your hopes and dreams in the hands of the creator, He's going to give them back to you bigger and better than anything you could have ever planned out for yourself. I know He has done the same for this God fearing family.

Mary and Martha

The past 48 hours have been stressful and sleepless. I did very little over thanksgiving break after my surgery and it dawned on me just how much schoolwork I didn't get done come Sunday night. My "study buddy" and precious friend, Jeanette, is in the same boat!

We decided to meet at the library on Monday to knock out some studying. Bad idea! I've mentioned before that she and I don't do anything but talk when we get together. And talking, we did!

We have always felt strangely comfortable with one another to share what's on our minds and on our hearts. She has been going through some extremely difficult struggles and has fallen on hard times. I just let her talk it out. Soon enough some of her old skeletons fell out of the closet, and I watched her fall apart before my very eyes as she relived a traumatizing event. So much for studying! However, I'm glad God chose me to be the one to help comfort her.

Tonight it was time to get back to it! We both had specific things we needed each other's help with for our upcoming test. After my night class, I went straight to her house to tie up some loose ends on the studying. "Ok, I have enough time to clean up before you get here so your timing is perfect!" She told me in a text. "You do not have to clean for me! The only reason my house is so spotless is because Harrison is a neat freak!" But sure enough, as soon as I walked through the door, the smell of cleaning products smacked me right in the face!

We sat down to study and got off topic before we even started! Talking in disbelief about the evolutionary processes that we were trying to cram in our brains for the test. The bible opened up before the biology book did! I have so enjoyed these conversations with her. We finally got on track and hit the books.

Before I knew it, it was 2am. "Oh my goodness I need to get home!" Our conversation went down another rabid trail as I was packing up my things. This time we got onto another blood boiling subject: her previous religion. She was shooting out bible verses that eliminate any possibility of her former beliefs to be true. She was going on and on and all of a sudden, I totally zoned out of the conversation. I looked at her and saw this girl who had been so worn down. Tired and broken. But then I was reminded of the mind blowing thoughts, epiphanies, and revelations that she has come up with so early in her faith and with nothing but prayer and God's word to guide her. She was learning things that took me years to figure out after numerous explanations from my dad, my youth leader, and my pastors. In the midst of all of her struggles and hardships, I saw this woman who was so bright and so intelligent. "This isn't her. She's not going to be stuck in this rut. She's so smart and so above all of this. She's going to be just fine and she is going to do amazing things. If she just put every ounce of trust and gave everything she had to God, Oh my goodness, He is going to richly bless her!" These thoughts were swarming my head as she continued to ramble. And then I heard a voice, "Tell her."

My head became light, almost as if I was going to faint. My stomach was exploding with butterflies. "Tell her!" The voice got louder. "Taylor, tell her!"

She was so caught up in what she was talking about and I was completely gone from the conversation. I didn't want to cut her off so I began to pray for her. Repeating all of the thoughts that just flew into my mind about this girl. The butterflies were unreal and then I felt them start to drift away. I tuned back into the conversation. "This is so insignificant. Why are we talking about this?" I thought to myself, but now I knew, it wasn't me thinking this. Jesus was talking directly at me and Jeanette came to an end with her speech.

"I have to tell you something." I started. "I feel so light headed and my stomach is swarming with butterflies. Nothing like this has ever happened to me before." The look on her face changed completely. "I have to tell you that you're going to be ok. You are so smart and you are so above this." I said.  All of a sudden we were crying. Why was I crying? Not that I don't enjoy and care for her, but I don't have much to do with her situation. Then I continued,  "Put all of your faith and trust in God and you will do great things. And don't dwell on this stuff; these other religions. Focus on what is." I told her. All of a sudden the butterflies left my stomach and heart felt like it bursted right out of my chest.

"Taylor, did you just feel that?" Jeanette said. "My heart just felt so heavy, but open at the same time time." She cried.  "Yes, I felt it." How did she know to ask me that? What would  make her think that I was experiencing the same physical feelings? "When you said you were light headed and your stomach... I was feeling the exact same way!" She continued. "Taylor, your eyes got so big when you started talking to me. Your pupils were so dilated." She then reminded me of the story she told me in the library. "Every stranger who went out of there way to help me that day, they had these big blue eyes. I didn't get it at the time but then I saw your blue eyes get so big and it all made sense. It was Jesus!" She exclaimed. This reminded me of how the little boy in the book, "Heaven is for real" described what Jesus looked like. He couldn't stop talking about His eyes; His big sea blue eyes!

"Nothing like this has ever happened to me before. This is just crazy!" I told her. She then told me of a bible story she was reminded of. "You know that story about the two sisters who had Jesus over at their house? One of them was cleaning and cooking and told Jesus that her sister needed to be doing the same thing for Him?" She asked. I wasn't familiar so she went on to explain "Jesus told her to stop and that she should be doing what her sister was. Taylor, I was cleaning like a mad woman before you got here but then I felt God telling me to just calm down. I get it now. Jesus was here! Oh my gosh, He lives. Jesus lives!" Everything she was shouting was so biblical.

This is the craziest thing that has ever happened to me. I have been asking and praying that God would use me to speak to others for His glory. I didn't mean that literally! What an awesome answer to prayer!

I went home and found the story she was talking about. I think she and I both took on the roles of Mary and Martha!

Luke 10:38-42
New International Version (NIV)
At the Home of Martha and Mary

38 As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. 39 She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. 40 But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”

41 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, 42 but few things are needed—or indeed only one.[a] Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

Jesus and Makeup

Today was a momentous occasion. I got my port taken out! We had bible study tonight (which I refused to cancel. I wanted my friends with me during this time). Ashby's first words: "Tell me all about it! How do you feel? Physically? Emotionally?"

"It's over. The one thing that kept me emotionally tied down to the category 'cancer patient' is out of me. I feel normal again." I responded

Not only was this the reason it was such an important day, but we also had a huge opportunity to impact the lives of others as we were able to freely talk about our journey this past year; Sharing with doctors and nurses what God did in our lives. I was asking for many prayers today. Not because I was nervous, or worried about complications or infections, but because we wanted God to be glorified during our time at the hospital. And boy was He!

I had a couple of nurses come in and ask me questions about my medical history. One of them mentioned that she worked in the oncology center for years and actually knew my oncologist!

Then it was time for the anesthesiologist to come in and ask me the same questions. (The most expensive 2 minute conversation you will ever have!) After he left, the same nurse came in and leaned over my bedside. "I had to text him before he came in and just tell him that you are absolutely radiant. Something about you is glowing. I don't know if it's your skin or..." I chuckled and thanked her, "Makeup helps!" I told her. "You were obviously faced with this and accepted it and got through it." She responded.

This is all to say that God answered "yes" to our prayers! We asked that He would be glorified and that others would see Him in us and it is clear that they did! Everything that woman described... None of it was me. Only Jesus can make me look that good! And makeup ;) Harrison and I were only able to get through such a terrifying situation because we were getting our strength from a very mighty God.. The creator of the universe!

Harrison and I were waiting in the surgery prep area for hours. The person in surgery before me ended up having some complications, so we had to wait. As anxious as this made me, it allowed us to have more time to meet and impact more people. God's timing is always perfect!

Finally Doctor Taber entered our room. The last time he saw me, I was riddled with cancer, skinny as a bean pole, and sick as a dog. Today, I was cancer free and very healthy! As always I was a little embarrassed by the significant weight gain, but I was excited for him to see my 100% turn around. And he was too!

He took one look at the scar located above my port and said, "Oh yeah, we can tighten that up and it will heal much better." Score! No more giant red line across my chest? That was great news!

Finally, it was time for my relaxation medicine (the best part!) and a quick kiss goodbye from Harrison. They wheeled me back to the OR and started prepping me for surgery. The anesthesia started kicking in while the nurses were getting me all tucked in. "I'm sorry I know this is cold." They kept saying. "Listen lady, I feel great!" I said. "Well just close those eyes." She chuckled.

The next thing I knew, I was in the recovery room. "I don't feel sick, this incision doesn't hurt, and I'm totally alert." I thought. "Is it gone? I better check" I said to myself. I looked down. "No bruising!? My last two surgeries left nasty bruises. This thing looks great!" I continued. Then I felt. "It is gone!" I started trying out positions that normally would be uncomfortable due to the port. And... Nothing! I felt nothing! What a wonderful feeling...

Next they took me back to get dressed. Last time, I was so out of it that the nurse had to do this for me. Not this time! I got up, told the nurse "thanks, but no thanks," grabbed my clothes, and dressed myself! A big thanks to everyone who kept me in their prayers. God answered "yes!"

Before discharge, I handed the nurse a few cards with my blog site on them and made sure that she gave one to the sweet lady who had such nice things to say about me.

Matthew 13: 3-9

^"3 Then he told them many things in parables, saying: “A farmer went out to sow his seed. ⁴ As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. ⁵ Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. ⁶ But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. ⁷ Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants. ⁸ Still other seed fell on good soil, where it produced a crop—a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown. ⁹ Whoever has ears, let them hear.”

Will you all continue to join us in prayer as we pray for the hearts of our witnesses today? We will be praying that a seed was planted on good soil! I hope He says "Yes" to that too :)

We went into overtime, and God won.

I remember when I lived with my parents in Seattle, we had a night at youth group where we shared what God was doing in our lives. The lights were dimmed and there was pretty music in the background. God always moves of course, but that night He moved! I guess what is so awesome about it, is that it was an experience I shared with my closest friends. He was touching all of our hearts the same way.

We we're always very close as a group, sometimes in ways that would disgust most. For instance, if one of us had Starbucks at church and the person at the end of the row wanted a sip, we would each take a swig as we passed it down and then do the same as we passed it back. Talk about church family! But, hey,  we were also teenagers.

When we would sing together on Thursday night's, there wasn't a group of us on stage that were better than everyone else because we were musically talented. No, we were worshiping and praising God! Sometimes we would all get up and sit in a group on the stage, including the singers, and worship while we held onto one another. We would also sit together like this on night's when we shared with one another what God was doing in our lives. I remember when I got home from that particular night, I just didn't want it to end! I looked up the same song that was playing in the background on the internet and played it in repeat until I fell asleep. I slept on the couch that night so I could listen to it and continue to pray.

I never thought I would have anything like that again after I moved back to South Carolina, but I'm having one of those night's again tonight. I am I'm awe of how God moved this morning in church. This morning was the first time in a long time that I felt that same unity with my brothers and sisters in Christ, and we didn't even have to swap spit drinking after each other!

There is a girl in my class who has pulled on my heartstrings since the day she said me, "I've been struggling with so many things but when I saw your scar, I knew what I'm going through doesn't compare to what you have probably been through with your health."

We have gotten together on several occasions to study and have seriously failed each time. We always get so caught up in conversation. Her curiosity for Jesus was exciting and we would end up talking for hours about it. This has gotten me a parking ticket and B on my last test! But every moment has been worth it. I finally invited her to our church, not expecting her to come, but she did this morning!

Today was a perfect day for her to come because we had a worship team visiting who were awesome! Kim and Rance were there also which made me feel better having some people our age welcome her to the church.

The worship was beautiful and Pastor Shane's message was powerful. Before we stood up for the time of invitation I explained to her, "This is a time where you can go down and have Pastor Shane pray for you to receive salvation. No pressure whatsoever, I just wanted you to know that's what this time is for." We didn't even get to the chorus of the song and she was a blubbering mess! 

Thankful that I sat at the end of the row, I had Kim take my place comforting her while I frantically dug the tissues out of my purse. I had to get one for myself too... darn hormones!

Before I knew it, she went downstairs. I gave her a minute before I followed her down to check on her. There she was, "Where in the world is there a bathroom in this place!" She laughed. I didn't want to push her, I just asked her what was going on. "My family will be so upset with me if I do this." She confessed. "Jesus said, 'they will hate you because they hated me first.' But I promise there is nothing better and more comforting than letting Jesus have your life. Are you ready?" With a quick nod, we opened the door into the sanctuary.

Uh oh, the invitation song is over but at least they sang one more for a love offering. A buddy from Harrison's work was at the door. "Is everything ok?" He asked. "We need Shane." I whispered. He pointed him out and we walked down the isle together to get him. He immediately stood up to embrace her. She fell apart, and so did I! Stupid hormones! " She's ready." I told him.

Instead of praying with her right then and there like I had expected, he grabbed the youth pastor and his wife to take her into another room. I am so appreciative that he took the time to explain to her what it means to be saved so she could make an educated decision. He explained to her that we, as humans, deserve to be punished and we deserve to go to hell due to our sins. But Jesus took care of that for us when He died on the cross. After that, my sweet friend prayed a prayer that forever changed her.

"The bible says that the angels rejoice when someone gives their life to Christ." I told her. "That's right." Chase said. "They're rejoicing for you right now." He told her.

What a beautiful day in the midst of God's works with my church family there to support and be there for my new friend. I didn't want it to end! 30 Minutes before evening service started I said to Harrison, who was exhausted from working long hours day and night all weekend, "I'm still so pumped. I'm sorry, I'm leaving you to go back to church." I told him.

At church there was another beautiful message, as always, but I loved one thing Shane said during his sermon. "We had to go into overtime today, and we won! God won! Someone got saved today!" That's right. I explained to Harrison that if it wasn't for that extra song and those rare few minutes, we would have missed it. But even still, Northside sacrificed beating the Methodist to the buffet and went into overtime for my friend.

I still don't want this day to be over. Just like when I was 16 on the couch, in the basement at my parents house in Seattle, I've got this one song on repeat and I'm going to praise Him until I fall asleep.

Not your typical bad haircut

"I'm done being humble! I don't want to be like this anymore! Why do I have to continue this?" These are the words I shouted out at God on my drive home from the hair salon.

My hair has just very recently been at a length that allows me to do things I used to take for granted. I could tuck it behind my ears and use bobby pins! My favorite thing is when it got in Harrison's face when we snuggled. I loved it when he had to run his fingers through my hair to get it out of his way. " What an awesome problem to have! " I joked.

Now I was ready for a "big girl haircut." "There's finally enough to get it styled!" I was grinning from ear to ear the entire drive to the salon.

Last weekend I went to the mall to get some makeup and met the sweetest girl in the process. She made me feel confident and pretty. I never realized how important it is to feel good about yourself. It gives you motivation to fight through the treatments, and a drive for me to share my story with others. Because it really isn't my story, it's God's and it's my job to share Him with the world. Now that I think about it, He's made that very easy for me to do!

I decided to park all the way on the opposite side of the mall so I could walk through the makeup department. I forgot to give her my blog site! Luckily I found her, handed her a few cards and started for the salon. "I'll have a chance to give out more of my cards when I get my haircut!" I was having a great day.

When I got there I showed the girl a picture of what I wanted. "Do i have enough hair to do this?" I asked, worrying what her answer might be. "Definitely! This is going to look so cool!" She told me, and we proceeded to the sink so she could wash it! It's been a year since I've had to have my hair washed before the cut. Mandy always  squirts a little water on it and it's drenched. Not this time! I'm feeling like a new woman this time.

I sat down and she began snipping. I started to feel like she was getting a little carried away. "Calm down Taylor, she knows what she's doing." I thought to myself. When she turned my chair around for the big reveal, what in the mirror looked nothing like the picture I showed her. It was everything I could do to hold back tears. "No no no, there's nothing to tuck behind my ears! My bangs. My bangs are gone! It took almost a year for me to get those back and now they're gone!" I thought, trying not let it show on my face.

I had to pay and get out quick. "Thank goodness I decided to wear a hat today." I thought as I put it on the second I was out of sight from the salon. I rushed across the mall trying not let my emotions spill over. I avoided the makeup place. "I have to avoid that girl. If anyone takes notice of this haircut I'm guaranteed to explode with tears."

I barely made it to my car all in one piece. I fell apart the second I shut the door. I understand that this sounds dramatic but this is not just a typical bad haircut for me. No, for me this is ten steps back in the cancer recovery process. I have to start all over again growing my hair out.

God never let's things happen without reason, even little things like a bad haircut. "Why! Why do I have to look like a cancer patient for a few more months? I was there! I was finally there! I looked like my old self again. Why did you take that from me!" I shouted at God. Then Christian radio came in and saved the day again.

"When I fix my eyes on all that You are Then every doubt I feel Deep in my heart Grows strangely dim"

I don't know God's reason for keeping me in this state, but the only way I'm going to get through it is to fix my eyes on Him. Talk to Him, read about Him in His word, and worship and praise Him. I know that nothing else matters when I bury myself in His love. So I got my phone out, pulled that song up on youtube and listened to repeatedly all the way home. "All my worries fade And fall to the ground Cause when I seek Your face And don't look around Any place I'm in Grows strangely dim."

Ashby's step mom was in town that night and we were meeting them for supper. I forewarned her with a text before we got there, "don't say anything about my hair. If you draw attention, I will cry." My best friend's response: "Love you no matter what. I don't look at you for your hair." I needed to hear that and I needed the time we had that night. It was so good to see Allie and share memories across the table of stories from with Ashby and I were little.

When we got to Ashby's house, I pulled her aside and took off my hat revealing my haircut. "God needs you to look like this for a little while longer. He's not done with you yet." She told me. I'm so thankful for her. If the girl who cut my hair ever gets ahold of this blog, I hope she knows that God used her too. I'm surprised at the amount of people that ask me about my short hair. It opens up the door to share what God did in my life. Our church motto is,  "Doing whatever it takes to share Jesus." Even if I have to go a few more months with hardly any hair, if it's an opportunity to share Jesus, I'm in!

Is our bible still accurate?

I feel that I need to share what has contributed to making my faith as strong as it is because many people are very curious. There are two main things in particular. I have already posted one about my sister previously titled, "God hears, isn't that miraculous?" Well here I want to talk about the next one:  How the bible was written... Such an amazing story!

The bible is composed of 66 books, with over 40 different authors, and written over a span of 1600  years. And then when the story for put together something  amazing happens:   they flowed,  coming together creating a beautiful story.

Something I forgot to mention about all of these different authors: none of them knew each other. most of them even lived in different life times.  remember what I said? The part about the  1600 years?

The point I'm trying to make is this: That is an impossible thing to take place! How can 40-something "Joe Blows" write ONE story without coordinating with one another? This is one of the reasons why I believe that the bible is true and why I feel the need to live by it and do what it says.

I know one of the main arguments out there that people lean on and depend on is, " there are so many different versions of the Bible out there, it's not accurate anymore, blah blah blah blah "

I have done quite a bit of research on this and even took a course on the subject. I read somewhere that the Bible has been kept more accurate than Aristotle's writings. What! Another argument that a lot of people have is how the bible was passed down orally for a long period of time. That right there is enough for someone to say, "Forget it. There is no way it can be accurate through all of that!" But you have to understand the culture at that time. It was very strict. Parents would have their kids recite things everyday, making sure they had it perfectly memorized and engrained in their memory. Now, if it was our culture today passing down stories orally, then you really can forget it! But would you have a problem if everything was passed on electronically our day and age? Of course not! That's how we operate. And that's how they operated back then: passing things down through memory by being strictly enforced to do so. You have to understand what the culture is like during it's time.

The most important thing aside from all of the facts is the God we have. Our God is big. I have seen the miracles that he is performed in my life and in the lives of others. I know that he created the world in just 6 days and only by the breath of his mouth. I watched my lymphoma MELT AWYAY. Remember, this is the God who closed the mouths of lions, and parted the Red Sea. He allowed Sarah to concieve long after her "child bearing" years were over. How hard is it then for our God to keep His hand on His word, making sure that it remains unchanged?

Be Sweet

On our way out of lab yesterday my friend and I were stopped by an older gentlemen in our class. I’ve never met this man before and out of nowhere he started sharing his “arguments” in relation to what we just talked about in class. I like for my posts to be real but at the same time I want to keep them family friendly so I won’t get into details of our conversation. I can tell you he got into some very deep issues. I have no idea what made him feel like approaching my friend and I about this but I’m always thankful to have the opportunity to share Christ so I tried to choose my words wisely.

I don’t know much about genetics. I had just been introduced to them for the first time only 5 minutes prior to this conversation. So I am no place to form an educated opinion on his conclusion to these things.The only thing I could say that I knew for certain was, “Yes I believe we are all born sinners so we cannot help our desires for other things.” I got the hint very quickly that he didn’t appreciate my input. 
 
His next comment was, "Most people read the King James Version but that only came about because the original version was translated by some king into what is now the King James Version. So..." and then he walked off.

It was hard for me not to say something. I may not have my genetics down pat but I do know how the bible was written and how it was translated. I also know that our God is so powerful that if He wanted His word to stay accurate even through many translations, that He would keep His hand on it and make sure that happened. I wanted so bad to lash out and defend my Lord and savior but God's word says, "be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry." Not only that but it also says to "act out of love and not out of anger."

I'm so thankful for our church service immediately following this uncomfortable encounter. For the entire month of October, our Wednesday night meetings are titled, "Sweet Tea." (Everything is duck dynasty themed... Which is awesome!!)
 
Last night we talked about the opportunities we have when we're faced with adversity. The first thing we need to do is "be sweet!" In our weaknesses, we have the opportunity to be strengthened. "Even young men grow weary, but those who hope in the Lord, He will renew their strength."
 
I felt so weak standing there yesterday, saying nothing, when I had so much to say. But according to God's word, in our weakness, we have an opportunity to witness God's power to others. I guess I chose my words wisely by not saying anything at all.

"If it wasn't for..."

Friday is my favorite day of the week. Not only is the campus closed but I get to spend the whole day napping and catching up on my shows with my 5 month old niece. Unfortunately I couldn't keep her today as her mom stayed home.

As I was deep into the last season of  "Lost" on Netflix I got a text from my mom saying she was coming through town and wanted to stop by. Dang it! My mom has yet to see sweet Paisley and the one time I don't have her, she is in town! Oh well. Deciding that my appearance was too rough even for the woman who changed my diapers, I got up and took a quick shower before she came by.

We had a nice visit and as soon as she left my phone buzzed. It was Sarah (my PA) posting on facebook about our sewing class tomorrow. Shoot! I still havn't gotten any supplies for that. Thankful that I was already dressed due to my moms visit, I scrammed out the door to head into town and get what I needed for tomorrow.

While I was standing in line inside the fabric store a woman came walked in. I immediately took notice to how beautiful she was. Tall, blonde, and dressed to the tee! I noticed she kept looking at me. Feeling a little self conscious with my sweat pants and way overdue pedicure, I started fidgeting my clothes.

On my way out, she came out of no where and stopped me. "You're a survivor aren't you?" She asked me with a big smile. Confirming her suspicions she went on to say, "You can tell when you see one. I just noticed that there was something about you and then I saw your mark." She then pulled down the top part of her blouse revealing her matching scar. We finished up a tearful conversation and parted ways after I gave her my card with the blog website on it.

As I was headed back home I was thinking about my encounter with this woman. With the sound of the radio in the backdrop of my thoughts, I kept thinking about my scar. I stopped trying to hide it once it went from being an incision to a scar simply because it looks 100 times better than it did after my surgery. So it's not that noticeable to me, but it sure is to everyone else. I have so many people ask me about it. "Maybe I should try to cover this thing up." I though to myself, and then I tuned into the radio. It was a new song on Christian radio that I haven't heard yet and the words that were sung put my thoughts to a screeching halt. "And you wear your scars, Like they're who you are"

You can't make this up. The next set of lyrics put me into a full blown breakdown,

"Give Him your wounds, your bruised and broken pieces
All your questions, all your secrets
You don't have to hide who you are
You belong to someone greater
Than all your past mistakes and failures
Rested who He is
He knows how to make your pieces fit"

I mentioned in a recent post how my thoughts tend to spiral out of control and lead back to my cancer every single time. It happened again in that moment but it certainly was not in a negative sense like it has been every other time. I thought to myself: "I was in that store at the exact moment as that woman because my mom came when she did. That's caused me to get my lazy self off of the couch in the first place. I had to go get fabric which I wouldn't have been able to do if I was keeping Paisley today. I wouldn't be out shopping for fabric if I wasn't in this sewing class and I wouldn't be in this sewing class if I didn't know Sarah. And I wouldn't have known Sarah if I didn't have cancer."

It's days like this when I know God is who He says He is. Now I have a headache from all of those spinning thoughts! Here is the song that stopped me dead in my tracks today. And if it wasn't for this song, I probably wouldn't have written this post ;)

http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=meredith+andrews+pieces&FORM=VIRE1#view=detail&mid=93496E81B0EA3283335E93496E81B0EA3283335E

Forgiveness

I believe in priorities.  I think if you set them straight and enforce them it can change your life for the better.  I've written about this before and I want to write a whole book on it. God tells us what the greatest commandment is: to love Him with everything we have.  If we accomplish that,  we should have no problem prioritizing everything else according to His word.

I have done well with this. When I married Harrison I made sure that that God came first, he came second and I was to do everything I could to make sure nothing interfered with that.  I have put myself in uncomfortable situations where I've hurt people because I refused to let them into certain areas ofmy life. Areas  that I thought, if I let anyone in,  it would cause friction between my relationship with God or my husband.

I was successful in doing this. I love the Lord my God and I trust Him with my life.  Harrison lights up my whole world and the love I have for him is indescribable.

I left out an important part when I got these priorities straight. I didn't forgive these people for interfering. This has lead to a massive build up of anger. Yes,  I've recently talked about my medical problems that cause irritability but I don't think it's just that.

We had such an interesting sermon this morning. Our pastor used the cruise ship that crashed near Italy as an example of forgiveness. I didn't know that they recently turned the ship right side up to get it out of there. But there were a lot of things that came into play in order to do this. Just like there are a lot of things we need to do in order to get become "upright " in our own lives.

One of the many things they did was defule the ship to get rid of its excess weight, making it easier to get to the upright position. I have so much defuling I need to do.  I'm holding onto so much anger and it doesn't feel good.  The only way to get rid of this junk or this "fuel" is through forgiveness. I failed at this step.

Another thing our pastor pointed out was the way the ship looked when they finally got it up. Beautiful on one side but worn on the other. People can look like this too. Beautiful on the outside but messed up on the inside. There are a lot of people who look at me and see the girl who survived cancer with an unwavering faith. But just like everyone else, there are parts of me that are damaged too.

I loved how this morning he mentioned the cost that had to go into getting that ship upright. Millions of dollars in fees and such. Jesus already paid our debt though. We can seek His forgiveness and receive it free of charge,  no "works" required because of what He did for us on the cross.

My favorite part of the day was tonight's sermon and the verse that was mentioned: "seek and you will find." I'm seeking forgiveness and the beautiful thing about it is that I'm going to find. God said so!

No energy, no tolerance, and no concentration.

I know I've said on a number of occasions how tired I am. The fatigue has been such an irritating issue that has taken control over some important areas of my life.

I've also noticed some other disturbing changes that have had a major affect on my grades and my relationships. Out of nowhere came this irritability. And poor Harrison is the brunt of it. He can pick the wrong place to sit in the living room and my feelings are crushed.I'm fully aware of the ignorance in this but I still get so upset. Worse than that, I get angry. My tolerance level is at a -10. Like I said: poor Harrison!

Lastly, a symptom that goes hand in hand with my fatigue: no concentration. Do you get what I've got going on? No energy, no tolerance, and no concentration. A recipe for disaster when it comes to school.

I wrote in my previous post about all of the tests I'm getting done to figure out what my 9 months of treatments damaged. Today, I got my results back! It looks like an overactive thyroid and high cholesterol. I was discouraged when I walked into the pharmacy to pick up yet another medication. My idea of getting better is coming off of the medication, not taking more and more. So it gets to me every time the doctors right another prescription. However, when I got home tonight and opened the bag, the name of this medicine was familiar.

One of my biology teachers used her own personal experiences when she was explaining thyroid stimulating hormone. She described a period she was going through when she also was experiencing strange symptoms. One of them being no energy! It was so funny when she was telling us how she didn't even have the energy or motivation to use a regular bath towel to dry off with because it was too heavy. She made her husband get her a hand towel instead! These strange episodes lead her to also get some tests done and she found a hormone imbalance. "SYNTHROID!" She excitedly shouted when she told us the medication that was the answer to all of these problems.

This woman is hilarious and an absolute joy. Shes a tiny little thing, in great shape and she bounces across the classroom all day long waving her (fake) femur bone around while she blows students minds with her enthusiasm over the complicated subject. So when I saw "synthroid" labeled on the bottle, I thought "SYNTHROID! " I hope this stuff gives me at least half of the energy that woman has. And if it can help me get this weight off? I have no words for that!

So today was not a sad day ;) it was the very opposite! I'm starting to feel a mistle encouraged for the first time this semester!

Today was a sad day.

Today was a sad day. Reality totally set in for me and it certainly was not a good reality. This is the kind of reality that has you hanging on to your denial by a single thread with everything you have. Sounds depressing? Well that's the harsh reality that I'm currently facing.

Every little thing reminds me of the compiling events that always lead back to my cancer. Harrison can say one thing to make me feel like I've upset him and all of a sudden I'm stumbling down that horrid path of reminders that scream at me: "You're a victim of that disease and every symptom that comes along with it." As soon as I feel like I did something wrong I think, "Well, you can't try to pull this off by being cute because you're not cute anymore. Remember, you look so different? Because you have no hair and you're 50 lbs bigger because of those stupid steroids. Remember those steroids? Because chemo damaged your lungs. Remember chemo? Because you had cancer." Every. Single.Time. My thoughts lead right back to that.

I'm so tired. All the I'm tired. This fatigue is causing me to be unsuccessful in my classes. Those bad grades are the best reminder of what I've been through. I've been back and forth between my family PA, sleep specialists and so on to try and find out where this fatigue is coming from. In the back of my head I keep hoping that it's not depression. Again!

I'm putting myself out there right now like I have already on a number of occasions on this blog. I've battled with depression for a long time so I was not ready to hear at my doctors appointment today: "I think it's time for antidepressants. Again!" Heres the thing about it that frustrates me: I don't have an addictive personality and I'm not someone who is susceptible to depression. I've struggled with this because of the things I've been through.

My hormones have gotten out of wack so many times. Not because of a health disorder, but because of all of the mess that I've dealt with. All day long I've felt like that's not fair!

I was so upset today. Thankful for sunglasses and back roads I was able to hide my tears from the world on my drive to Columbia. I was glad I could also indulge in my chocolate in peace and then cry some more every time a song on christian radio reminded me of what my savior did for me. Ok, chocolate probably wasnt the best thing to make me feel better about being fat. But somehow, it always does! Ladies, you know what I'm talking about!

Today was a sad day, but sometimes we need these days to get us excited about some good news: Jesus died for you! Is there anyone else out there like me, who has a list compiling of reasons why they can't wait to get to heaven? Mine just got a little but longer today. No more depression! Oh what a day that will be!

Health Update

I've done a lot of nagging on facebook about current health issues. Sorry, yall! Here's an update so we can be "one and done."

As most of you know I have had serious sleep issues due to the months and months of steroids. (that's where my rapid weight gain came into play also). I had all of the hard core sleep meds and I was lucky if the highest dose would help me sleep a wink. This has lead to a terrible onset of daytime fatigue which I do not need if I want to be successful in school!

I just started back at school on the 12th and the fatigue has gotten worse and worse. On top of that, the side effects from all of the sleep medicine was becoming a bigger problem than the insomnia itself! We had a few scary spells with it and Harrison finally told me, "we can't do all of this medicine anymore. You're 22 years old, this isn't right. Call Sarah in the morning and lets get this settled." Through tears and tears (super bad mood swings from the medication) I agreed to beg my PA for help.

With her help, I was able to find some non habit sleep medication and start my journey toward slowly coming off of the hard core stuff. I have to say I have done exceptionally well as far as the insomnia goes, but the daytime fatigue is still a major problem. I can't still be in recovery mode, can I? It's time be past all of this mess!

I'm so tired of being tired but there are some positive changes occurring. For starters, my hair is coming back nice and soft. I shaved shaved off a full head of beautiful shiny brunette hair. Then half of what was left of it went down the shower drain when the chemo kicked in, then slowly started to grow back scraggly and fine. So not an attractive addition to the moon face I had going on!

I'm finally starting to see bits and pieces of my old self start to come back and it's a huge sigh of relieve! My hair, though short, is coming back in nice and shiny and I'm starting to see remnants of it's pretty flow. So to answer a common question: No, my hair did not grow back different!

The excess 50 pounds of water weight has turned into 50 lbs of something else. I'm really confused about the weight thing. No, I don't look near as large or puffy as I was. I have lost several inches because I look like my old self again, and I no longer waddle like I'm 9 months pregnant. I feel so much better! Before I could hardly get up out of my chair, or walk down our front porch steps but now I'm comfortable doing everyday things again. I don't want to burst into tears anymore every time I drop something on the floor. Bending over was the worst!

So I'm not sure what or where it's hiding, but it has to still be there somewhere because the scale hasn't moved! That really doesn't matter though because I'm looking and feeling like "Taylor" again!

A foundation for understanding

This girl is back in school! Today was the last day of my first week of classes and man am I beat! I still had to go home at least once every day this week to take a nap and rest up between classes which is something I was hoping to avoid this semester but that's ok! My NP who has become so dear to my heart keeps reminding me that I'm headed towards my "new" normal. I might have to make extra efforts here and there to beat any oncoming fatigue. Even though is a "new" normal I still like the idea of normal!

I'm so pumped about the classes I'm taking and the excitement continues to intensify as God reveals to me the things I have to potentially gain from each course.

I have already been down the beaten path of anatomy and physiology classes and somehow managed to come out unscathed. Those classes did wonders for my understanding of other everyday things. My amazement by our almighty God grew tremendously as I learned about each complex organ system. The events that have to take place in order for us to maintain homeostasis are so complex,  it's a wonder our body gets it right every time. Which enforces God's Word when He mentions that Jesus holds all things together. Someone has to be holding it together because there's just no way that! Its a wonder we don't get a "system error" every time our body goes through the complicated process of secreting a couple of digestive enzymes so we can pass our lunch without getting a blockage. and if we do happen to get a blockage, the muscles in our intestines are designed in such a way that they can squeeze any undigested pieces to break them up.  This is the 27 foot long tube by the way that is constantly contacting it's muscles to get our food from one end to the other that amazingly never gets tangled or knotted up. This is just one example of the millions of processes our body goes through. I don't know how that makes you feel,  but I get chills down my spine because God is declared and glorified in his intricate creation. 

You can tell I loved my biology classes. Not only did they aid my faith in our almighty creator, but they helped me understand other things as well. In high school,  chemistry was a subject that I never understood.  I just memorized equations and by some great miracle,  passed the class. I never understood the subject,  because I was never given the big picture. Where in the world are all of these chemical reactions taking place, and why? My biology class made me totally conquer this subject as we learned the levels of organization. These things called atoms make up molecules,  the molecules make up cells which make up tissues.  When you put tissues together, they make up organs.  When organs are put together,  they create organ systems. Finally,  when organ systems are put together,  they make up an organism (human). So when you break us down into our smallest component, you will find that we are totally made up of chemicals.  OKAY!  There's my big picture,  now I can make sense of this!

This semester I'm taking a totally different biology: Bio 101. which is a life science. After our first day of class learning about what this course is all about,  my big picture got a little bit bigger. There are two other subjects that I don't understand at all: history and politics. I'm embarrassed to say that I don't know anything about the civil war and I'm super embarrassed to say that I can't even grasp why we're fighting in war right now! Don't worry,  I've tried really hard in doing research but I just don't get it. Then I had a major breakthrough as I learned the objective of this course I'm taking.  Those organisms that I just talked about?  We took it a step further: when you put them together,  they make up a population.  Populations put together make up a community.  And you work your way all the way up to a biosphere.  I don't know about you,  but thats my big picture right there.  Learning about people together coming together as a population,  creating a community and then the whole world and everything in it that makes up a biosphere. What a perfect foundation for understanding politics! Going all the way back, breaking it up into it's smallest component. 

As for history? Guess where we're starting in Bio 101?  Breaking up history into it's smallest component, going all the way back to evolution. No, I don't believe in evolution as some of you know from my previous post, "doubting? " but it makes sense to go back to the very beginning of time to get a solid foundation for history.

I hope this post hasn't scared anyone away from continuing to read my blog! For those of you who struggle understanding anything: your job, finances, school,  maybe even politics like me... Have you found your big picture? Do you have a solid foundation? Sometimes we have to pause and rewind to grasp understanding and knowledge with more things in life other than biology ;)

God's Hears. Isn't that Miraculous?

It's time. It's time to share my sisters' story with the world. I have wanted to do this for a long time now but every time I sit down to write, the words just don't get down on paper the way I want them to. I try to tell her story from beginning to end but it comes to a standstill each time. So I will be sharing this miracle from my perspective...

I was 11 years old when my dad told me the exciting news that there was another bundle of joy on the way. I was going to be a big sister again for the 3rd time. God had already blessed me with Timmy, from my dads remarriage when I was 8 years of age and then only a short year later my mom announced that Amy was going to enter our lives. Now again, I receive the awesome news that another sibling was on the way! I was given this information via the phone of course because we had been living in South Carolina for 3 years by this time.

It wasn't too much longer that I had another talk with my dad when he shared with me that we were going to have a little girl enter the family and her name will be Mireya Simone Howard. Mireya stands for "miraculous" and Simone means "God hears." They didn't do this with Timmy. They didn't find out the gender until he arrived. And there wasn't a need for meaning behind his name as it was after my father's: Timothy Scott Howard.

Of course these thoughts were none of my concern at the time. I remembered I was in the back yard at our house writing the name of my baby sister on the side walk with different colors of chalk.

Later on that year I got THE call that they were going in for delivery! I remember calling Marcia to talk to her and the strangest thing happened to me: I started to cry. "Taylor, are I ok?" She asked me. "Yeah, I'm fine." Was my immediate response. That was strange... Something just did not feel right. So I sat and I waited ready for the next call.

Finally, the phone rang! She's here! I was all smiles as my dad told me about her tiny little hands and tiny little feet and of course her cute button nose! I just wanted to see her.

After all the talk and excitement about her precious little features, my dad began to explain to me something that was not so tiny: Her head. He started going into all of the complications that went on during the pregnancy that they were cautious to tell me about. Mireya had hydrocephalus.

During Marcia's pregnancy there was a blockage very early on. The fluid entering her brain now had no way to drain back into her stomach causing a massive build up.

During the next 5 months this fluid would continue to backflow in her brain, causing a serious amount of pressure that would crush her brain against her skull. This will lead to zero brain activity, leaving her in a vegetative state.

Of course the most sensible plan of action, according to the doctors, would be to terminate the pregnancy. My parents refused to go through with this and had to calmly explain: "As long as there's a heart beat, we will continue to pray." This infuriated all of them because now they have to waste their time with regular check ups on a soon to be lifeless child who had 0% chance for survival. Sounds harsh? That's how it was layed out to my poor step mom every time she had to deal with a nurse or a doctor. Yes, it was very harsh.

The day before her delivery they had to sit around a table with the doctors and make decisions on how they want to end this babys life. The doctors told them that she will most likely be still born and if she were to cry, it might only be a whimper. My parents had to make a decision on how long they would like the doctors to resuscitate if this were to take place.

The next day when they wheeled Marcia into the delivery room, she noticed there was a rainbow on the door. Hospitals do this when a could has died. But remember: there was still a heart beat and we were still praying.

The Sunday school class my parents attended was there in the waiting room praying for Mireya's arrival. Soon they started singing songs of praise as they stood together and held hands. Then at 10:09 one of the women said, "Stop, I feel like it's time to stop." So they stopped.

Meanwhile in the delivery room, 10:09 hit the clock and Mireya was here. She came out of the womb screaming with no need whatsoever for resuscitation. In that Moment, she declared God.

after the delivery my dad managed to catch the doctor and ask him, "how would you compare this delivery to a 'normal' one?" "Exactly the same." Was his reply.

Of course CT scans and MRIs were performed and her test results confirmed everything the doctors had predicted: Mireya has no brain activity. She is supposed to be in a vegetative state.

It's 11 years later and Mireya can do more things than I can! Her memory is outstanding naming all planets in order, recalling the family vehicle from when she was just a few years of age, and I could go on. And no, there are still no signs of brain waves. She sings, walks, and TALKS. Missy Prissy loves to have everyones undivided attention at all times! That's because God demands it. He needs everyone to see His Miraculous work so that we can rest assured that God Hears.

One Step at a Time

There is this person who has recently stepped into my life. I now feel that it is my God-given duty to be there for her. She is in the midst of a big trial right now and every time we speak, the conversation ends with: "Everything is going to be ok, taking it one day at a time."

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own." Matthew 6:25-34

You go, girl! That's exactly the way God intended us to live: "one day at a time."

Moving on....

In my spare time while I'm doing things around the house, I like to go back on our churches website and listen to the sermons that we missed. I listened to one titled, "Faithful Footsteps" written by our churches' youth pastor. The bible verse dedicated to this sermon was Psalm 119:105

"Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path."

Of course I always thought this meant the obvious: "Jesus is the way!" Right? Wrong! My dad tried to explain that verse to me one time. Notice it's a lamp that is illustrated here. A lamp certainly isn't going to light up your whole path so you can see where you're going. If that was the case, then the palmist would have written, "your word is a flashlight." We have to trust God for where he's going to take us but he gives us just enough light so that we can "watch our step."

I thought that was beautifully pointed out, but now that I'm older and married, I've learned that I can't believe and trust everything my dad says just because the words came out of his mouth-Something I'm guilty of doing a lot. I trusted his opinion 100%. Now I try not to do that. In fact I finally found something that I disagree with him about. Who would have ever thought? So to make my point: I thought what my dad said was great but I didn't trust that it was accurately in context with the bible. and that is OK because that just means that we are fighting to live right by God instead of living for each other. Everything seems to pan out better when you do it that way ;)

After my dad and I had this neat, eye opening, discussion about this verse, I heard Chase's sermon. And I'll be darned if he didn't say the same exact thing! While he was speaking he brought out an old old lamp. He noted that the lamps they had back then wouldn't give off very much light. Only enough so you can see your next step but we don't know where these steps will lead us. That's where faith steps in. We have to trust him for that part!

I love the example he gave with a recap of his life over the past year: He married his beautiful bride, moved from FL to SC, and now they have a little one on the way! He said, if God let him know all of that was straight ashead, he would have been terrified. God only gives you what you can handle.... One day at a time ;)

It's scary for me to even look back at my life last year. Got married, started the nursing program, hodgkins lymphoma, surgeries, no hair, switched my major, chemo, radiation. Could you imagine if God said, "Ok Taylor, this is where were headed, just trust me! Oh and here's a lamp for your feet so watch your step!" Oh no no no no!

Thank you God that you give us what we can handle a day at a time. And thank you for supplying us with what we need to help us get through it :)

Can you look back on your life and see how God was there? Guiding your every step, only giving you bits at a time? Can you imagine what it would have been like if it all was just revealed to you? 

Side note: Sorry, dad that I was hesitant to trust what you said but let it be confirmed my our youth pastor! Haha! He went to school for that stuff though, right?

Church Families

As I write this, I am on the plane headed straight for my dear husband. Oh have I missed him! He and I both have learned from this experience that, if we can help it, never again will we be traveling without one another over a long period of time. (I'm sure you gathered that from my previous post) However, we also learned a lot of other things from my trip to Seattle.

There were certain people I saw that brought back so many memories. This happened the most while I was visiting my former church. Those poor people probably didn't know what to think after greeting me with a "Hi, how are you!?" Because each time, I would burst into tears. Let me take a moment to remind you that I was not much of a cryer before chemo. I have learned that my entire experience with cancer has totally altered my hormones and I don't think my former church family was ready for that! It was a little embarrassing!

If you read my post "Our Testimonies," then you have somewhat of an understanding how much these people mean to me. I learned so much from this church. While I was there I had the opportunity to share my testimony following Pastor Bill's sermon. In doing that, I was able to thank everyone for what they had taught me and let them know that they had a success story on their hands.

First Baptist Church of Arlington's mission is "Christ in you, the hope of glory." I got to tell them that I saw Christ in them and He was glorified. I wanted whatever it was that they had and I received it! In turn, I took that important message and used it to witness to Harrison and he then got saved. God used them to witness to me so that I could go and witness to Harrison. They needed to know this and they needed to hear my gratitude.

I've tried to replace my church and I've learned that is not going to happen! We finally found a new church family at Northside Baptist Church after a lot of "church shopping." We were drawn to their mission: "Doing whatever it takes to share Jesus." I've learned that I can do that by letting people see "Christ in me, the hope of glory." So thankful for the people and the places God has brought me to!

Distance makes the heart grow fonder

"What the Bible Says about Marriage and Sex." This is the name of the book that has taken me 2 months to get half way through. Not because it's not a great book but because it's merely been a sleep aid for me. The amount of medicine I have to take to even make me drowsy is unreal. A good book and sometimes even a nice bubble bath seem to help out!

This is a book that I absolutely would recommend. It hits several points on marriage based on the book, "Song of Songs." The guy does an excellent job giving you a step by step through the book. However, we are not all going to agree on everything!

The title may have caught you off guard, huh? I love one of the points it makes about that particular subject: The world has made sex look to be a shameful act when it's one of God's beautiful creations.

Don't worry, it caught me off guard too and my father in law really didn't know what to think about it! I took it with me everyday to radiation to give myself something to do while I waited. After getting looks of concern from him for several days I finally decided to break the ice... "Want to read this while you wait? It's all about sex!" I asked him. "Oh no!" Was his immediate response!

Moving on past the title... One thing this book mentioned was going periods of time without your spouse. The guy said it was great. He was going with the "distance makes your heart grow fonder" affect... After reading this, I thought my trip to Seattle was now a fabulous idea.

I was just talking with my brother this morning about temptation and what we're supposed to do with it as christians. God says we are supposed to flee! Being a whole country apart from your spouse sets you up for a boat load of temptation. I packed my bags and ran toward it. Resisting the Devil?? No, the exact opposite. I'm sorry, Timmy. I'm a total hypocrite by going on this trip without Harrison in the first place!

God says a number of things about marriage in the bible. One thing He says is, "Man shall leave his mother and father and cling to his wife." Thank you honey, for vowing to me on our wedding day that you would follow through with this. You certainly have! But I also vowed to you that I would be your helpmate. It's not very helpful for you to cling to me while I'm across the country. I owe you an apology as well!

Now I'm not saying that things won't be great once I get home. I'm sure it will be a heartfelt embrace but things will quickly go right back to the way they were. We will fall right back into our everyday routine and it will be like I never left. So what do we do the next time we get into a fuss? Pack our bags and leave for a while? (I'm not saying I'm having marital issues, I'm saying I have come to understand that this would not be the solution to one.) No, God days we're supposed to come together during hard times. I love that Harrison acts that out, taking that verse totally to heart, every time we do get in a little tizzy. My immediate reaction is to leave the room but after a while, he comes in after me and pulls as tight as he can into his embrace. Just like God calls us to do.

So I'm sorry to the author of that book, I disagree with you... I do not think that distance is healthy for a marriage.

Another night to remember

I feel like I just had the best night ever but I look back on my time with these particular friends and then I know, this is just one of many nights to remember.

The second we got out of the car and met up we picked up right where we left off. It didn't matter that we havent seen each other in 3 years, it felt like youth group was just yesterday. I instantly reverted back to a16 year old (in youth group years, thats 5 years of age). We may have some childish tendencies.

When I first moved here 6 years ago I wanted to have them all over to the house to hang out one evening. We had a pile of junk food and a debate channel on mute. We were each assigned parts on which person we were going to voice. We were dying with laughter. I must say, we are a witty bunch of people!

Marcia came downstairs to check on us. "Do you guys want a movie or something?" She asked. "Oh no, this is good!" We told her. Who knew a debate could be so entertaining!

We also used to sumo wrestle in slow motion, spin someone around 10 times, shine a flash light in there face to watch how many times they would fall down, and then we put two peoples heads, each in a different leg of a pair of pantie hose, and make them run in opposite directions. All the while yelling at each other in our own dialog: the lisp! Friends, what would we have done if someone who actually did have a lisp come to youth group?? Hmmm... SHUN!!

My friends, these WERE the times of my life. These are my most precious memories. I know God put you together at the perfect time for when I came into town. I needed you in order to gain a relationship with God. Not to try and take all the attention but because of that, this point in my life was my turning point. God made you for me during a particular time in my life where it was almost over. Thank you for being reflectors of Jesus and making it look so appetizing and invited with your sillyness! It was then that I got to know our Lord and savior and began soaring.

I didn't soar for very long though. I inherited some new friends and headed down a horrible path. I didn't know if my old friends would want a thing to do with me after my disgusting lifestyle I chose to live after a while.

Thank you for your forgiveness. Thank you for not making me feel like I need to continually apologize for my poor actions. Thank you for letting me be the same old Taylor with you!

And thank you, God for friends like them :)

Update

I have not done a very good job updating lately! As most of you know, my last PET scan showed a clean bill of health. The cancer is completely gone!

I received a phone call from Kim and her words exactly were, "your PET was completely normal!" Normal?? The first time in two years... Normal?! My heart felt like it was about to burst out of my chest.

I fought for a long time to find out what was wrong with me. I didn't understand why at 21 I felt like I was 40. I had every ailment known to man that comes with old age: massive back pain, reflux that was out of control, fatigue, and the list goes on... I just knew something wasnt right and it ended up taking a toll on my relationships, and especially my marriage.

It doesn't look too good when you've been in bed all day and there are still dirty dishes in the sink because your back wouldn't last long enough for you to get them into the dish washer. I became the ultimate couch potato leaving Harrison with everything to do around the house. He never could understand but I KNEW something was not right. And now: normal...

Just because everything was clear didn't mean we were finished though. I had 15 rounds of radiation treatment to follow up for precautionary purposes. I didn't want to hear that after chemo. I was so ready to rest and begin my healing process but then it was time to fight again. My dad asked me, "Oh you can get back to it! We might need another cancer party, do you have just one more cancer party in you? Just to get you going again?" "I'm just so tired." Was my response.

As soon as I got off the phone with Him, Harrison saw the tears welting up. He grabbed me, kissed my forehead, and layed my head in his chest so I could just sob. "What's wrong?" He asked. "I'm tired. I just want to be done. I don't want to do this anymore." I cried. "Oh, baby you have to keep going. You can do this."

For the next 3 weeks, my support system was unreal. We broke out the calendar and everyone was eager to sign up for what days they wanted to take me. my father in law signed up for a lot of them and I thoroughly enjoyed our talks back and forth hearing old stories and getting to know sides of him I didn't know existed. He's a tough guy.. God has molded him over the years and he had some incredible stories to share. Thank you, Bing! I enjoyed our time together :)

My mom signed up for an entire week and I loved spending so much time with both she and my sister. We loved being in Columbia everyday because we had a plethera of food options. (Go figure!) Everyday we would take off to the doctor and then go for the cravings! Yes, I think we may have gained another 5 pounds that week but we had such a good time!

My last week of treatment was special because Harrison got to take me everyday. I was giddy to "show him the ropes," and let him see what I did everyday. As always sweetheart, I loved my time with you!

I am truly blessed and loved by so many. It's overwhelming to reminisce on all of my friends and family who were there in a heart beat to do anything they could to help out.

I was perfectly capable of driving myself but the support I had in knowing that NO ONE wanted me going by myself, not EVER (not even to a doctors appointment!) did so much for me emotionally. Thank you Harrison, Bing, Ashea, Aunt Melinda, Rebecca, Ashby, and mom. Having someone with me everyday helped me keep going. Thank you for doing the little things. Although small, they are paramount!

Yes, I am ALL DONE! When Kim told me not to come back and see her for 6 weeks, I really didn't know what I was going to do with myself. My next appointment is couple weeks away. I'll get my port flushed and I'm not sure if we'll be scheduling the next PET or not. One thing we will do though: gossip! I love my time with my nurse practitioner as well ;)

The medication is still a work in progress. The reflux is getting under control but I still have a very hard time getting to sleep and with the weight gain came restless legs... GREAT!

No I haven't had any great epiphanies which is why I haven't posted but I figured it was time to let everyone know what has been going on!

Doubting?

A dear friend of mine came to me the other day with some unsettling news: she had just found out that a very close family member was a nonbeliever. "He just doesn't understand why God would allow all the disaster and sickness to go on in the world." She explained.

This is a common excuse for most nonbelievers and a legitimate debate might I add. That is, if you haven't done a little research! I am so thankful that our heavenly father covers these issues in His word and through His creation.

Romans 1:18 "The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godliness and wickedness of men who suppress the truth by their wickedness."

The wrath of God is being revealed. This is present tense meaning that it is happening now. The world is suffering the consequences of their wickedness through these natural disasters and illnesses.

Romans 1:19-20 "Since what may be known about God is plain to them because God has made it plain to them, For since the creation of the world gods invisible qualities- His eternal power and divine nature- have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse.

I have read books and taken a number of biology classes and please let me assure you that there is no way that the Universe, Earth, or ESPECIALLY the human body came together by random chance taking billions of years. After studying all of these things, the thought of it is absurd.

Scientists like Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton, and even Darwin came to the conclusion that there is no way for there to be creation without a creator or a design without a designer. By that alone, God has proven His existence and like His words states: we are without excuse!

I wish I could put all of my favorite quotes and examples of body systems and analogies in here but it would be pages long and this is already getting to be a little lengthy for a simple blog post! Instead I highly recommend the book, "How to know God Exists" by Ray Comfort and PLEASE youtube Pastor Louie Giglio's sermon, "How Great is our God." You will be amazed!

Romans 1:21-22 " For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but they're thinking became futile and they're foolish hearts were darkened." 
For those who "play church," only go on Easter and Christmas, or go simply because it's what you were brought up to do- these verses are for you. God has covered those issues as well and His word says that your thinking will become futile and your hearts will be darkened. That's why your automatic response toward God is hatred when the disasters of the world take place.

Oh but if we would look for a second into the "why?" We ask it all the time anyways and the bible answers it for us!!

First, we just established the first point that people are suffering consequences. We serve a just and a FAIR God. Don't think for a second that no sin is going to go unpunished.

Look at the world we live in! We want to take prayer out of school and "one nation under God" out of the pledge.We don't want God to bless America, we want to take Him out of it. Well guess what? God knew that was going to happen and He already has a response:

Romans 1:24 "Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts."

America has made it clear that we don't want God apart of us and He has done as you wish. He has left and look at what we have done. 9/11, natural disasters, the killings, the rapists.... We wanted God out and look at how well we are doing without Him.

So if you ask, "why would God allow such a horrible thing?" We asked for it. And it is proven right there in His word.

Another thing many ask is "why do bad things happen to good people?" God has that covered too! All throughout His word, He explains the reasons why His followers suffer through trials.

James 1:2 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds."

What you are reading is written by a former cancer patient. I, myself, have been disease stricken. Not to put myself on a pedestal, but I do believe I am what the world would consider a "good person." (I say that it's what the world would view me as because I view myself as a sinner.) However, I was not "cursed" with lymphoma because God has left my side. I was blessed with lymphoma because God was able to use my disease for so much good! My husband and I have been flooded with blessings due to my disease and so have so many other people. I find myself in awe of our God everyday because I have watched Him use such a terrible thing for good.

This is the best way I can explain it. Before assuming, I ask that you would take a further look. What is God doing? Is He teaching us a lesson by giving us what we asked for? Or is He proving how miraculous He is by taking a terrible situation and using it for eternal good? And if for a second you doubt His existence, look outside, or listen to the beat of your heart and take note of His intricate design.

Take what you're good at and become excellent at it

I recently did the "Dave Ramsey" series and learned so much more than just the 7 baby steps to financial peace. Going through this learning process was my start of realizing how well Harrison and I work together as a team. God gave each of us different talents and characteristics in two aspects: gender and personal self.

God built man and woman differently. He designed them to have different responsibilities. God's intention for man is to be the protector and the provider. Woman, He intended for nurture and support. What a great team man and woman can come together and be! With the womans love and support, the man can have help and confidence to do his duty to protect and provide. God knows what He's doing ;)

The first time I noticed how good of a team we are is when we came together to put order in our finances. Harrisons characteristics as "harrison" (aside from his characteristics as a man) are to be organized and complete. In this way, he does a fabulous job with the monthly bills. Keeping track of everything on excel and knocking them out one at a time until he has completed our payments on everything. He is excellent at that.

My characteristics (as a person, aside from female), I am a thinker, planner, and a goal setter. I constantly think and plan the best way for us to put %100 down on a house one day, no student loans for our children, and retirement.

Harrison and I make the best team when it comes to just our finances alone. In order to gain success in your marriage or anything: career, school,etc, learn who you are. Learn every aspect of yourself. Who are you as a male or a female? Are you a supporter? And a nurturer? Then practice those things. Become great at them. They are instilled in you already so you have the potential to attain excellence in them.

Who are you as a person?.organizer? Planner? Creative? Morning person? Night owl? Auditory? Visual? Find yourself and grow in your strengths. Take what you're good at and become excellent at it.

I missed a few steps...

Treament # 12 has come and gone today.... Hello last treamtnent! No more chemo!  

Oh I was a blubbery mess this morning. Crying over every little thing due to the excitment of, "It's almost over." Nanci and Harrison were to only say few things to me about it otherwise i was forced to put my hand tissues to use! They did well for the most part. I had just a few momemnts when I had to hide and compose myself. I was very emotional!  

We went to our "big time celebratory occasions" place to eat: California Dreamimg. Harrison and I always get so excited for chicken finger platter, 2 side house salads, onion loaf, and croissant. I'll tell you those chicken tenders, as always, were out of this world! Friench fries, are aways a big negative on the day of treatment. The croissant sucked too due to my change in taste. Thanks chemo! But the salad, minus it's tomatoes and eggs (Which made Harrisons meal more enjoyable) hit the spot! Salads have been my craving this week ;)  

After lunch we were on our marry way and I cried a little more of course!   Once we got home, I was ready have my husband and just snuggle in his chest and fall asleep into ablivion. (Best naps ever). I had to wake him up though because I had started to cry again! Whew! This is starting to get old now, thanks. 

Ucle Shorty and Aunt Melinda came by shortly after that and asked on their way in, "How are you felling?" "Good!" I responded. "Actually no, not good at all. This one was bad." My treatments have never bothered me so bad to the point of tears. After my 100th trip to the bathroom, I came back and could barely hold myself together. Harrison was fixing to get up and blug my IV back in and I told him, "No stay right there, I feel like I'm going to throw up. Can I just sit in your lap." I sat there and just cried in his chest. Not because I was excited that this was my last treatment but because I just fealt so bad.

Ever since treamtent #9 I have they have gotten worse and worse, scaring me before each treatment thereafter. I'm so glad this was the last one! I couldn't handle another one. God gives us just enough for us to handle. And 12 was my max!  

We followed Aunt Melinda and Uncle Shorty home to take them up on their offer for supper: more salad! Shortly after we finished eating, I started feeling bad again and had to run back home. Harrison drew a bath for me in hopes of easing my stomach to which another emotional break down took place! Starting to get wierd! I didn't even know what I was crying about at this point. I couldn't pin point a trigger. It was just happening every half hour.  

After I got out of the tub and crawled in the bed with Harrison, it happened again! Twice!!

"What's wrong?" He asked.
"I don't know! I promise I'm not making this up, I just cant' stop!"
"I wish I knew what I could do."
"Just be here for the next one. I promise I'm not making this up. I know this has got to be so annoying for you. You can go into the other room"  
He didn't. And he stayed :) "For better or for worse"  

By the next mental breakdown I knew something wasn't right. I new this was not because I'm still overjoyed that I got to ring the "free of chemo bell." You don't cry this much because you're last treamtent is over. So I got in touch with someone on my oncology team and asked, "What is wrong with me! Has the chemo screwed up my hormones? What is happening?"   Her response:"You hit the ground running with this diagnosis and never looked back."

She's so 100% right. After 2 years of syptoms I didn't care what it was that I had. What do I have to do to get better? Was my immediate response. When it should have been, "Holy cow, I can cancer!?" Just like when you're sick with a cold and the doctor gives you an antibiotic to get better. I compoared this to that. An antibiotic to a cold was no different than how chemotherapy is to cancer, for me at this point.

You need to bioposy? GO for it! Let the surgeries begin!
Oh, it's Hodgkins Lymphoma? How do we get rid of it?
Chemo? Let shave my head. We'll have a party!
Vomit, fatique? Yeah, we'll quit nursing school  

We haven't had a chance to stop and soak in what all was happening. We were just (very quickly) Making life changing decisions. Now that these traumatizing episodes are over, they are coming to the surface and bubbling out! I CANNOT STOP CRYING  

I missed a few steps: The grieving steps. Now that the worst is over, I'm going to hit the grieving process whether I want to or not, I guess!
 
I'm hoping I can get the heck out of St. Matthews this weekend and just get it all off of my chest. So thankful for good friends and a wonderful husband and family who are all here for me... Even though I'm crying at tshe top of a hat! That's no fun for anyone!

I loved you before I met you

Today has been a great day! I had my follow up appointment after treatment #11 and was told I can officially say "so long" to the steroids! I am beyond thrilled about this. I have hit a record breaking 50 lbs gained from taking those stupid things. Thank goodness I'm done with them because I litterally CANNOT gain another ounce or the buttons on my pants are going to fly off!

Harrison and I went to Sears after my appointment and let me tell you, the elastic waist band around those maternity pants have never looked so tempting! Yes, it is time to start working this weight off... especially after that moment of despair! Ok, we may have horked down a whopping pizza at mellow mushroom after the Sears episode but come on, treament #11 was rough!

Even better than the good news on the steroids, Harrison and I got to meet our niece, Paisley, for the first time today. What a precious little baby we have just welcomed into the world! I have fallen in love with Harrisons nieces and nephews and now claim them as my own. However, this is MY first niece that I have known from birth and it's a whole new experience of love. I guess it's because I loved her before I met her and I have been praying for her since the day I knew she was just a peanut in her mothers womb.

I remember a friend of ours told us one time after meeting his baby neice for the first time. "You know, it's unreal how you can love someone so much who has never done anything for you. All she has done is be born."

Funny to think about how Jesus loves us. It's the same way. Before we are born again in Christ, we have never done ANYTHING for Him. Even worse than that, we were SINNING against Him. And in the same aspect, somehow, He still loved us.... Incredible. 

Psalm 37:4

Prayer. Oh, how important it is to pray for others. Not just to pray for our loved ones and our friends, but we need to pray for our enemies as well. The second greatest commandment is to love your neighbors and yourself. We are called to love our enemies.

Let me tell you something about prayer. God will always answer you in 3 different ways: Yes, No, and Not right now. In the midst of you continually asking and Him continually answering you, He is also continually changing and working in you. So never stop praying for something or someone. If you are praying for someone and you see no changes in them, just know that God is working on and making a change in you.

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." I remember a long time ago my step mom and I had a conversation about this verse. I believe that by delighting yourself in the Lord, that means you come to Him everyday with everything. Pray to Him about everything. Delight yourself in Him. When you do that He will give you the desires of your heart. In the sense that He is going to change your desires and give you new desires. Desires that line up with His plan. Isn't that great! If we delight ourselves in God, then we will desire all of the things that He has planned for us. Where you live, your job, your car, your marriage... Delight yourself in the Lord with all of these things.

Now think about it if we don't delight ourselves in Him. We will be agitated and unhappy in our lifes situation. It is so evident that we need God. If we consider Him in every decision, we will desire His outcome for us.

One Flesh

"And the two shall become one flesh."

I don't know where you are in your life or what situation you're in but I am married. Next to God, Harrison is the most important thing to me. Priority #1: God. Priority #2: Harrison. I have to fight to keep him second in my life. I have to fight to make sure that nothing interferes with this.

I have learned something recently: The grass is always going to be greener on the other side. Thanks to Adam and his lovely wife, Eve, it's our human nature to be tempted by sin. So if we already know this about ourselves, why do we even try to take a look on the other side?

I refuse to watch Nicholas Sparks movies, and I refuse to maintain contact with any "past flings." These things like romance movies and ex boyfriends will give me butterflies, and make me want what I don't have. I have no problem admitting this because I know that I am a sinner and I know that the grass is going to always look greener on the other side and I know that I am going to be tempted by things.... Things other than my husband. So knowing this about myself, I need to use it to protect my sinful nature from becoming tempted.

Marriage is not an easy thing. I knew that going into it and not even a year in, I can already vouch for that! I made a commitment though and I need to do everything I can to protect my marriage.

So we know that we are always going to want what someone else has and we know that marriage is hard... Lets use these facts to the best of our knowledge. God says the heart can be deceiving and he says to guard your heart. I love it when real life proves God's word to be true :) because I can vouch to those things too! And I know several people who can do the same.

Whatever your #2 priority is, do whatever you can to protect it. Don't put yourself in situations that make you want what you don't have. 

Another thing... I've worked hard to make sure every other relationship I have does not interfere with my marriage. "Man shall leave his mother and father and cling to his wife." That means that not even our parents can come before our relationship. Our friendships, siblings, finances, nothing.

Its been a learning experience maintaining my marriage as my second priority. My whole family: mom, dad, step mom, in laws, aunts, grandparents, etc.. Wanted to completely take over and fix everything when I was diagnosed with hodgkins. It's hard, but that's not their place anymore. It was hard for me to try and respectfully say, "Thank you but no thank you." It is now Harrisons job to take care of me. Its been hard for my family to take on their new positions as my supporters and let someone else step in, take control, and keep me safe... But they have been the best. Thank you :)

Making these sacrifices: not letting my own mother take care of me when I got sick, not watching romance movies, and breaking off every past relationship that was more than just friends.... Those are not easy sacrifices. I have to be obedient to God and put Harrison before all of those things though. I have to trust that those are the best decisions because God says so.. And He has pulled through like always :)

Even though it's hard, I am so happy and at peace in my marriage. I LOVE my husband and fall in love with him more and more each day. In the midst of all of our struggles that seems impossible but nothing is impossible for our God and that is why I have decided to make hard sacrifices in an effort to put my marriage in God's hands. Again, I love it when God's word proves itself to be true!