"I'm done being humble! I don't want to be like this anymore! Why do I have to continue this?" These are the words I shouted out at God on my drive home from the hair salon.
My hair has just very recently been at a length that allows me to do things I used to take for granted. I could tuck it behind my ears and use bobby pins! My favorite thing is when it got in Harrison's face when we snuggled. I loved it when he had to run his fingers through my hair to get it out of his way. " What an awesome problem to have! " I joked.
Now I was ready for a "big girl haircut." "There's finally enough to get it styled!" I was grinning from ear to ear the entire drive to the salon.
Last weekend I went to the mall to get some makeup and met the sweetest girl in the process. She made me feel confident and pretty. I never realized how important it is to feel good about yourself. It gives you motivation to fight through the treatments, and a drive for me to share my story with others. Because it really isn't my story, it's God's and it's my job to share Him with the world. Now that I think about it, He's made that very easy for me to do!
I decided to park all the way on the opposite side of the mall so I could walk through the makeup department. I forgot to give her my blog site! Luckily I found her, handed her a few cards and started for the salon. "I'll have a chance to give out more of my cards when I get my haircut!" I was having a great day.
When I got there I showed the girl a picture of what I wanted. "Do i have enough hair to do this?" I asked, worrying what her answer might be. "Definitely! This is going to look so cool!" She told me, and we proceeded to the sink so she could wash it! It's been a year since I've had to have my hair washed before the cut. Mandy always squirts a little water on it and it's drenched. Not this time! I'm feeling like a new woman this time.
I sat down and she began snipping. I started to feel like she was getting a little carried away. "Calm down Taylor, she knows what she's doing." I thought to myself. When she turned my chair around for the big reveal, what in the mirror looked nothing like the picture I showed her. It was everything I could do to hold back tears. "No no no, there's nothing to tuck behind my ears! My bangs. My bangs are gone! It took almost a year for me to get those back and now they're gone!" I thought, trying not let it show on my face.
I had to pay and get out quick. "Thank goodness I decided to wear a hat today." I thought as I put it on the second I was out of sight from the salon. I rushed across the mall trying not let my emotions spill over. I avoided the makeup place. "I have to avoid that girl. If anyone takes notice of this haircut I'm guaranteed to explode with tears."
I barely made it to my car all in one piece. I fell apart the second I shut the door. I understand that this sounds dramatic but this is not just a typical bad haircut for me. No, for me this is ten steps back in the cancer recovery process. I have to start all over again growing my hair out.
God never let's things happen without reason, even little things like a bad haircut. "Why! Why do I have to look like a cancer patient for a few more months? I was there! I was finally there! I looked like my old self again. Why did you take that from me!" I shouted at God. Then Christian radio came in and saved the day again.
"When I fix my eyes on all that You are Then every doubt I feel Deep in my heart Grows strangely dim"
I don't know God's reason for keeping me in this state, but the only way I'm going to get through it is to fix my eyes on Him. Talk to Him, read about Him in His word, and worship and praise Him. I know that nothing else matters when I bury myself in His love. So I got my phone out, pulled that song up on youtube and listened to repeatedly all the way home. "All my worries fade And fall to the ground Cause when I seek Your face And don't look around Any place I'm in Grows strangely dim."
Ashby's step mom was in town that night and we were meeting them for supper. I forewarned her with a text before we got there, "don't say anything about my hair. If you draw attention, I will cry." My best friend's response: "Love you no matter what. I don't look at you for your hair." I needed to hear that and I needed the time we had that night. It was so good to see Allie and share memories across the table of stories from with Ashby and I were little.
When we got to Ashby's house, I pulled her aside and took off my hat revealing my haircut. "God needs you to look like this for a little while longer. He's not done with you yet." She told me. I'm so thankful for her. If the girl who cut my hair ever gets ahold of this blog, I hope she knows that God used her too. I'm surprised at the amount of people that ask me about my short hair. It opens up the door to share what God did in my life. Our church motto is, "Doing whatever it takes to share Jesus." Even if I have to go a few more months with hardly any hair, if it's an opportunity to share Jesus, I'm in!
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