A little better; a little stronger

These past couple weeks have been trying. Always, I am thrilled about the miracle that is growing in my tummy but there are other circumstances that continue to haunt me. I forget sometimes that I'm recovering from cancer survival and growing tiny bones and organs. I get winded easily and sleep a lot!

It seems like every time I do something (laundry, dishes, etc.) I'm ready to take a break. My tired body from very little physical activity needs a sandwich and an episode of 19 Kids and Counting before the next activity. I'll be looking like a dough boy again before too long!

Yesterday was my first day back to the Y after a full month of being out on doctors orders. (Why is it that everything wrong with me medically causes me to become fat and lazy? Come on, God!) The fact that I made it somewhere by 9am was a miracle in itself but that productivity didn't last too long. My hour long Deep Water class had me practically falling asleep at the wheel on my way home.

I skipped the shower and let my chlorine soaked head hit the pillow to rest for just a little while. I couldn't be down for too long or I'd miss my lunch plans with Patsy (My precious grandmother and favorite woman in all of Orangeburg!) Once my eyes cracked open after a much longer than intended nap, I saw a missed call, voice mail, and text on my phone from her. A text message?! My sister wasn't over there that day which meant she took the time to figure out how to compose and send one to me. I was late, and she was definitely worried! I called her back and eased her poor mind and reschedule, got up to wash the chlorine out of my hair and then... "Man, I'm tired!" So back to bed I went. I turned on the audio bible on my phone and worried myself right to sleep.

I have mentioned before my experiences with depression. In high school my doctor didn't pay enough attention and mistaked my depression for ADD. Years later after a move to and from Seattle on top of nursing school and cancer, it was time for antidepressants again. Thankfully I'm off of them now with baby Jones making him/herself at home in my womb. I'm not someone who is susceptible to a hormonal imbalance, I've just been through a lot. It's something I live with now but try to maintain a healthy lifestyle to avoid it ever happening again. I began to fear that I may be slipping back into a depression.

After I finally woke up at 6pm I cleaned the kitchen, cooked supper, and spent the evening with my favorite guy. My insomnia began to do its thing and I got the floors swept and mopped too! "Ok maybe I'm not so bad after all." I thought to myself.

Sure enough, I was out of the bed before noon today (I know that sounds ridiculous but work with me here...) I was steady doing things all day and not once did I get tired out. I made it through the whole day on only one episode of 19 Kids and Counting! And it was on my lunch break, not my snack break ;)

My list of accomplishments are set on a much smaller scale of excellence than the average person. But they are celebrated just the same! It's days like today that I'm able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's far off but I'm know I'm getting better; stronger. This idea and this plan for recovery is actually happening and that feels so good! Tomorrow morning I return for Deep Water so that calls for another day of full on rest I'm sure. But each time, I know I'm going to get a little better; a little stronger :)

Rationing Spoons

I recently came across a Facebook page titled, "An Invisible Illness Awareness Project." To satisfy my curiosity, I read the "about" and scrolled through the posts. There were pictures of women (and they were beautiful!) who currently live with an "invisible illness" -an illness that has no physical side effects. It was definitely interesting but I didn't feel like I could relate to these women. I underwent treatment for a disease that had a number of physical symptoms and I only fought that battle for 9 months. Unlike theirs, mine had a cure. As the days went on, and more posts from this page filled my news feed, I realized that I was kidding myself. I have a lot more in common with these women than I thought!

Have you ever had an idea or a thought that makes perfect sense from your point of view, but have trouble explaining it to others? Then all of a sudden someone comes along and perfectly sums it up in just a sentence! I guess if you're a "professional thinker" like my dad and I, this would happen more often for you! I have filled up entire blog posts trying to explain a concept and then I hear a sermon or someone on the radio and it is perfectly restated using just a few words! I tried explaining my fatigue in another post from last year: "I find myself getting into the most annoying cycle: I get up and start doing things around the house and quickly get tired. So I lie down to take a nap and then I can't fall asleep! So I get back up to do stuff around the house, and the cycle continues. Annoying!" A few days ago a picture from the invisible illness page popped up as I was scrolling through.The quote in the picture read, "It's a kind of TIRED that sleep can't fix." I read that and it was like someone had just made sense of my entire world. That is me every single day since my treatments. That is fatigue!



I learned very quickly that I just might have a pretty good understanding of what these women go through everyday. I may not have an illness, but I am recovering from one and though my symptoms may not be visible, they are debilitating!

I wanted more. I had a glimpse of hope that someone else might actually understand me! I scrolled through the posts starving for something else to help me cope. I saw something about spoons. Yes it sounds weird, I thought the same thing! It was an article titled, "The Spoon Theory" written by someone who lives everyday with an invisible illness: lupus. I would encourage you to read this to fully understand what I'm about to write.

I was filled with sadness, understanding, and excitement all at the same time as I read how this women explained what day to day life is like for her to her friend. It was beautifully illustrated. Her disease allows her only so much energy and motivation to get through daily activities. She used spoons as a visual aid for her friend. Each daily task or chore costs a little bit of that energy and motivation, or in Christine's case, a spoon! "Most people start the day with unlimited amount of possibilities, and energy to do whatever they desire, especially young people. For the most part, they do not need to worry about the effects of their actions. So for my explanation, I used spoons to convey this point." Miserandino explained. "I asked her to count her spoons. She asked why, and I explained that when you are healthy you expect to have a never-ending supply of “spoons”. But when you have to now plan your day, you need to know exactly how many “spoons” you are starting with. It doesn’t guarantee that you might not lose some along the way, but at least it helps to know where you are starting."

I don't know how many times I've had to send out disappointing texts out to friends, "I'm sorry I can't make it this morning. My insomnia was really bad last night!" After asking her friend to walk through a normal day, Christine Miserandino explained how she quickly took away a spoon before her friend could even get dressed for the day.
 
"When she jumped right into getting ready for work as her first task of the morning, I cut her off and took away a spoon. I practically jumped down her throat. I said ” No! You don’t just get up. You have to crack open your eyes, and then realize you are late. You didn’t sleep well the night before. You have to crawl out of bed, and then you have to make your self something to eat before you can do anything else, because if you don’t, you can’t take your medicine, and if you don’t take your medicine you might as well give up all your spoons for today and tomorrow too.” -I read this and immediately thought, "This girl gets me!" 

Christine Miserandino

I've dealt with frustrations of knowing that others see "lazy" written right across my forehead as I tell others what I'm up to these days. I'm not lazy, I just have to ration my spoons! Harrison and I have readjusted our entire lives so that I can use what little "spoons" I have to their full potential. As I read this woman's story, I no longer felt frustrated. I felt like I have been so ungrateful and realized that I am so blessed! She and I may start out with the same amount of spoons for the day, but I was heartbroken to hear how detailed she has to be as she rations hers out. Not to mention, as the years go by I am going to get better. I won't be a recovering cancer patient forever. I am going to be a mom though ;) So hey, let the spoon counting continue!

The quotes used in this post and the "Spoon Theory" itself are all from Christine Miserandino. I take no credit! I am, however, thankful for her life and her willingness to share :)

"The difference in being sick and being healthy is having to make choices or to consciously think about things when the rest of the world doesn’t have to. The healthy have the luxury of a life without choices, a gift most people take for granted." - See more at: http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/#sthash.B2TP4EWc.dpuf

I explained that the difference in being sick and being healthy is having to make choices or to consciously think about things when the rest of the world doesn’t have to. The healthy have the luxury of a life without choices, a gift most people take for granted. - See more at: http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/#sthash.B2TP4EWc.dpuf

Most people start the day with unlimited amount of possibilities, and energy to do whatever they desire, especially young people. For the most part, they do not need to worry about the effects of their actions. So for my explanation, I used spoons to convey this point. - See more at: http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/#sthash.B2TP4EWc.dpuf

Most people start the day with unlimited amount of possibilities, and energy to do whatever they desire, especially young people. For the most part, they do not need to worry about the effects of their actions. So for my explanation, I used spoons to convey this point. - See more at: http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/#sthash.B2TP4EWc.dpuf

Most people start the day with unlimited amount of possibilities, and energy to do whatever they desire, especially young people. For the most part, they do not need to worry about the effects of their actions. So for my explanation, I used spoons to convey this point. - See more at: http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/#sthash.B2TP4EWc.dpuf

Indescribable Joy

"Any chance you're pregnant?" The nurse asked me as I was being prepped for my first x ray since the diagnosis. Any chance? Well, we were newly weds. Isn't there always a chance?  This was a fully loaded question and after two straight days of procedures, I was in no position to answer a fully loaded question. Having just learned that I had cancer for two years without knowing it, I didn't want to take any chances by making assumptions anymore. "I mean, I guess there's a chance?" I responded. By her reaction, I learned very quickly that this was not a fully loaded question. This was a routine question and I had just completely messed up the routine.

Now obviously I was not pregnant at that time being that I was able to start treatments without any complications. We were advised though, to see a fertility doctor before I started them. "We can't waste any time. If you decide you want to freeze some of your eggs, you need to do so now." We were told.

Now, we didn't go into any scientific research to find out if being able to do a procedure like this was a blessing or something that was disrespectful to God's creation. Right off the bat, Harrison knew that it was disrespectful to God's power. "If God wants us to have children, we don't need to freeze eggs in order for Him to make that happen. That is an unnecessary expense." His mind was set and as difficult as it was for me to relinquish my control on something I wanted so badly, I backed him up. My cancer, and everything that came with it was put into God's hands.

From that statement, I will add that our God is a redeemer. He can take all of that bad, scary stuff, and make something good out of it! Your doctor's can't do that; your pastor can't do that; and as much as a control freak that you may be, you can't do that either! Romans 8:28 "We know that all things work together  for the good  of those who love God: those who are called according to His purpose."

God is faithful to His word and He will do what He says He's going to do. Now here is the fun part. Allow me to share with you the very moment that God pulled through for us!

"Mrs. Jones, there's a chance that you're pregnant!?" It was July 18th 2014 and I was taking off my jewelry for my routine CT scan when the nurse came running in frantically. "We don't know if I'm able to have children yet, but we have been trying. They were supposed to do blood test with my blood work from this morning." I responded. "Oh my gosh, we've never had anyone check that box before!" They took me out immediately and sat me in a dressing room to wait on the results.

There I was, half dressed in a robe with an IV dangling from my arm at the cancer center. And those poor ladies had no idea what they were doing! Not only was this a cancer center, it was the imaging department! "I'm so sorry to be complicated, they have all come back negative for months and I'm sure this one will be no different."I explained. I could tell they were becoming aggravated having to wait on my blood results.

45 minutes later a women came in with a piece of paper. I was ready to grab my things so we could finally get on with my scan. "Mrs. Jones? Hmm. It looks like your not getting that scan today!" She showed me the positive test and the only thing I could do was cry. There's a baby in there!? I'm a mommy!! All of the other workers were stunned. "I have goosebumps!" One of the women said to me while the nurse taking me back was clapping her hands shouting "yay yay yay!" And I was just a blubbery mess! What a situation that was! All of a sudden I heard a familiar voice. "Where is she? Is she freaking out?" Kim! I was so caught up in the moment, I forgot that I actually had some support here. She came right in and hugged me. It felt so good realizing that I was not alone! Kim DeWitt is my nurse practitioner and has been a God send for Harrison and I. She has become a great friend to us and I was so thankful that I had her that day!

Nanci, my nurse who tortured me for 6 months by shooting me up with chemo ;) has become very special to us as well. Even though I was put into a "chemo coma" (as I called it) for days following each treatment, I still looked forward to every other Thursday. A nurse who can make you feel that comfortable and cared for is a special one indeed! So I was very happy that she was there for me in that moment as well.

I've made numerous mistakes in my life, and I am far from perfect still. With that being said, I am however, very proud of our faith and trust in God. Harrison and I gave God our marriage, my cancer, and now my school as we have followed Him blindly by allowing Him to close the door on it. He has now revealed to us everything He has been "redeeming" with the most important areas of our lives. All because we were able to hand them over to Him. 

God knows I needed to be home. This has been a very rough first trimester! And now I get to stay home and raise our baby. Not that finishing school is out of the picture because I would very much like to do that, but this child and my family are the priority. There is no push right now for me to finish school. We have given or finances over to God as well and He has blessed us for it! Harrison and I just cannot believe that I am able to stay home and we can still do all of the things we need to do on just one income. 

The joy that we are experiencing at this moment is indescribable. The plans that God has for you are far better than anything that you could plan for yourself. If you just put them in His hands, you will experience an abundance of His love, mercy, and grace. I pray that you would be able to have the same joy that we have now which can only come from God and through Jesus Christ.

Our little miracle will make his/her appearance in March of 2015. Yes, we are going to be parents!