"If it wasn't for..."

Friday is my favorite day of the week. Not only is the campus closed but I get to spend the whole day napping and catching up on my shows with my 5 month old niece. Unfortunately I couldn't keep her today as her mom stayed home.

As I was deep into the last season of  "Lost" on Netflix I got a text from my mom saying she was coming through town and wanted to stop by. Dang it! My mom has yet to see sweet Paisley and the one time I don't have her, she is in town! Oh well. Deciding that my appearance was too rough even for the woman who changed my diapers, I got up and took a quick shower before she came by.

We had a nice visit and as soon as she left my phone buzzed. It was Sarah (my PA) posting on facebook about our sewing class tomorrow. Shoot! I still havn't gotten any supplies for that. Thankful that I was already dressed due to my moms visit, I scrammed out the door to head into town and get what I needed for tomorrow.

While I was standing in line inside the fabric store a woman came walked in. I immediately took notice to how beautiful she was. Tall, blonde, and dressed to the tee! I noticed she kept looking at me. Feeling a little self conscious with my sweat pants and way overdue pedicure, I started fidgeting my clothes.

On my way out, she came out of no where and stopped me. "You're a survivor aren't you?" She asked me with a big smile. Confirming her suspicions she went on to say, "You can tell when you see one. I just noticed that there was something about you and then I saw your mark." She then pulled down the top part of her blouse revealing her matching scar. We finished up a tearful conversation and parted ways after I gave her my card with the blog website on it.

As I was headed back home I was thinking about my encounter with this woman. With the sound of the radio in the backdrop of my thoughts, I kept thinking about my scar. I stopped trying to hide it once it went from being an incision to a scar simply because it looks 100 times better than it did after my surgery. So it's not that noticeable to me, but it sure is to everyone else. I have so many people ask me about it. "Maybe I should try to cover this thing up." I though to myself, and then I tuned into the radio. It was a new song on Christian radio that I haven't heard yet and the words that were sung put my thoughts to a screeching halt. "And you wear your scars, Like they're who you are"

You can't make this up. The next set of lyrics put me into a full blown breakdown,

"Give Him your wounds, your bruised and broken pieces
All your questions, all your secrets
You don't have to hide who you are
You belong to someone greater
Than all your past mistakes and failures
Rested who He is
He knows how to make your pieces fit"

I mentioned in a recent post how my thoughts tend to spiral out of control and lead back to my cancer every single time. It happened again in that moment but it certainly was not in a negative sense like it has been every other time. I thought to myself: "I was in that store at the exact moment as that woman because my mom came when she did. That's caused me to get my lazy self off of the couch in the first place. I had to go get fabric which I wouldn't have been able to do if I was keeping Paisley today. I wouldn't be out shopping for fabric if I wasn't in this sewing class and I wouldn't be in this sewing class if I didn't know Sarah. And I wouldn't have known Sarah if I didn't have cancer."

It's days like this when I know God is who He says He is. Now I have a headache from all of those spinning thoughts! Here is the song that stopped me dead in my tracks today. And if it wasn't for this song, I probably wouldn't have written this post ;)

http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=meredith+andrews+pieces&FORM=VIRE1#view=detail&mid=93496E81B0EA3283335E93496E81B0EA3283335E

Forgiveness

I believe in priorities.  I think if you set them straight and enforce them it can change your life for the better.  I've written about this before and I want to write a whole book on it. God tells us what the greatest commandment is: to love Him with everything we have.  If we accomplish that,  we should have no problem prioritizing everything else according to His word.

I have done well with this. When I married Harrison I made sure that that God came first, he came second and I was to do everything I could to make sure nothing interfered with that.  I have put myself in uncomfortable situations where I've hurt people because I refused to let them into certain areas ofmy life. Areas  that I thought, if I let anyone in,  it would cause friction between my relationship with God or my husband.

I was successful in doing this. I love the Lord my God and I trust Him with my life.  Harrison lights up my whole world and the love I have for him is indescribable.

I left out an important part when I got these priorities straight. I didn't forgive these people for interfering. This has lead to a massive build up of anger. Yes,  I've recently talked about my medical problems that cause irritability but I don't think it's just that.

We had such an interesting sermon this morning. Our pastor used the cruise ship that crashed near Italy as an example of forgiveness. I didn't know that they recently turned the ship right side up to get it out of there. But there were a lot of things that came into play in order to do this. Just like there are a lot of things we need to do in order to get become "upright " in our own lives.

One of the many things they did was defule the ship to get rid of its excess weight, making it easier to get to the upright position. I have so much defuling I need to do.  I'm holding onto so much anger and it doesn't feel good.  The only way to get rid of this junk or this "fuel" is through forgiveness. I failed at this step.

Another thing our pastor pointed out was the way the ship looked when they finally got it up. Beautiful on one side but worn on the other. People can look like this too. Beautiful on the outside but messed up on the inside. There are a lot of people who look at me and see the girl who survived cancer with an unwavering faith. But just like everyone else, there are parts of me that are damaged too.

I loved how this morning he mentioned the cost that had to go into getting that ship upright. Millions of dollars in fees and such. Jesus already paid our debt though. We can seek His forgiveness and receive it free of charge,  no "works" required because of what He did for us on the cross.

My favorite part of the day was tonight's sermon and the verse that was mentioned: "seek and you will find." I'm seeking forgiveness and the beautiful thing about it is that I'm going to find. God said so!

No energy, no tolerance, and no concentration.

I know I've said on a number of occasions how tired I am. The fatigue has been such an irritating issue that has taken control over some important areas of my life.

I've also noticed some other disturbing changes that have had a major affect on my grades and my relationships. Out of nowhere came this irritability. And poor Harrison is the brunt of it. He can pick the wrong place to sit in the living room and my feelings are crushed.I'm fully aware of the ignorance in this but I still get so upset. Worse than that, I get angry. My tolerance level is at a -10. Like I said: poor Harrison!

Lastly, a symptom that goes hand in hand with my fatigue: no concentration. Do you get what I've got going on? No energy, no tolerance, and no concentration. A recipe for disaster when it comes to school.

I wrote in my previous post about all of the tests I'm getting done to figure out what my 9 months of treatments damaged. Today, I got my results back! It looks like an overactive thyroid and high cholesterol. I was discouraged when I walked into the pharmacy to pick up yet another medication. My idea of getting better is coming off of the medication, not taking more and more. So it gets to me every time the doctors right another prescription. However, when I got home tonight and opened the bag, the name of this medicine was familiar.

One of my biology teachers used her own personal experiences when she was explaining thyroid stimulating hormone. She described a period she was going through when she also was experiencing strange symptoms. One of them being no energy! It was so funny when she was telling us how she didn't even have the energy or motivation to use a regular bath towel to dry off with because it was too heavy. She made her husband get her a hand towel instead! These strange episodes lead her to also get some tests done and she found a hormone imbalance. "SYNTHROID!" She excitedly shouted when she told us the medication that was the answer to all of these problems.

This woman is hilarious and an absolute joy. Shes a tiny little thing, in great shape and she bounces across the classroom all day long waving her (fake) femur bone around while she blows students minds with her enthusiasm over the complicated subject. So when I saw "synthroid" labeled on the bottle, I thought "SYNTHROID! " I hope this stuff gives me at least half of the energy that woman has. And if it can help me get this weight off? I have no words for that!

So today was not a sad day ;) it was the very opposite! I'm starting to feel a mistle encouraged for the first time this semester!

Today was a sad day.

Today was a sad day. Reality totally set in for me and it certainly was not a good reality. This is the kind of reality that has you hanging on to your denial by a single thread with everything you have. Sounds depressing? Well that's the harsh reality that I'm currently facing.

Every little thing reminds me of the compiling events that always lead back to my cancer. Harrison can say one thing to make me feel like I've upset him and all of a sudden I'm stumbling down that horrid path of reminders that scream at me: "You're a victim of that disease and every symptom that comes along with it." As soon as I feel like I did something wrong I think, "Well, you can't try to pull this off by being cute because you're not cute anymore. Remember, you look so different? Because you have no hair and you're 50 lbs bigger because of those stupid steroids. Remember those steroids? Because chemo damaged your lungs. Remember chemo? Because you had cancer." Every. Single.Time. My thoughts lead right back to that.

I'm so tired. All the I'm tired. This fatigue is causing me to be unsuccessful in my classes. Those bad grades are the best reminder of what I've been through. I've been back and forth between my family PA, sleep specialists and so on to try and find out where this fatigue is coming from. In the back of my head I keep hoping that it's not depression. Again!

I'm putting myself out there right now like I have already on a number of occasions on this blog. I've battled with depression for a long time so I was not ready to hear at my doctors appointment today: "I think it's time for antidepressants. Again!" Heres the thing about it that frustrates me: I don't have an addictive personality and I'm not someone who is susceptible to depression. I've struggled with this because of the things I've been through.

My hormones have gotten out of wack so many times. Not because of a health disorder, but because of all of the mess that I've dealt with. All day long I've felt like that's not fair!

I was so upset today. Thankful for sunglasses and back roads I was able to hide my tears from the world on my drive to Columbia. I was glad I could also indulge in my chocolate in peace and then cry some more every time a song on christian radio reminded me of what my savior did for me. Ok, chocolate probably wasnt the best thing to make me feel better about being fat. But somehow, it always does! Ladies, you know what I'm talking about!

Today was a sad day, but sometimes we need these days to get us excited about some good news: Jesus died for you! Is there anyone else out there like me, who has a list compiling of reasons why they can't wait to get to heaven? Mine just got a little but longer today. No more depression! Oh what a day that will be!