Just keep swimming

We found out that my "silly trip to the ER" was due to some lung damage I now have caused by one of the chemo medications. They immediately stopped giving that particular medication. Since then, I have been noticing some new hair growth. Score! However, In order to prevent the lung damage from becoming permanent, I have been put on a very high dose of steroids for an extended period of time. These steroids have been the worst part of this entire process. 

They are supposed to make you wide awake but mix them with 3 rounds of chemo and a handful of daily medications and all they do is keep me awake. Not awake enough to be out and about and productive. I find myself getting into the most annoying cycle: I get up and start doing things around the house and quickly get tired. So I lie down to take a nap and then I can't fall asleep! So I get back up to do stuff around the house, and the cycle continues. Annoying!

Its been weeks and since being on them I have now gained a whopping 35 pounds! Yikes! Yes, I also have the moon face going on. I look like a totally different person. Which is seriously embarrassing when I run into someone for the first time since I've started treatments and it takes them an awkward 5 seconds to recognize me.

Needless to say, my self confidence is totally shot. I'm beyond pleased that my hair is growing back but I still look like a little dough boy! I've been trying to remember that God and Harrison both see me as no different (and that is by some great miracle). I can't understand why that isn't good enough. The only man I have to impress in my life thinks I'm drop dead gorgeous, and I don't even have to impress him... He's stuck with me for the rest of his life!

Every week they bring my dose down just a little bit more. Slowly but surely tapering me off. I finally get to the halfway mark and hit a stumbling block. 2 am the other morning I get up and go to the kitchen for something to drink and notice my right knee was hurting a little. Not half an hour after I lie back down and both knees have flared up into excrutiating pain. I examined them and noticed they were also swollen. It took a few hours and some meds from my surgery to knock the pain out. Half drugged on pain pills, my mother in law drags me in to see my oncologist. There we proceed to find out that my knees are fat, not swollen and the knee pain is being caused from steroid withdrawals.... Fabulous!

Today I noticed my cough and shortness of breath trying to make a come back. I decided since my nurse practitioner likes me and added me on facebook that I had the right to send her a personal message. I was instructed to jack up the dosage again. So disappointing!

I'm hoping next week I will be able to hut the diet trail. I feel absolutely miserable! I will still eat until I'm full... I'll just filling up on healthier choices. A daily walk is also in order. Trying to make it through this obstacle! "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...."

Blessings

Since I have been home, I have been crafting my little heart away. Every great idea I see on pinterest has come to life in our house and Harrison is about to go crazy! Eventually I ran out of things to make for myself and for our house so I had the fun idea to create an online boutique through facebook. I have been selling quite a bit of things and it's been fun having something to do. I also love catching up with friends and family when I deliver their items.

I then came up with an even more fun idea, to hold a craft show at our house. We spent the day cleaning up and cooking things. My friend came over and helped me decorate the house with all of the things I had made. I was a little dissapointed that a very large number of people were unable to come. I probably had about ten people show up, but we still had a very good time!

I love zoning out in my craft room and making things while I listen to sermons on audio. I love the social aspect that comes along with delivering my items. And I loved the idea of a ladies night at my house. This is why I craft. I didn't start this up because we needed money, if that was the case then my prices wouldn't be so low! I was not at all expecting the turn out that I had the night of my show. A pile of money landed in our laps because of that event. I wasn't expecting that at all. I was just looking forward to a girls night!

A couple of days later I was in the kitchen fixing myself a midnight snack.... something that has become a regular routine. My mind started going. Because of my cancer, I have switched my major and I'm doing what I love to do by tutoring biology and making crafts. I feel rich. I feel so wealthy. Now, we can stand back and look at the big picture of my situation. Harrison and I do not own our home, our vehicles are 10 years old, we don't have a large income and we are now in the tens of thousands of dollars in debt due to all of my medical bills. That doesn't sound very rich at all!

I'm amazed at how living as a Christian is so upside down from the "world" in a very large number of ways. I mean, listen to myself! "because of my cancer, all of these wonderful things have happened." and "I feel rich." When we are clearly broke!

I was standing in the kitchen and I started to look around. We live in a beautiful home and I have gotten to spend a lot of time there decorating it with all of my crafts and all of my time that I am there.  Again, I am there all day because of my cancer. I get to stay home everyday while my husband works to keep the roof of our beautiful home above our heads. Then my mind started wandering some more and I started to think about Harrison. Oh, my soul when I get to thinking about him. Obviously he is a good provider. The way he takes care of me is mind blowing. He hasn't missed one doctors appointment, surgery, or treatment. While I'm on the oporating table or in the recliner receiving my treatment, he sits and waits for hours in a hard back chair.

Not only does he make me feel supported, cared, and provided for, he also makes me feel beautiful. As I slowly gain more and more weight, and slowly loose more and more hair, it becomes devistating for me. Then there's Harrison... I become bigger and balder every time I look in the mirror, but to him I'm no less beautiful.

The more I started thinking about this, the bigger the tears started to swell up. All of a sudden I was sitting on the kitchen floor with my head in my hands, crying hysterically. "I am so blessed. I am so blessed."

I'll leave you with this:

Mark 8:35 "For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it."

Mark 10:31 "But many who are first will be last, and the last first."

Mark 10:43-44 " Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all."



I am living proof of these verses. I don't say these things, and tell everyone about all of our blessings and "I feel rich" because I want to brag or put myself on a pedistal. It is absolutely evident that God has been %100 faithful and true to His words that I have posted above. I am living proof of that and He needs to be glorified. I want to share with everyone God's faithfulness in our lives so that maybe someone will see that He would be faithful in theirs as well.

Psalm 8:4

Since my diagnosis, I have recieved e mails, messages, cards, etc. from all kinds of people. I love getting all the different messages and cards in the mail. The words of encouragement lift my spirits every day. I hate that I am unable to pick up the phone and call each person to say thank you. So can I just take this opportunity to apologize! I have received each letter and they have all touched my heart. Thank you!

Some of my favorites are the ones that start out with, "you might not remember me but..." There is one girl in particular who has been very persistant in getting in touch with me. I haven't seen her since I was 8 years old. I started receving messages saying, "I need your address, financially I am in a bad spot but once I get out of this mess I have something I want to send you!" Did you read the part where I said I haven't seen her since I was 8 years old? Bless her sweet little heart!

It took several weeks but we did get a card in the mail with the sweetest message and a check written out for $50. We often get cards in the mail with $20 or $50 and because of that I can call Harrison and ask him, "Honey, can you just stop and pick up something for supper? I'm really tired and don't feel like cooking." Being able to do that without feeling any guilt about it financially is huge. So now I want to take this opportunity to say thank you to everyone who has dropped a little bit of cash by our mailbox. It has been such a blessing.

This one instance in particular though really touched my heart. This sweet girl went out of her way to donate. I was reminded of a bible verse Psalm 8:4 "What is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him?" I have cried over this verse on a number of occasions. "Who am I that you are mindful of me, God?" I love it when He puts us in certain situations that puts things into perspective for us. I'm going to say it again, I have not seen this girl since I was 8 years old! Who am I that she is mindful of me? To go out of her way in the midst of her financial troubles to pull together $50 and take the time to send a hand written letter of encouragement.

It's the same way with Jesus. We should be just as thankful that we are so important to Him. The bible uses the word "investments." We are so important to Jesus that He considers us an investment! Wow! And yet, I fall short of the glory of God everyday. I put Him on the back burner everyday but I am still so loved and so charished by Him. And so undeserving of it.

That is grace. That is why He sent His one and only son to die on the cross. Who am I that I am deserving of that?