Today was a sad day.

Today was a sad day. Reality totally set in for me and it certainly was not a good reality. This is the kind of reality that has you hanging on to your denial by a single thread with everything you have. Sounds depressing? Well that's the harsh reality that I'm currently facing.

Every little thing reminds me of the compiling events that always lead back to my cancer. Harrison can say one thing to make me feel like I've upset him and all of a sudden I'm stumbling down that horrid path of reminders that scream at me: "You're a victim of that disease and every symptom that comes along with it." As soon as I feel like I did something wrong I think, "Well, you can't try to pull this off by being cute because you're not cute anymore. Remember, you look so different? Because you have no hair and you're 50 lbs bigger because of those stupid steroids. Remember those steroids? Because chemo damaged your lungs. Remember chemo? Because you had cancer." Every. Single.Time. My thoughts lead right back to that.

I'm so tired. All the I'm tired. This fatigue is causing me to be unsuccessful in my classes. Those bad grades are the best reminder of what I've been through. I've been back and forth between my family PA, sleep specialists and so on to try and find out where this fatigue is coming from. In the back of my head I keep hoping that it's not depression. Again!

I'm putting myself out there right now like I have already on a number of occasions on this blog. I've battled with depression for a long time so I was not ready to hear at my doctors appointment today: "I think it's time for antidepressants. Again!" Heres the thing about it that frustrates me: I don't have an addictive personality and I'm not someone who is susceptible to depression. I've struggled with this because of the things I've been through.

My hormones have gotten out of wack so many times. Not because of a health disorder, but because of all of the mess that I've dealt with. All day long I've felt like that's not fair!

I was so upset today. Thankful for sunglasses and back roads I was able to hide my tears from the world on my drive to Columbia. I was glad I could also indulge in my chocolate in peace and then cry some more every time a song on christian radio reminded me of what my savior did for me. Ok, chocolate probably wasnt the best thing to make me feel better about being fat. But somehow, it always does! Ladies, you know what I'm talking about!

Today was a sad day, but sometimes we need these days to get us excited about some good news: Jesus died for you! Is there anyone else out there like me, who has a list compiling of reasons why they can't wait to get to heaven? Mine just got a little but longer today. No more depression! Oh what a day that will be!