Radiant Child of God

Since I have met Harrison, I have fallen in love with many of his friends and family. I feel like they are mine now, just as much as they are his and sometimes maybe even a little more ;) God opened the floodgates of blessings when He put Harrison in my life. There is one woman in particular who has been extra special to me as she was a big help as I battled lymphoma.

I discovered how special Ginger Jacumin was to Harrison's family when we went to attend her wedding back when he and I were dating. You are a special person indeed if my mother in law gets dressed up to go anywhere for you! I heard nice things about her and her soon to be husband along with hilarious stories of  Harrison and his brother growing up with Mrs. Ginger's son.

Down here, most families set a week aside during the summer to stay at the beach. That summer, her family was there the same week as Harrison's. It was also shortly after she had received her second diagnosis of breast cancer.

Harrison and I met up with them and were able to catch up her new husband on the beach. "Mr. John y'all sure have been traveling a lot!" Harrison joked. "She's dying, Harrison. It's gotten to her bone. So we go where she wants to go." I was grieved as I listened to him explained her situation. It gave me a not so fun perspective as I was learning for myself how deep and serious my feelings were for Harrison. It was something that I just couldn't imagine. Little did I know that I had cancer at that very moment and God would soon have us go through the same thing, at the same point in our marriage! But certainly not to that extent.

As she walked up to us, she tipped her hat revealing the little hair she had left due to her treatments, and with a big smile she said, "how do you do!" Incredible. I had no idea she was a cancer survivor and you certainly wouldn't know that she was up against this battle for the second time. I remember I told her once, "I don't know what I would do if someone told me I had to get back in that chair again." She responded, "Oh you would do just fine. I've kept up with your blogs!"

Mrs. Ginger found out she was doing well enough to switch to a chemo pill during the same time as my diagnosis. The pill has a lot less side effects, plus you don't have to go sit in the chair for 5 hours at a time to receive your treatments! It always gives you something to look forward to when someone you know has a check up or a scan scheduled the same day as your treatment. She and I got to visit each other from each end of the spectrum. She and her husband came to visit us during my first chemo after I shaved my head. She looked beautiful! You could tell those pills were doing her a lot better than "the chair" as I call it. Her face was lit up and she had a thick head of silver hair that had its natural flow coming back. "Don't worry. Once it gets to here, it just grows and grows!" She told me.

The next time we were able to visit like that, it was the other way around. I saw an update from her saying she was going back in for weekly chemo treatments. I have learned that I'm a delayed griever. At this time, I had just entered a new stage where I had become  very empathetic towards other cancer patients. I don't even know what you would call that, but it certainly helped me work through my experience with the disease. So when I found out that a beautiful, strong, and kind person like her had to go back to the chair, I lost it. I spent more than a few minutes sobbing on my couch for this women. Yes it sounds dramatic, but remember I was grieving!

This all happened to be on the same day as my scan so I was definitely going to see her. I sent her a message letting her know I would be up there and asked if there was anything in particular was craving or wanted to eat. If you have read this blog from the beginning, you know that I definitely had my own cravings! She turned down the offer, but I got in my car and left early anyways. My first stop was the Lifeway to find something to help keep her mind on what's important. I spent too much time searching for the perfect book. It couldn't be depressing, had to offer hope that Jesus gives no matter what you're going through in life, and it had to have questions/exercises for application. I finally found what I was looking for and walked over to Panera Bread to get her a sweet treat. I guess this is how I grieve!

It's never a quiet moment with Mrs. Ginger. There's always something to talk about and the conversation is always fulfilling and entertaining! We got to catch up and laugh as I downed that awful drink I needed before my scan, and then she told me what I was not expecting to hear. She had received so many good reports, I figured she was getting better. When I asked her about it, she responded, "Oh honey, I'll never be in remission. They're just keeping it at bay." I couldn't help myself. Treats began to flood my eyes and I was about to loose it. She quickly changed the subject, leaving me totally embarrassed! I'm so thankful now that I had that visit with her. "Something sweet, and something to pass the time." I explained as I handed her the gifts.

A few days later during a late night conversation on messenger I deeply apologized. "I am so sorry I started crying! You should not have to be the one comforting me while you're the one in the chair!" Little did she know, I was sobbing at that very moment while I was processing all of her latest health updates she had given me. My hero's response, "Oh don't cry for me, I'm a child of God!"

I'm so thankful for all of the love I have opened my heart for with the wonderful people that came into my life with Harrison. I'm particularly thankful for this radiant "child of God." I only hope that her suffering was as minimal as she led it on to be. My heart is broken now though. Mrs. Ginger's good reports dwindled fast and her body could no longer take the treatments. I sobbed some more last night as I wrote this and now Harrison and I are grievous as we have just heard the news. Mrs. Ginger, in all of her radiance, has gone to be with Jesus. It was such a painful prayer for me last night as I asked God to please take her home soon. She has fought this disease for a long time and, in my eyes, deserved nothing more than the peace and happiness of being in heaven with Him. I was not ready for her to leave us, but I was more than ready for her to finally be pain free.

I would ask that you would please pray for those who are learning what life will be like without her beautiful soul. Her husband, who was faithfully by her side through this gruesome battle. Might I add, with a smile on his face every time that we saw him. Pray also for her two children and six grandchildren. This is a sad night for our community. Mrs. Ginger touched so many lives and through this post, I hope one person's experience of her unwavering faith was able to touch yours too!

Religion verses Relationship

I came a across this blog post recently and was a bit enraged. The outcome of this girl's experience with her church is very unfortunate. Her fear of going to Hell if she were to break her pledge to purity made what was supposed to be an intimate and special time with her husband full of disgust.

I don't intend on filling this page with the "sex topic" because I don't think that's the issue here. This is just another tragic outcome of choosing religion over a relationship with Christ. This poor girl thought that her "good deeds" would get her into the Kingdom. Where did people get this idea and why is it accepted by so many?

"We are all infected and impure with sin. When we display our righteous deeds, they are nothing but filthy rags. Like autumn leaves, we wither and fall, and our sins sweep us away like the wind." 64:6

So many times I hear others proclaim they are going to heaven. Their reasoning? "I'm a good person." The above verse states very clearly that "we are all infected and impure with sin." Our sinful thoughts and actions could never out way our "good deeds." Do you feel like you're in trouble? We all are! But don't worry! God fixed that when He sent His son to die for us. Jesus became all of that sin that we are incapable of escaping from and nailed it to the cross. You don't have to say 10 "Hail Mary's," baptize your infants, or stay pure until you're married to get into Heaven. All you have to do is accept what Jesus did for you! Do the rest of those things because you love Him and trust Him with your every life's decision.

"Jesus replied, 'You must love the LORD your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment." Matthew 22:37-38

It makes perfect sense that this would be the greatest commandment. A little perspective: I would do anything for Harrison given the amount of love I have for him. I happily make his supper everyday and make sure that clean clothes is one less thing he has to worry about because it pleases me to please him. And vice versa. Isn't that how is usually is in a marriage? We like to get our spouses or boyfriend's/girlfriend's nice things on special occasions, take them out to dinner, etc right? We don't do these things because it's the bare minimum requirement to keep the relationship going steady. We make these sacrifices willingly because we love that other person. We should do the same thing for or Heavenly Father!

Harrison did a fantastic job sweeping me off my feet back in "the good old days." Even today there are many things that make me fall in love with Him over and over. Usually ;) it's easy to love him. But how much easier is it to love someone who died for you? Please read the gospels and see what a gruesome death Jesus died for you. And because of what was stated above, "we are all infected and impure with sin." In no way shape or form do we deserve what Jesus did for us. I don't take communion because it's another box I have to check off to get across the pearly gates, I do that because I want to remember what was done for me and thank Him for it!

This is why I left the Catholic church when I was 16. I was turning into a robot just like so many others. There were certain medicines I couldn't take, and certain things I couldn't do "because I was Catholic." There was still a giant veil between God and I. When I accepted Christ into my heart, my relationship no longer had to be mediated. Now I don't take certain medicines because I want to avoid creating an idol which is something that would hinder this awesome thing that God and I have going on! Do you see the difference? I enjoy my relationship with God.

I will end with this and here's a little TMI for you. Leaving sex only for my marriage is one of the best decisions Harrison and I have ever made. Yes we were blessed for it but, unlike this poor girl and her church, that's not why we did it! Harrison and I love each other so much that we were willing to do whatever it took to keep our relationship healthy so that we could spend the rest of our lives with one another. The best way to do that was to give our relationship to Christ. God is so faithful and for that we are blessed! Please, this is not a rant, just an opportunity given to me through a blog post to share a little bit more about the awesome relationship you can have with your Creator!

Turn the other cheek?

Conflict. Oh how I loath this word! It's something that terrifies me; makes me want to lock myself in my house and close all of the shades.

When someone tried to contact me to question my blog, I just knew the time had finally come when my straightforward opinions, and the truth of God's word had set another person off.

When my instructor mentions the idea of evolution, or other religions that are so different, standing up next to the bible, and words seemingly blurt out of my mouth all on their own. Because someone has just disrespected the person who died for me. Who died for all of those who disrespect Him.

Conflict has just taken flight and my heart sinks. I don't do well with this word. It literally makes my tummy hurt! Call me a wuss? You bet I am!

I wasn't always like this. As soon as I had learned God's truth, I thought it was so awesome that I couldn't wait for the rest of the world to hear this great news! It wasn't a matter of changing lives for me, it was more of an awareness thing. I thought for sure that if someone was not a believer of Christ, it was only because they didn't comprehend the full extent His glory. So I was ready to help every person I could become exposed to the greatest thing that has ever happened on this Earth: Christ's death and resurrection.

As it turns out, awareness is not the issue. There are many people who are well aware. Trust me! When I saw the rejection again and again, I just knew that person had to be an idiot.

Why would you not want this in your life?  I just showed you just pretty incredible scientific evidence that shuts down any idea that this is bogus. The only other explanation is that you must be stupid. Wow. I'm sorry.

Yes, this was my thought process at just 16 years of age. My excitement and then puzzlement left a lot of people turned off. Can you imagine? I embraced conflict. Not that this was my intent. I just had a lot to learn being a new believer! 

Now here I am at 23 and want to avoid all of what is stated above. I've learned lately that my "avoidance" of conflict is actually biblical. Because the issue is not totally being avoided, it's actually being processed.

There have been several instances in the last couple of years where I have encountered friction with other people. If you haven't found out for yourself yet, anytime there is a big event, exciting or tragic, someone's feelings are going to get hurt. Even during my diagnosis and treatments, there were loved ones who were not pleased with my decisions or my priorities that I work so hard to keep in order. (That being God and my husband. As for the rest, I'll pray about it!)

Through each event I found myself "shutting down" in a sense. Not giving my time and attention to the conflict because that resistance doesn't help anybody. So why get defensive if it's not going to get you anywhere? You see, this is not something done out of hate or bitterness on my end. When I go home and pray for the situation, I'm actually "shutting down" out of love. (Please note the quotations!)

To others it looks as if I intend to hold a grudge or be unforgiving. Let me make a promise to everyone right now. Anytime you decide to withhold forgiveness, you're hurting yourself far more than the other person. I don't want all of that hate in my heart. It doesn't feel good and like I said before, it makes my tummy hurt!

One day it hit me. "Turn the other cheek!" I was stuck in pure amazement the first time I read that verse.

"But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also." Matthew 5:39

It's genius! It takes killing with kindness to an entirely new level! Could you imagine someone's reaction if they slapped you and you kindly responded, "here do the other one too"!? Genius! I was finally reminded of this when I was trying desperately to figure out my approach to conflict.

Turning the other cheek is not instructing you to walk away from the situation writing it off completely, nor does it mean to let someone walk all over you. It's intent is to give the person over to their selfish desires which takes away their control over you. It puts them in a position where they are able reflect on their actions.

And don't be fooled. If you choose to use this for any other reason but love, than you're missing the entire point. So please don't get the idea that revenge is something I look to get out of this.

"Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, "VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY," says the Lord." Romans 12:9

Our desire as Christians should be to bring others to Christ. We should want others to repent from their wrongdoings and accept God's grace. You're prayer should be for your enemie's ultimate outcome to be a relationship with  our Heavenly Father.

"But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you," Matthew 5:44

Here is a video that helped me understand the meaning behind Matthew 5:39. It's very silly but breaks it down well!

God bless :)

What "Turn the other Cheek" really means!!: http://youtu.be/s-_GjIBskYQ

College drop out and productivity all at the same time!

The common question you ask any person is,  "What do you do?" This sends Harrison and I stumbling over our sentences when the question is directed towards me. My occupation at the moment is "student." So an expected follow up for that is, "what are you going for? " or "how much longer do you have?" These are questions that can't be answered at the moment. Dave Ramsey says that when someone uses the explanation,  "I'm just waiting on the Lord." That's just Christian fluff for "lazy. " However,  that's exactly what I'm doing and no that doesn't mean sleeping around the clock.

I have tons of ideas for things that I'm really good at that I could use to serve the Lord. I want to teach biology at a college level, I really want to open up a learning center,  etc. etc. The ideas never stop! My crazy brain overflows with them. There have been scholarships that have opened up for me and job opportunities to get my feet wet and obtain some experience. So when you ask me "what do you do? " The answer is truly, "I don't know" and I really am waiting on the Lord to open that door for me! But in the process,  I'm moving!

I have been taking classes in effort to finish my associates in science degree.  That stepping stone will offer a great foundation for me to take on whatever God has next. I'm working on getting an associates in finance degree as well. It's online and is not accredited, but like my favorite teacher and mentor, Joe Sangl, says, I will have a Masters Degree in my own finances. This is strengthening my marriage and my relationship with God.

Before my treatments, I was a go-gettin', straight-A, student. I could attack any course, take my time learning it from the inside out, chapter by chapter and get an excellent grade. This is where the recent scholarship opportunities came from. I earned them! However, these sweet instructors of mine have failed to notice that I'm not that same student that I was pre-chemo. I have seriously lost my mind and my failure to remember a thing has caused my GPA to plummet. My inability to concentrate has driven me to ask my teachers to cut me some slack. It's frustrating and embarrassing and makes me feel like a total failure. Now, post-chemo, the fatigue is 24/7 and the nausea will hit me like an oncoming train. I've lost over half my weight which makes things like going up the stairs a whole lot easier. What I'm trying to say is,  I look much much better. People expect more from me being that I look so much healthier but the truth is, I'm very unreliable and that's not from a lack of trying.

All that to say, for now, we feel God is closing the door on school. Harrison and I have realized that I am still very much in recovery. It's just not working. Each semester I have had to drop a class to help me manage and I still can't get a grip. I think my brain will return to normal eventually but for now, I need to offer my body something its been deprived of: time to recover. After much prayer and council, this is the decision we have come up with. I'm officially a community college drop out! ... For now at least ;) and like Harrison's favorite song says, "While I'm waiting, I will serve You."

I don't plan on letting myself slip into depression because I won't get off of the couch. I have much to keep me busy with a house, a husband, and a praise team to nourish. I don't feel like I'm falling backwards. I actually feel productive if you can believe that! Any time you stay obedient to God, you are taking steps forward and in the right direction! So you can obtain the title "community college drop out, " and feel totally useful/productive at the same time! Oxymorons like that only come from a devoted relationship with Christ!

With trials, come many blessings!

I realize that it has been a good three months since my last post! Judging by my last few posts, I think it's evident that things in the "Jones' household" have been a little difficult. Harrison and I have been doing a lot of seeking lately, and some changes are underway. I will post about that later when things are a little more concrete but I can confidently say that God is moving. We are just trying to figure out in which direction so that we can follow Him! "Give careful thought to the paths for your feet." Proverbs 4:26 In the meantime, thank you to all of our family and friends for your prayers and wise council. To my P.A. and my Nurse Practitioner at the oncology center, I am so grateful for the wonderful friendship that has come from all of this mess. You may have been hit the worst with all of it so thank you for listening to me whine and run my new "theories" and "diagnoses" by you! ;)

 

To give a short update, there have been awesome things happening in the midst of our trials. I'm very excited about the worship team that we have started with our youth at Northside. We have seen the enemy try to knock us down, and we have seen God defeat. The Blue House Youth is prospering; I'm prospering. This has brought back very sweet memories from my time in Seattle on the worship team with our youth. My voice and skills were challenged and stretched during that time which prepared me for the kids at the Blue House. God strengthened my skill level to create and lead the new Blue House Praise Team! No, I don't take all of the credit for this. I can't take all of the credit for this. I have needed the support that my church family offers to continue this. Realizing that I am still very much in recovery from my treatments, it has taken all of us to make this successful. And as always, the glory goes to God. All of this is of and from Him and it's purpose is to make Him known!

 

Another wonderful thing that has happened over the past few months is the marriage of my beautiful friend Ashby to her very supportive husband Chris. On May 10th we watched God bring these two together. I waited until they returned from their honeymoon to tell Ashby that this time was such a blessing for me! I waited of course because that day; their special day was not about me!

 

After the rehearsal, we went to their family's cabin for the dinner. It was a joy to spend time and catch up with her side of the family and share stories from when we were younger. Harrison and I were so blessed to take their hands and pray over them and their soon-to-be marriage. He and I prayed for them on our own, yes, but it was a privilege to do this with the two of them just hours before the big day. The praying continued throughout the night. Ashby's family joined us while her dad prayed for his baby girl. The fathers came together to hold hands and bow their heads together with Chris. Somehow Harrison wiggled his way into that one too... In mid prayer! But hey, the spirit wad moving! What a beautiful and glorious time this was. Watching my best friend make the decision to put God first in her life and in her marriage was momentous. I left this occasion spiritually lifted. How could you not!

 

 

Ashby, you were beautiful on your wedding day. And if the look on Chris' face when he saw you for the first time is the only thing that you remember from that day... The look on his face, Ashby! Such a perfect moment. I am sorry that your mom did not have the privilege of meeting this wonderful man who loves you so much. I am grateful that we were able to honor her that day and, at the time, a little jealous that she was smiling up in heaven while we everyone else was so stressed out! ;) My friend, she would have been so proud!

 

I hate using the "cancer card," but I can certainly blame my health for the little things I missed out on leading up to this event. The nausea, fatigue, and this new found forgetfulness has been a kick in the pants, but the things I got to be apart of that day made up for all of it! I was able to give them the greatest thing I had to offer on their wedding day, that being my musical talents. "Taylor, please sing in our wedding. That song is perfect and you on the guitar was our thing when we were growing up. I want to make that apart of my wedding." The following Sunday, I shared this time with our church by playing and singing the same song that I sang for my best friend as she united her life with God and her husband. As you can tell from this post and previous posts, this person is very special to me. Ashby, thank you for allowing me to be apart of this time!

The last big thing that has happened was my sister's first father's day without her dad. Amy went to D.C. to spend the weekend with our grandpa and participate on a walk for prostate cancer in honor of her daddy. I am very proud of her! My plans for honoring the man that raised me didn't go as smoothly! Harrison and I spent Father's Day weekend with his family at Folly Beach. You have probably heard me share some of my favorite memories from Edisto Beach as a child. Amy and I spent every 4th of July their with our family and were there every other chance we got! Glen made sure to make being at that place a tradition for us. He loved the beach. So I found it special that I got to spend my father's day in a place that brought him so much joy and peace.

I wear my favorite hat and sunglasses all the time. So much, that I forget their sentiment. While at the beach, we were enjoying the feel of the ocean and playing in the waves. I probably shouldn't have been wearing that particular hat or those sunglasses while the water was so rough. I didn't realize that until a wave took me out and off went my two treasured sentiments. I began to panic. "The hat! I need that hat!" Somehow, and I mean by an act of God, we saved the hat. Sadly the sunglasses were gone.

 

The sunglasses were a gift from Glen and Patsy given to me on my 19th birthday, and the hat on my16th. I discovered my love for the south as my teenage years peaked. I remember telling him "anything Carolina!" when he asked me what I wanted that year. I got beach towels, a beach bag, and two custom made hats. Everything had palm trees on it with the famous crescent moon. "G.R.I.T.S" was monogrammed on the side to add a special touch. "Girls Raised In The South." The beach bag and the towels are now worn but I didn't get much use of the hats until my diagnosis. With my moon face, the white "G.R.I.T.S" hat was the only thing I was comfortable wearing. I tried on a million other hats, and none of them fit right. I wore that one everyday! I took the loss of my sunglasses surprisingly well. Probably because they are buried in his favorite place and I still have the item that gave me comfort during my fight with the disease that we both battled.

 

I had one more thing that I wanted to do on that day. I wanted some sort of a keepsake. Trying to figure out what the perfect purchase would be, I remembered a plant that my mother in law has in her house. The plant's name is "Rusty" after her sister in law's brother who passed away in a plane crash a few years ago. She gave me some Cali lilies and I went on a hunt for the perfect pot. Of course I found a garnet one! One day these lilies will become a garden as I collect more plants over the next several years on every Father's Day. We will name this garden "granddaddy" so that one day, as we water and tend to "granddaddy," our children have something tangible to help remind them and honor the man to who raised me and loved my sister unconditionally.

 

There were many people who tip toed around me during this time. Yes, it was difficult. I miss him very much and worry myself sick over Amy, but I am also so blessed to have my Father in law and my dad! No need to tip toe, I am blessed! With both of my parent's remarriages along with my own marriage, I have so much family! There is so much love and so much support. Thank you to Bing for treating me and making me feel like your own. And a huge thank you to my dad. You have always been everything I needed you to be. You know the extent of what that means ;)

Dearest Paisley

My sweet Paisley. Today we celebrate your life. One year ago, you surprised us all and came a little early! But that suited us all fine because we were so ready to meet you!

 

My baby girl, you will never fully comprehend the impact that you have had on my life. God placed you in your mommy's tummy at His perfect timing. The day you became a thought in our minds, was the same day that Aunt-T and Uncle Harry found out some scary news. For the next nine months, you and I took on a journey where God performed many miracles!

 

I think you were excited to meet all of us too! Your mommy was at the doctor's many times trying to slow you down! You needed to grow a little more in order to enter the world safely. In preparation for your too-soon arrival, the doctors put you on steroids to help your little lungs get strong enough so that you could take in this big world with your first breath. My doctors put me on steroids for my lungs too :) you and I were getting stronger and stronger at the same time so that we could survive. My lungs needed help for a different reason than yours though, my darling. For a reason you can't understand now, but just know that what God put me through made me strong enough to take in this big world too! Our medicine that made our lungs all better, also made me one of your favorite snuggle buddies ;) there was a whole lot more of Aunt-T one year ago!

 

The day you entered the world finally came and I could not wait to meet you! Na and Carson came to pick me up and the first thing your silly brother said to me was, "wow, you're getting chubby!" Little did he know that you too were going to be chubby! Which made for the best naps you and I had together.

 

Sweetheart, I tried to be there for your big debut but Na had to turn around and take me home. The medicines the doctors gave me just the day before, made me too sick for the hospital. But when I finally met you, you took a weight off of my emotions and sickness. Every time I got to hold your tiny fingers and tiny toes and watch you struggle to open up those big brown eyes, my heart would burst with all the love I had for you.

 

There was some more medicine that the doctors gave me that left me without any hair. I was very sad to look so different but soon enough it started to grow back very slowly. Your precious little head has been very slowly filling up with beautiful locks now too. I didn't like not having any hair, but thanks to you my precious angel, I haven't been alone ;)

 

My sweet girl, I had to say goodbye to my daddy a few days ago. My heart fell to pieces, but God had his timing right again. During the same time that we are grieving for one, we are celebrating for another! The day that he left this world, I got to come home and hold you. Once again you gave me so much peace and happiness during a difficult time.

 

Dearest Paisley, your life has been a blessing to so many that love you. I'm so happy that God chose me to be one who gets to look after you. And I thank Him for how He has blessed me with you.

 

I will continue to pray for your little life everyday. You have so much ahead of you, sweet girl. And your Aunt-T and Uncle Harry will be right there with you every step of the way. We will help you learn and grow and seek to follow Jesus. We will help you take on this big world with God's love and protection. We love you to pieces, Paisley. Happy first birthday!

 

The Full Dose

"I work all day, and then I have to come home and take care of a messy house." I could tell he was frustrated. The coffee pot was still in my hand and a towel in the other. I was trying my best to stay on my feet long enough to finish drying the dishes Harrison was washing by hand. My back couldn't take it any longer and neither could my patience. "What's wrong?" He asked. I shook my head as tears welted up in my eyes. I slammed the coffee pot in the coffee maker and walked back to the bedroom where I buried my head in the towel to catch my tears.

This was just a few weeks before my chest x-ray that would reveal the grapefruit sized tumor inside my chest. Not only was this thing literally sucking the life out of me, it was also in the perfect location to affect a number of my body systems. The ongoing symptoms were debilitating. Clearly my lack of energy and constant pain was beginning to take its toll on my two month old marriage. I was twenty-one for crying out loud! What twenty-one year old can't physically sweep the floors and wash dishes? There's a term for that: lazy. Which is exactly what I looked like to Harrison.

We watched a play in class this morning that stimulated numerous flashbacks. It's been interesting watching my emotions change towards different challenges during my time as a cancer patient. The first one was obviously total frustration stemming from, "what is wrong with me!?" 

It then turned to a short moment of fear when "cancer" was the word we knew about my two years of odd symptoms. Once we were well into fighting mode, my emotions turned to humiliation. My looks had changed drastically. People no longer recognized me. Yes, I cried over my looks a lot! Then just minutes after my last treatment, my guard came crashing down without warning. That part of the fight was over. I didn't have to play "tough guy" anymore. I was a wreck!

A lot hit me during those nine long months but never once did I think, "How awful. Oh my gosh! How scary!" No, I never thought those things. Not even with chemo, balding, bone marrow biopsy, bone biopsy, surgeries, etc. Those things never "shook me." Not until this morning.

This morning I thought all of those things as I watched the story of a women who was diagnosed, tested, and treated for cancer. I felt terrible for her! What a horrible thing to be faced with! But everything she went through, was everything I went through. The words from her doctors, were the same words that came from my doctors. I was feeling that way about myself. 

"If the nurse tells you your counts are too low for your treatment, you tell them to call me. You have to get the full dose every two weeks. We have to be very aggressive and totally consistent." My oncologist told me. And my response: "ok!" With determination written on my face and of course a smile. And no I wasn't trying to hide anything with my smile either. I was just ready to feel better and glorify God in the process.

I flashed back to that moment every time the main character's doctor said to her, "The full dose!" He continued to say this throughout the entire play. It reminded me of what put me on those steroids in the first place: chemo had to damage my lungs before they would lower my dose... The full dose. I was holding back tears, adjusting in my seat, and taking giant gulps of my coffee in an attempt to snap out of it. But they wouldn't stop. The flashbacks persisted.

The main character was dry heaving into a basin, and immediately I saw myself walking back to my chair, IV pole in hand, watching Harrison get up to plug my machine back in. "No stay there." I said to him. "Can I just sit in your lap?" With worried eyes, he sat back down and helped me into his lap. I buried my head in his chest and cried. "I don't feel good! I just want to throw up!" Then I saw my mom come in. I see now that couldn't have been a coincidence. I wonder what God was doing right there...

What I went through was huge. It took having to watch my experience being played out on a tv screen to realize that. I don't know if my emotions will transition into anything else pertaining to my situation. I certainly hope not! But that's up to God. And don't get me wrong, there was nothing bad about what I experienced today. I think this moment came a little late actually. Being aware of the extent of my situation will better help me to empathize with others and sympathize with friends and family. It gives me a heart rather than a stone cold demeanor towards real life situations.

Needless to say, I emailed my professor letting him know I won't be returning to class on Thursday to finish watching the play. I'd like to work out this reality without a room full of people ;)