Brothers and sisters in Christ

Being that I had cancer for two years without knowing it, Harrison and I have decided to have yearly check ups and have made sure that we found someone who doesn't take 5 minutes to "diagnose us from across the room." We have made sure also that we feel listened too and all of our concerns, big or small, are delt with and taken seriously.

My poor guy has scared me several times at night while he sleeps. It sounds like he struggles so hard to breath... "has to be sleep apnea." After my diagnosis of lymphoma, we were GOING to get him checked out. He had the sleep study done a few weeks ago and we picked up his mask today.

We so enjoyed the lady who helped us out today. As she was "checking his boxes" on his paperwork she said, "oh you're easy!" "Good thing one of us is healthy!" I joked. And then she went, "Honey let me tell you something. You've got God's extra attention right now because He has to have His hands on you at all times. Isn't that something?"

As we were getting Harrison set up, she asked us, "do you know anyone who has a mask?" We told her of someone we knew who is very dear to us that doesn't go anywhere without their mask.

On our way out the door, she said to us, "I don't know what it is but I feel like I need to tell you to please be praying for your friend." Little does she know, this person we know who also has the mask, has just had their spouse walk out on them and their children. She didn't know that!

We are all God's children. Its crazy to think about the connection sometimes and when God does things like He did today to show us how real that connection is. She is our sister in Christ and He is our father and He is doing a work in us. Amazing.. Just amazing!

Enough distress to empathize, enough strength to encourage

Treatment #10 has knocked me flat on my face. I slept the whole time we were there and then the whole way back and then for 3 more hours when we got home. Goodness gracious! I dreamed about chicken nuggets and then woke up with a serious sweet tooth. A pop tart and bowl of cereal fixed with love by my dear husband fixed the craving!

You know, I have got to live in the smallest town in America! Including myself, there were 4 people getting treatment today from St. Matthews! Not only that, one of them has the same type of cancer as me. What a small world!

It was hard for me today. I am thrilled with excitement over what God is doing, how well I'm doing, how I'm almost done with all of this mess and these other people have such a long way to go. It makes me feel kind of bad.

We had another bell ringer today. I of course am bubbling over with excitement because that's going to be me in 4 weeks. Not to mention we got to witness more answered payers. God is so good! One woman said to us, "oh, I just wish that was me...." Harrison told her, "You'll get to go up there eventually!" She chuckled and then said, "Oh, I hope so." Gosh how my heart breaks. I forget that there are people in there who haven't been getting the same reports as me.

My biggest concern is fatigue and nausea. That won't even last but 5 days or so. I only have to face those insignificant issues two more times as well. There are people in that room that are fighting for their life. I mean I am too but... My treatments are working and causing me very little distress.

Praying for healing hands on the lives of the people in that room especially for the ones that we have gotten to know. Praying also so very hard that God would use me. Maybe there's a reason I've been doing so well.. God has put some people in my life to whome I can totally relate to and empathize with but also have the strength to be to them and for them whatever they need! Man, God is good!

Blessings uncovered

A couple of weeks ago we were asked to share our testimony at an Easter service for church. Pastor Shane made it clear that it was ok for me to do all of the talking just and have Harrison stand with me. As my friend, Kim, put it, "I was the voice, and he was the face!" The shy thing that he is was more nervous than I was and all he had to do was stand there!

I do great in front of a room full of students. They usually shake their heads as I bounce around the room with excitement going on about biology. Seeing the "light bulbs" go off as they get what I'm saying is the most rewarding feeling. I have the potential to transfer that into getting the "light bulbs" to go off about Jesus. However, I was extremely nervous as I was doing something like this for the first time, but also so excited about the doors this could open. I have a story... I have lots of stories actually and they need to be told. God needs to be glorified.

There were a number of things that took place due to this event where God spoke loudly, "I'm right here, right by your side. It's ok. Everything is ok. I am here."

Like I said, Harrison was more nervous than I was just to stand there and look precious. Everyone joked about "what a great job" he did in comparison to me but he did do a fantastic job. I could have totally stood up there by myself and gotten away with that but no, he stood by me up on that stage. He helped calm my nerves. The amount of support I received from him doing that is huge.

I've gone on and on about my weight due to these steroids. I can't fit into any of my old clothes. I have a few pair of jeans that I borrowed from a family member just until I get my weight under control after the steroids. Those are the only pants I have! I thought to myself, "surely those couple of dresses that were way too big for me last spring should fit now." Um wrong! Every dress I tried on, I couldnt get back off without help. Finding out that my "too big" clothes were now ridiculously too small and coming to the conclusion that I literally had NOTHING to wear became devastating.

I got a call from my mother in law, "You need a black pair of pants. I'm taking you." We went to belks that afternoon and she got me more than just a pair of black pants. I found a couple of outfits that I felt good in. I so needed that, not just because I needed something to wear to the event but emotionally, I needed a boost. I can't describe the love and security I feel from having ashea and bing. We are so blessed.

Before we went in to the event, Harrison and I held hands and prayed in the car. While I was asking God to please calm my nerves and... "me me me" I realized how selfish I was being. By being nervous, I'm making it about me. By being so embarrassed of my size and the way I look, I'm making it about me. This was not about me. This was about Jesus. No matter how nervous, how big, or how much hair I had God needed to send a message to a group of people... My looks do not mean a thing when it comes to that.

While we were up on stage, I saw Ashby sitting on the back row. That girl would NEVER walk up into a place by herself. And here she was, at a church she's never been to, filled with people she didn't know. I know what that meant for her to be there. That kind if support from my best friend was the straw that broke the camels back.

As I looked back on the support from my husband, family, and friends, I broke down. Again, there I was crying in my kitchen, "Oh, Jesus thank you. Lord, God I am so blessed and so undeserving of it. Blessed, blessed! God! I am so blessed!"

I'm so thankful for that event and the blessings in my life that came to light through it.

These new things I've learned about myself.

"So you're telling me you hate life and everything in it and about it." These were the words of my doctor after I explained to him how I felt when I was off of my ADD medicine. I was 16 and had just moved to Seattle. Marcia, my step mom, had taken me to the doctor to get established.

"You know that feeling you get when your alarm goes off in the morning and the only thing you want to do more than anything in the world is roll back over and go to sleep? That's how I feel about doing everything. Even picking up a piece of trash on the floor." I told him. "So you're telling me you hate life and everything in it and about it." I knew what he was telling me. I did not have ADD, I was depressed.

That whole next year, I slept my depression away. The first few weeks I was living with my dad I slept in until 2:00 every afternoon. Crazy part about that is, it was 5:00 SC time. Then I would take a nap everyday I got home from school. A nap for me was usually 3 or 4 hours and I would still sleep 8 hours at night. My brother would wake me up for dinner every night and it was so hard to get up and get to the table. I just wanted to sleep. One time I remember he didn't wake me up and I remember I slept through until the next morning.

My grades were a real struggle. I still had that feeling every time I had to make myself sit down and do homework. I just DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT. That's the way it always was though. That's just me when it came to homework... And chores... And... Everything.

Towards the end of my senior year I started to notice a change. I would wake up and make my bed.... Weird! I've never felt like doing that before? I cleaned up my room, redecorated it, and kept it clean. How odd. I must be getting old?

I moved out shortly after that on my own and had a routine. I would wake up at 8:00 every morning and start my day off with a cup of coffee and straightening up the house. Doing dishes, making up my bed, etc. Wow, I am just a little old lady!

I look back at this now with more knowledge and insight on my change. The whole year of ridiculous long naps on top of my regular 8 hours was me sleeping off years and years of depression. Waking up to a routine was not me changing, that was me seeing for the first time who I was. I, Taylor, like to do the dishes first thing in the morning. I, Taylor, am a good student. I, Taylor, LOVE to have a project to keep me busy.... I can keep going about lots of things. All of these things about myself, I never knew because they were snuffed out by my depression.

Due to my cancer, fatigue has been a major issue for me. It's symptoms are so similar to depression. More than anything in the world, I DO NOT want to do normal chores. The laundry, making the bed, etc. My grades were going down and all I wanted to do was lay on the couch and watch tv. I would come home on my lunch breaks to take naps to get myself through the day.

One of the several doctors I went to put me on antidepressants and diagnosed me with depression. This was tough coming to terms being a newly wed. You can imagine how it made Harrison feel!

Of course, later we found out that I was not depressed and was suffering from fatigue.

This week I started making up the bed again :) I did all the laundry and washed the dishes every morning. I told Harrison, "i hope you know that I haven't been sweeping the floors because it really hurts my back, but it won't once I lose this weight. I want you to know also that I haven't been keeping the house straight because I've been so fatigued. It's not because I'm lazy." That's such a nice thing to know and learn about myself.. I, Taylor, am NOT lazy.

So glad to be on the up and up of this beautiful mess!

Lung damage, steroids, and 30 extra lbs!

Treatment number 9 is in the books! I had it 5 days ago and I'm just now perking up! The past few treatments have been an absolute breeze due to the steroids I believe. I was up and about doing my usual daily activities without a thought of the 3 rounds of chemo that were pumped through me just the day prior.

My steroids started at a whopping 60 mg a couple of months ago and have now dwindled down to small dose of 15 mg! So far I have had no cough or shortness of breath (something we keep an eye out for when we drop my dosage) and if things continue to go well, I will drop another 5 mg this week and every week after until I'm off! I'm so excited to get off of these steroids but now that my dosage is so low in comparison to what it was, I am totally feeling the affects of the chemo again.

Anti nausea pills for breakfast, lunch, and dinner! I've also just been so tired to do anything. I'm still eating everything my little heart desires. My luck, that will be the last steroid symptom to go!

I am totally miserable carrying 30 extra pounds of water weight. I am totally embarrassed when I run into someone at the store and they don't recognize me because my face has doubled in size. However, I think these steroids have been a blessing in the long run. Sure I complain about being nauseated and just feeling plain "yuck!" but most people who go through what I'm going through get sick. Thanks to the steroids, I have maintained a very healthy appetite and put on some extra poundage. I'm no doctor but I feel like that has to contribute to why I have done so well.

If it wasn't for the lung damage, I wouldn't have been on these things for the majority of my treatments. Remember when I said Christians tend to live in an upside down world? I'm thanking God this morning for lung damage, steroids, and 30 extra pounds!

"I am redeemed"

re·deem  (r-dm)

tr.v. re·deemed, re·deem·ing, re·deems

1. To recover ownership of by paying a specified sum.

2. To pay off (a promissory note, for example).

3. To turn in (coupons, for example) and receive something in exchange.

4. To fulfill (a pledge, for example).

5. To convert into cash: redeem stocks.

6. To set free; rescue or ransom.

7. To save from a state of sinfulness and its consequences. See Synonyms at save¹.

8. To make up for: The low price of the clothes dryer redeems its lack of special features.

9. To restore the honor, worth, or reputation of: You botched the last job but can redeem yourself on this one.

 

 

Redeem... Have you ever thought about the word? You can "redeem" things like a gift card and "exchange" it for something. Like food, clothes, jewelry, etc. But did you know that our God is a "redeemer?" I've heard it and said it myself so many times but I've never actually thought about the word.

 

"redeemer." "exchanger." God can take things and "redeem" them. 

Romans 8:28

²⁸ "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who^[a] have been called according to his purpose."

 

I have seen God take many of the terrible things in my life alone and use them for good. He has taken my cancer for one thing and totally redeemed it!

 

He did the same thing for us with His son on the cross. He loved us so much that He gave us His son. He took His one and only son and used Him to "exchange" our sins. Oh my goodness, wow. I am still in awe at the way that God's salvation ceases to amaze me. What a love. 

 

John 3:16

^16" For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."

 

 

I remember in church one morning, a song they were singing. I don't remember the name of it. In fact the only thing I remember from it is this one line because these words stopped me dead in my tracks. "What more could He give?" God gave us His son. What more could He give? Oh, how He loves us! I am so thankful for our "redeemer." ;)