I missed a few steps...

Treament # 12 has come and gone today.... Hello last treamtnent! No more chemo!  

Oh I was a blubbery mess this morning. Crying over every little thing due to the excitment of, "It's almost over." Nanci and Harrison were to only say few things to me about it otherwise i was forced to put my hand tissues to use! They did well for the most part. I had just a few momemnts when I had to hide and compose myself. I was very emotional!  

We went to our "big time celebratory occasions" place to eat: California Dreamimg. Harrison and I always get so excited for chicken finger platter, 2 side house salads, onion loaf, and croissant. I'll tell you those chicken tenders, as always, were out of this world! Friench fries, are aways a big negative on the day of treatment. The croissant sucked too due to my change in taste. Thanks chemo! But the salad, minus it's tomatoes and eggs (Which made Harrisons meal more enjoyable) hit the spot! Salads have been my craving this week ;)  

After lunch we were on our marry way and I cried a little more of course!   Once we got home, I was ready have my husband and just snuggle in his chest and fall asleep into ablivion. (Best naps ever). I had to wake him up though because I had started to cry again! Whew! This is starting to get old now, thanks. 

Ucle Shorty and Aunt Melinda came by shortly after that and asked on their way in, "How are you felling?" "Good!" I responded. "Actually no, not good at all. This one was bad." My treatments have never bothered me so bad to the point of tears. After my 100th trip to the bathroom, I came back and could barely hold myself together. Harrison was fixing to get up and blug my IV back in and I told him, "No stay right there, I feel like I'm going to throw up. Can I just sit in your lap." I sat there and just cried in his chest. Not because I was excited that this was my last treatment but because I just fealt so bad.

Ever since treamtent #9 I have they have gotten worse and worse, scaring me before each treatment thereafter. I'm so glad this was the last one! I couldn't handle another one. God gives us just enough for us to handle. And 12 was my max!  

We followed Aunt Melinda and Uncle Shorty home to take them up on their offer for supper: more salad! Shortly after we finished eating, I started feeling bad again and had to run back home. Harrison drew a bath for me in hopes of easing my stomach to which another emotional break down took place! Starting to get wierd! I didn't even know what I was crying about at this point. I couldn't pin point a trigger. It was just happening every half hour.  

After I got out of the tub and crawled in the bed with Harrison, it happened again! Twice!!

"What's wrong?" He asked.
"I don't know! I promise I'm not making this up, I just cant' stop!"
"I wish I knew what I could do."
"Just be here for the next one. I promise I'm not making this up. I know this has got to be so annoying for you. You can go into the other room"  
He didn't. And he stayed :) "For better or for worse"  

By the next mental breakdown I knew something wasn't right. I new this was not because I'm still overjoyed that I got to ring the "free of chemo bell." You don't cry this much because you're last treamtent is over. So I got in touch with someone on my oncology team and asked, "What is wrong with me! Has the chemo screwed up my hormones? What is happening?"   Her response:"You hit the ground running with this diagnosis and never looked back."

She's so 100% right. After 2 years of syptoms I didn't care what it was that I had. What do I have to do to get better? Was my immediate response. When it should have been, "Holy cow, I can cancer!?" Just like when you're sick with a cold and the doctor gives you an antibiotic to get better. I compoared this to that. An antibiotic to a cold was no different than how chemotherapy is to cancer, for me at this point.

You need to bioposy? GO for it! Let the surgeries begin!
Oh, it's Hodgkins Lymphoma? How do we get rid of it?
Chemo? Let shave my head. We'll have a party!
Vomit, fatique? Yeah, we'll quit nursing school  

We haven't had a chance to stop and soak in what all was happening. We were just (very quickly) Making life changing decisions. Now that these traumatizing episodes are over, they are coming to the surface and bubbling out! I CANNOT STOP CRYING  

I missed a few steps: The grieving steps. Now that the worst is over, I'm going to hit the grieving process whether I want to or not, I guess!
 
I'm hoping I can get the heck out of St. Matthews this weekend and just get it all off of my chest. So thankful for good friends and a wonderful husband and family who are all here for me... Even though I'm crying at tshe top of a hat! That's no fun for anyone!

I loved you before I met you

Today has been a great day! I had my follow up appointment after treatment #11 and was told I can officially say "so long" to the steroids! I am beyond thrilled about this. I have hit a record breaking 50 lbs gained from taking those stupid things. Thank goodness I'm done with them because I litterally CANNOT gain another ounce or the buttons on my pants are going to fly off!

Harrison and I went to Sears after my appointment and let me tell you, the elastic waist band around those maternity pants have never looked so tempting! Yes, it is time to start working this weight off... especially after that moment of despair! Ok, we may have horked down a whopping pizza at mellow mushroom after the Sears episode but come on, treament #11 was rough!

Even better than the good news on the steroids, Harrison and I got to meet our niece, Paisley, for the first time today. What a precious little baby we have just welcomed into the world! I have fallen in love with Harrisons nieces and nephews and now claim them as my own. However, this is MY first niece that I have known from birth and it's a whole new experience of love. I guess it's because I loved her before I met her and I have been praying for her since the day I knew she was just a peanut in her mothers womb.

I remember a friend of ours told us one time after meeting his baby neice for the first time. "You know, it's unreal how you can love someone so much who has never done anything for you. All she has done is be born."

Funny to think about how Jesus loves us. It's the same way. Before we are born again in Christ, we have never done ANYTHING for Him. Even worse than that, we were SINNING against Him. And in the same aspect, somehow, He still loved us.... Incredible. 

Psalm 37:4

Prayer. Oh, how important it is to pray for others. Not just to pray for our loved ones and our friends, but we need to pray for our enemies as well. The second greatest commandment is to love your neighbors and yourself. We are called to love our enemies.

Let me tell you something about prayer. God will always answer you in 3 different ways: Yes, No, and Not right now. In the midst of you continually asking and Him continually answering you, He is also continually changing and working in you. So never stop praying for something or someone. If you are praying for someone and you see no changes in them, just know that God is working on and making a change in you.

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." I remember a long time ago my step mom and I had a conversation about this verse. I believe that by delighting yourself in the Lord, that means you come to Him everyday with everything. Pray to Him about everything. Delight yourself in Him. When you do that He will give you the desires of your heart. In the sense that He is going to change your desires and give you new desires. Desires that line up with His plan. Isn't that great! If we delight ourselves in God, then we will desire all of the things that He has planned for us. Where you live, your job, your car, your marriage... Delight yourself in the Lord with all of these things.

Now think about it if we don't delight ourselves in Him. We will be agitated and unhappy in our lifes situation. It is so evident that we need God. If we consider Him in every decision, we will desire His outcome for us.

One Flesh

"And the two shall become one flesh."

I don't know where you are in your life or what situation you're in but I am married. Next to God, Harrison is the most important thing to me. Priority #1: God. Priority #2: Harrison. I have to fight to keep him second in my life. I have to fight to make sure that nothing interferes with this.

I have learned something recently: The grass is always going to be greener on the other side. Thanks to Adam and his lovely wife, Eve, it's our human nature to be tempted by sin. So if we already know this about ourselves, why do we even try to take a look on the other side?

I refuse to watch Nicholas Sparks movies, and I refuse to maintain contact with any "past flings." These things like romance movies and ex boyfriends will give me butterflies, and make me want what I don't have. I have no problem admitting this because I know that I am a sinner and I know that the grass is going to always look greener on the other side and I know that I am going to be tempted by things.... Things other than my husband. So knowing this about myself, I need to use it to protect my sinful nature from becoming tempted.

Marriage is not an easy thing. I knew that going into it and not even a year in, I can already vouch for that! I made a commitment though and I need to do everything I can to protect my marriage.

So we know that we are always going to want what someone else has and we know that marriage is hard... Lets use these facts to the best of our knowledge. God says the heart can be deceiving and he says to guard your heart. I love it when real life proves God's word to be true :) because I can vouch to those things too! And I know several people who can do the same.

Whatever your #2 priority is, do whatever you can to protect it. Don't put yourself in situations that make you want what you don't have. 

Another thing... I've worked hard to make sure every other relationship I have does not interfere with my marriage. "Man shall leave his mother and father and cling to his wife." That means that not even our parents can come before our relationship. Our friendships, siblings, finances, nothing.

Its been a learning experience maintaining my marriage as my second priority. My whole family: mom, dad, step mom, in laws, aunts, grandparents, etc.. Wanted to completely take over and fix everything when I was diagnosed with hodgkins. It's hard, but that's not their place anymore. It was hard for me to try and respectfully say, "Thank you but no thank you." It is now Harrisons job to take care of me. Its been hard for my family to take on their new positions as my supporters and let someone else step in, take control, and keep me safe... But they have been the best. Thank you :)

Making these sacrifices: not letting my own mother take care of me when I got sick, not watching romance movies, and breaking off every past relationship that was more than just friends.... Those are not easy sacrifices. I have to be obedient to God and put Harrison before all of those things though. I have to trust that those are the best decisions because God says so.. And He has pulled through like always :)

Even though it's hard, I am so happy and at peace in my marriage. I LOVE my husband and fall in love with him more and more each day. In the midst of all of our struggles that seems impossible but nothing is impossible for our God and that is why I have decided to make hard sacrifices in an effort to put my marriage in God's hands. Again, I love it when God's word proves itself to be true!

The greatest commandment, the road to peace!

I am a firm believer in achieving peace by maintaining your priorities. I could write a book on this as there is so much to be said about it. Maybe one day I will. For now I'll get the main ideas down:

First and foremost, where do you start? What's the first priority,? What do you fight for to keep first in your life? God's word tells us that. It also tells us where peace can be found.

Mark 12:28-30 says, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength. This is the greatest commandment."

In a nut shell, God comes first. Have you put God first in your life? are there other things that you have put before Him? Eliminate them!

Sounds harsh, huh? But here's the thing.. Yeah priority #1 is God. He comes first. That means you may have to make a few sacrifices in order to keep Him first. But it's more than just putting Him first and making hard sacrifices. It says, "Love the Lord your God." If you love someone with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength, how hard is it to put them first? How hard is it to make sacrifices for them?

Theres a picture in our house where we can see it everyday and it says, "when you love someone, it is not a burden to do things for them."

I'm so not even close to finished here. That's just priority #1 and not enough to say about it! There is so much more to blog!

Health Natzi

So my aunt Andrea will be very proud of this post. My dad (her brother) on the other hand, is going to think I've taken a turn over to the dark side. Sorry, dad!

You all should know by now, once I get a new idea bouncing around in my head it stays there until I've reached a full understanding of whatever it is, or had a serious epiphany on the matter. Well I'm interested in doing further research on this one but I have had a TON of epiphanies.

A friend of mine recently showed me a video of a man explaining all of his research on processed foods. The guy basically thinks the government is intentionally putting things in our foods to lower the population. Ok... Lets calm down, thats a little nutso! However, I was disgusted to learn the things that go in our everyday "junk foods." This drove me to further question other things.

So my dad is a very intelligent man who does his research and does what he can to lives by biblical principals. 9 times out of 10 I just follow him on the politics front. He thinks all these organic people are nutso and thinks we live in the greatest country in america because we can have a variety of foods, (cheese, salmon, beef, etc.) for an extremely affordable price. I agree with you on that one! But how far have we gone to be able to have that kind of convenience or luxury, moreover? The way things are processed makes it easier, more affordable, and more addictive.

Yes, dad I know what you're thinking, the majority of people wouldn't be able to afford to live a %100 organic lifestyle. The only way we could afford that is if we grew all of our own vegitables, and killed/processed the cow ourselves. You know, like how they had to did it way back when? Wait a minute! Hmmm... Epiphany!!

Like Phil Robertson, I agree that the old school way is always the best way. "how did people ever live before cell phones." I say things like that all the time! We have so many modern day conveniences that are nothing more than wants. They are NOT needs.

Well, how in the world did people ever live before processed foods? Well, probably a lot healthier for one thing. Sure it didn't taste as good as that mcdouble you got for lunch for a DOLLAR and they probably had to work a little harder for it but, this question got to me. I then got curious, "how popular were things like diabetes, cancer, or MS way back when?" I asked myself. I've yet to do any legit research but what I did find on google said, people lived a lot better before processed foods. The difference in mortality rates on cancer was astronomical.

I caught Harrison a little off guard as I tried to bring up this new idea bouncing around in my head. "The government is trying to decrease the population by killing us off so I want to grow a garden," I blurted. "Ummm, no." Was his immediate response.

I have no intentions whatsoever to become a health natzi. However, I am concerned about what long term exposure to a large intake of certain foods will do to our bodies. Especially Harrison. That man got handed the short end of the stick on the family tree. Diabetes for one thing is a serious concern for him. So I'm worried about what 4 diet mt. Dews a day and a jar of peanut butter every week can do after a period of time. If anyone is going to get cancer from diet drinks, it WILL be my husband.

I have decided that on certain items like that, we need to find substitutes. But don't you think for a second we aren't going to indulge on our chicken nuggets and mcdoubles on our way home from church on a Sunday afternoon. And it goes down so nicely with a fizzy diet soda. Supersize on the fries please!! Yes, we will still let things like this be apart of our diet but not our EVERYDAY diet. Hello moderation!