Thank you Kennedy, And thank you God!

I was ready. When I heard the word, "lymphoma" I didn't even flinch. Don't get me wrong, it was hard and there were days where I felt like I couldn't do it anymore, but that's how trials are! For the most part however, I was a warrior. I know God won't give you more than you can handle and He gave me exactly the right dose of tribulation. Just enough to bend me, not quite enough to break me.

For whatever reason, after falling in love with Harrison, I have had a terrible fear of losing him. I was 19 years old and stressing out every time my boyfriend went out of town. What if he gets into an accident? I couldn't live without him. That's just nuts! You're not supposed to live in that and dwell in that. Especially not at 19!

That fear became real for me days after my diagnosis. Harrison and I held each other and cried all night long. He refused to get up from the couch with me when it was time for bed. "Let's just stay here a little while longer." He would say, "We can be closer here." We didn't know how much time we had left with each other. But once the doctors assured us that the treatments would work quickly and effectively, it was war time! And we fought through.

I was in the car a couple of months ago listening to a new song that I'm obsessed with! I was soaking up the lyrics and praising God for what He did in our lives through my battle.

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior"

These words describe perfectly what God put us through. As I continued to worship, that daunting fear took over my thoughts again: what if something were to happen to one of us? I began to pray and plead that God would get rid of those horrid thoughts and the pain that came along with them. "Why am I dwelling on something like this? This is so unhealthy!"

All of a sudden I felt a calm and then I felt God speaking to me. "I already saved you. Wasn't that enough? I put you through a life threatening situation and I saved you. Did that not show you?" Feeling relieved,  I quickly changed the station and praised Him all the way home! "You are so right!" I thought. Isn't he always though?

Some of you may be familiar with Kennedy Branham, the 14 year old girl who just recently lost her fight with brain cancer. Harrison and I watched her story on the news last night and instantly fell in love with this young girls heart as we listened to her loved ones talk about her. This girl's only focus was to use her tragedy to share Jesus with others. Always smiling and not once asking God, "why?" As I watched a clip of her, having completely changed in appearance due to all of her medication, smiling as she hugged and thank someone, I felt God speak to me again. "I gave that to her, I didn't give that to you. She could handle it, you could not. I will never give you more than you can handle."

I know that sweet girl touched so many lives, teaching others about the peace we can have through a relationship with Christ. God used her life to teach me something too. Thank you Kennedy and thank you God!

Response to the Robertson's

Yes, I'm doing it. Joining in on the commodity of all the reporters, bloggers and irate Facebook sharers on Phil Robertson's dilemma. Is it really a dilemma though? I believe otherwise.

Just like when studying the bible, if you focus too closely on all of the nitty gritty details, you will miss the entire point; the moral of the story. I have written about this in previous posts. In the midst of my sinful nature I will go ahead and admit that I am so tired of all the picking and pulling apart of every little word that was said during his interview. Quoting every small detail of his words, the amendments, and even Miley Cyrus for crying out loud! But in the midst of all of the commotion, I think God has done a very clever thing here! I mean He is pretty smart, right?

Whether what Phil said was pushing the envelope or not, who cares! Look at all of the attention this family has gotten! All of America typing Phil Robertson's name into Google, and youtube in hopes of hearing what he has to say for himself.

I've looked up his name on those sites many times myself. Not to catch up on the latest gossip, but to listen to his sermons. America is "googling" the name of the man who has made some of the most incredible points I've ever heard.

The only thing that man and his family hope for is to spread the good news of Jesus Christ. I think God has answered their prayers. I doubt it was the way they were expecting, but God has put them all in a position where our nation is listening to what they have to say. Their voices are being heard!

I say something often that I never thought I would ever say: "God, thank you for blessing me with cancer." Sounds crazy right? But God answered my prayers during that difficult trial as well: He has made it way easy for me to share Him with others. After sharing my "Mary and Martha story" with my pastor, in response to my  joke, "I didn't literally mean it when I asked God to use me to speak to others!" he said, "No, you just didn't know what you were asking for."

As I have seen Him do it many times in my life, I believe when you put your hopes and dreams in the hands of the creator, He's going to give them back to you bigger and better than anything you could have ever planned out for yourself. I know He has done the same for this God fearing family.

Mary and Martha

The past 48 hours have been stressful and sleepless. I did very little over thanksgiving break after my surgery and it dawned on me just how much schoolwork I didn't get done come Sunday night. My "study buddy" and precious friend, Jeanette, is in the same boat!

We decided to meet at the library on Monday to knock out some studying. Bad idea! I've mentioned before that she and I don't do anything but talk when we get together. And talking, we did!

We have always felt strangely comfortable with one another to share what's on our minds and on our hearts. She has been going through some extremely difficult struggles and has fallen on hard times. I just let her talk it out. Soon enough some of her old skeletons fell out of the closet, and I watched her fall apart before my very eyes as she relived a traumatizing event. So much for studying! However, I'm glad God chose me to be the one to help comfort her.

Tonight it was time to get back to it! We both had specific things we needed each other's help with for our upcoming test. After my night class, I went straight to her house to tie up some loose ends on the studying. "Ok, I have enough time to clean up before you get here so your timing is perfect!" She told me in a text. "You do not have to clean for me! The only reason my house is so spotless is because Harrison is a neat freak!" But sure enough, as soon as I walked through the door, the smell of cleaning products smacked me right in the face!

We sat down to study and got off topic before we even started! Talking in disbelief about the evolutionary processes that we were trying to cram in our brains for the test. The bible opened up before the biology book did! I have so enjoyed these conversations with her. We finally got on track and hit the books.

Before I knew it, it was 2am. "Oh my goodness I need to get home!" Our conversation went down another rabid trail as I was packing up my things. This time we got onto another blood boiling subject: her previous religion. She was shooting out bible verses that eliminate any possibility of her former beliefs to be true. She was going on and on and all of a sudden, I totally zoned out of the conversation. I looked at her and saw this girl who had been so worn down. Tired and broken. But then I was reminded of the mind blowing thoughts, epiphanies, and revelations that she has come up with so early in her faith and with nothing but prayer and God's word to guide her. She was learning things that took me years to figure out after numerous explanations from my dad, my youth leader, and my pastors. In the midst of all of her struggles and hardships, I saw this woman who was so bright and so intelligent. "This isn't her. She's not going to be stuck in this rut. She's so smart and so above all of this. She's going to be just fine and she is going to do amazing things. If she just put every ounce of trust and gave everything she had to God, Oh my goodness, He is going to richly bless her!" These thoughts were swarming my head as she continued to ramble. And then I heard a voice, "Tell her."

My head became light, almost as if I was going to faint. My stomach was exploding with butterflies. "Tell her!" The voice got louder. "Taylor, tell her!"

She was so caught up in what she was talking about and I was completely gone from the conversation. I didn't want to cut her off so I began to pray for her. Repeating all of the thoughts that just flew into my mind about this girl. The butterflies were unreal and then I felt them start to drift away. I tuned back into the conversation. "This is so insignificant. Why are we talking about this?" I thought to myself, but now I knew, it wasn't me thinking this. Jesus was talking directly at me and Jeanette came to an end with her speech.

"I have to tell you something." I started. "I feel so light headed and my stomach is swarming with butterflies. Nothing like this has ever happened to me before." The look on her face changed completely. "I have to tell you that you're going to be ok. You are so smart and you are so above this." I said.  All of a sudden we were crying. Why was I crying? Not that I don't enjoy and care for her, but I don't have much to do with her situation. Then I continued,  "Put all of your faith and trust in God and you will do great things. And don't dwell on this stuff; these other religions. Focus on what is." I told her. All of a sudden the butterflies left my stomach and heart felt like it bursted right out of my chest.

"Taylor, did you just feel that?" Jeanette said. "My heart just felt so heavy, but open at the same time time." She cried.  "Yes, I felt it." How did she know to ask me that? What would  make her think that I was experiencing the same physical feelings? "When you said you were light headed and your stomach... I was feeling the exact same way!" She continued. "Taylor, your eyes got so big when you started talking to me. Your pupils were so dilated." She then reminded me of the story she told me in the library. "Every stranger who went out of there way to help me that day, they had these big blue eyes. I didn't get it at the time but then I saw your blue eyes get so big and it all made sense. It was Jesus!" She exclaimed. This reminded me of how the little boy in the book, "Heaven is for real" described what Jesus looked like. He couldn't stop talking about His eyes; His big sea blue eyes!

"Nothing like this has ever happened to me before. This is just crazy!" I told her. She then told me of a bible story she was reminded of. "You know that story about the two sisters who had Jesus over at their house? One of them was cleaning and cooking and told Jesus that her sister needed to be doing the same thing for Him?" She asked. I wasn't familiar so she went on to explain "Jesus told her to stop and that she should be doing what her sister was. Taylor, I was cleaning like a mad woman before you got here but then I felt God telling me to just calm down. I get it now. Jesus was here! Oh my gosh, He lives. Jesus lives!" Everything she was shouting was so biblical.

This is the craziest thing that has ever happened to me. I have been asking and praying that God would use me to speak to others for His glory. I didn't mean that literally! What an awesome answer to prayer!

I went home and found the story she was talking about. I think she and I both took on the roles of Mary and Martha!

Luke 10:38-42
New International Version (NIV)
At the Home of Martha and Mary

38 As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. 39 She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. 40 But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”

41 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, 42 but few things are needed—or indeed only one.[a] Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

Jesus and Makeup

Today was a momentous occasion. I got my port taken out! We had bible study tonight (which I refused to cancel. I wanted my friends with me during this time). Ashby's first words: "Tell me all about it! How do you feel? Physically? Emotionally?"

"It's over. The one thing that kept me emotionally tied down to the category 'cancer patient' is out of me. I feel normal again." I responded

Not only was this the reason it was such an important day, but we also had a huge opportunity to impact the lives of others as we were able to freely talk about our journey this past year; Sharing with doctors and nurses what God did in our lives. I was asking for many prayers today. Not because I was nervous, or worried about complications or infections, but because we wanted God to be glorified during our time at the hospital. And boy was He!

I had a couple of nurses come in and ask me questions about my medical history. One of them mentioned that she worked in the oncology center for years and actually knew my oncologist!

Then it was time for the anesthesiologist to come in and ask me the same questions. (The most expensive 2 minute conversation you will ever have!) After he left, the same nurse came in and leaned over my bedside. "I had to text him before he came in and just tell him that you are absolutely radiant. Something about you is glowing. I don't know if it's your skin or..." I chuckled and thanked her, "Makeup helps!" I told her. "You were obviously faced with this and accepted it and got through it." She responded.

This is all to say that God answered "yes" to our prayers! We asked that He would be glorified and that others would see Him in us and it is clear that they did! Everything that woman described... None of it was me. Only Jesus can make me look that good! And makeup ;) Harrison and I were only able to get through such a terrifying situation because we were getting our strength from a very mighty God.. The creator of the universe!

Harrison and I were waiting in the surgery prep area for hours. The person in surgery before me ended up having some complications, so we had to wait. As anxious as this made me, it allowed us to have more time to meet and impact more people. God's timing is always perfect!

Finally Doctor Taber entered our room. The last time he saw me, I was riddled with cancer, skinny as a bean pole, and sick as a dog. Today, I was cancer free and very healthy! As always I was a little embarrassed by the significant weight gain, but I was excited for him to see my 100% turn around. And he was too!

He took one look at the scar located above my port and said, "Oh yeah, we can tighten that up and it will heal much better." Score! No more giant red line across my chest? That was great news!

Finally, it was time for my relaxation medicine (the best part!) and a quick kiss goodbye from Harrison. They wheeled me back to the OR and started prepping me for surgery. The anesthesia started kicking in while the nurses were getting me all tucked in. "I'm sorry I know this is cold." They kept saying. "Listen lady, I feel great!" I said. "Well just close those eyes." She chuckled.

The next thing I knew, I was in the recovery room. "I don't feel sick, this incision doesn't hurt, and I'm totally alert." I thought. "Is it gone? I better check" I said to myself. I looked down. "No bruising!? My last two surgeries left nasty bruises. This thing looks great!" I continued. Then I felt. "It is gone!" I started trying out positions that normally would be uncomfortable due to the port. And... Nothing! I felt nothing! What a wonderful feeling...

Next they took me back to get dressed. Last time, I was so out of it that the nurse had to do this for me. Not this time! I got up, told the nurse "thanks, but no thanks," grabbed my clothes, and dressed myself! A big thanks to everyone who kept me in their prayers. God answered "yes!"

Before discharge, I handed the nurse a few cards with my blog site on them and made sure that she gave one to the sweet lady who had such nice things to say about me.

Matthew 13: 3-9

^"3 Then he told them many things in parables, saying: “A farmer went out to sow his seed. ⁴ As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. ⁵ Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. ⁶ But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. ⁷ Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants. ⁸ Still other seed fell on good soil, where it produced a crop—a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown. ⁹ Whoever has ears, let them hear.”

Will you all continue to join us in prayer as we pray for the hearts of our witnesses today? We will be praying that a seed was planted on good soil! I hope He says "Yes" to that too :)

We went into overtime, and God won.

I remember when I lived with my parents in Seattle, we had a night at youth group where we shared what God was doing in our lives. The lights were dimmed and there was pretty music in the background. God always moves of course, but that night He moved! I guess what is so awesome about it, is that it was an experience I shared with my closest friends. He was touching all of our hearts the same way.

We we're always very close as a group, sometimes in ways that would disgust most. For instance, if one of us had Starbucks at church and the person at the end of the row wanted a sip, we would each take a swig as we passed it down and then do the same as we passed it back. Talk about church family! But, hey,  we were also teenagers.

When we would sing together on Thursday night's, there wasn't a group of us on stage that were better than everyone else because we were musically talented. No, we were worshiping and praising God! Sometimes we would all get up and sit in a group on the stage, including the singers, and worship while we held onto one another. We would also sit together like this on night's when we shared with one another what God was doing in our lives. I remember when I got home from that particular night, I just didn't want it to end! I looked up the same song that was playing in the background on the internet and played it in repeat until I fell asleep. I slept on the couch that night so I could listen to it and continue to pray.

I never thought I would have anything like that again after I moved back to South Carolina, but I'm having one of those night's again tonight. I am I'm awe of how God moved this morning in church. This morning was the first time in a long time that I felt that same unity with my brothers and sisters in Christ, and we didn't even have to swap spit drinking after each other!

There is a girl in my class who has pulled on my heartstrings since the day she said me, "I've been struggling with so many things but when I saw your scar, I knew what I'm going through doesn't compare to what you have probably been through with your health."

We have gotten together on several occasions to study and have seriously failed each time. We always get so caught up in conversation. Her curiosity for Jesus was exciting and we would end up talking for hours about it. This has gotten me a parking ticket and B on my last test! But every moment has been worth it. I finally invited her to our church, not expecting her to come, but she did this morning!

Today was a perfect day for her to come because we had a worship team visiting who were awesome! Kim and Rance were there also which made me feel better having some people our age welcome her to the church.

The worship was beautiful and Pastor Shane's message was powerful. Before we stood up for the time of invitation I explained to her, "This is a time where you can go down and have Pastor Shane pray for you to receive salvation. No pressure whatsoever, I just wanted you to know that's what this time is for." We didn't even get to the chorus of the song and she was a blubbering mess! 

Thankful that I sat at the end of the row, I had Kim take my place comforting her while I frantically dug the tissues out of my purse. I had to get one for myself too... darn hormones!

Before I knew it, she went downstairs. I gave her a minute before I followed her down to check on her. There she was, "Where in the world is there a bathroom in this place!" She laughed. I didn't want to push her, I just asked her what was going on. "My family will be so upset with me if I do this." She confessed. "Jesus said, 'they will hate you because they hated me first.' But I promise there is nothing better and more comforting than letting Jesus have your life. Are you ready?" With a quick nod, we opened the door into the sanctuary.

Uh oh, the invitation song is over but at least they sang one more for a love offering. A buddy from Harrison's work was at the door. "Is everything ok?" He asked. "We need Shane." I whispered. He pointed him out and we walked down the isle together to get him. He immediately stood up to embrace her. She fell apart, and so did I! Stupid hormones! " She's ready." I told him.

Instead of praying with her right then and there like I had expected, he grabbed the youth pastor and his wife to take her into another room. I am so appreciative that he took the time to explain to her what it means to be saved so she could make an educated decision. He explained to her that we, as humans, deserve to be punished and we deserve to go to hell due to our sins. But Jesus took care of that for us when He died on the cross. After that, my sweet friend prayed a prayer that forever changed her.

"The bible says that the angels rejoice when someone gives their life to Christ." I told her. "That's right." Chase said. "They're rejoicing for you right now." He told her.

What a beautiful day in the midst of God's works with my church family there to support and be there for my new friend. I didn't want it to end! 30 Minutes before evening service started I said to Harrison, who was exhausted from working long hours day and night all weekend, "I'm still so pumped. I'm sorry, I'm leaving you to go back to church." I told him.

At church there was another beautiful message, as always, but I loved one thing Shane said during his sermon. "We had to go into overtime today, and we won! God won! Someone got saved today!" That's right. I explained to Harrison that if it wasn't for that extra song and those rare few minutes, we would have missed it. But even still, Northside sacrificed beating the Methodist to the buffet and went into overtime for my friend.

I still don't want this day to be over. Just like when I was 16 on the couch, in the basement at my parents house in Seattle, I've got this one song on repeat and I'm going to praise Him until I fall asleep.

Not your typical bad haircut

"I'm done being humble! I don't want to be like this anymore! Why do I have to continue this?" These are the words I shouted out at God on my drive home from the hair salon.

My hair has just very recently been at a length that allows me to do things I used to take for granted. I could tuck it behind my ears and use bobby pins! My favorite thing is when it got in Harrison's face when we snuggled. I loved it when he had to run his fingers through my hair to get it out of his way. " What an awesome problem to have! " I joked.

Now I was ready for a "big girl haircut." "There's finally enough to get it styled!" I was grinning from ear to ear the entire drive to the salon.

Last weekend I went to the mall to get some makeup and met the sweetest girl in the process. She made me feel confident and pretty. I never realized how important it is to feel good about yourself. It gives you motivation to fight through the treatments, and a drive for me to share my story with others. Because it really isn't my story, it's God's and it's my job to share Him with the world. Now that I think about it, He's made that very easy for me to do!

I decided to park all the way on the opposite side of the mall so I could walk through the makeup department. I forgot to give her my blog site! Luckily I found her, handed her a few cards and started for the salon. "I'll have a chance to give out more of my cards when I get my haircut!" I was having a great day.

When I got there I showed the girl a picture of what I wanted. "Do i have enough hair to do this?" I asked, worrying what her answer might be. "Definitely! This is going to look so cool!" She told me, and we proceeded to the sink so she could wash it! It's been a year since I've had to have my hair washed before the cut. Mandy always  squirts a little water on it and it's drenched. Not this time! I'm feeling like a new woman this time.

I sat down and she began snipping. I started to feel like she was getting a little carried away. "Calm down Taylor, she knows what she's doing." I thought to myself. When she turned my chair around for the big reveal, what in the mirror looked nothing like the picture I showed her. It was everything I could do to hold back tears. "No no no, there's nothing to tuck behind my ears! My bangs. My bangs are gone! It took almost a year for me to get those back and now they're gone!" I thought, trying not let it show on my face.

I had to pay and get out quick. "Thank goodness I decided to wear a hat today." I thought as I put it on the second I was out of sight from the salon. I rushed across the mall trying not let my emotions spill over. I avoided the makeup place. "I have to avoid that girl. If anyone takes notice of this haircut I'm guaranteed to explode with tears."

I barely made it to my car all in one piece. I fell apart the second I shut the door. I understand that this sounds dramatic but this is not just a typical bad haircut for me. No, for me this is ten steps back in the cancer recovery process. I have to start all over again growing my hair out.

God never let's things happen without reason, even little things like a bad haircut. "Why! Why do I have to look like a cancer patient for a few more months? I was there! I was finally there! I looked like my old self again. Why did you take that from me!" I shouted at God. Then Christian radio came in and saved the day again.

"When I fix my eyes on all that You are Then every doubt I feel Deep in my heart Grows strangely dim"

I don't know God's reason for keeping me in this state, but the only way I'm going to get through it is to fix my eyes on Him. Talk to Him, read about Him in His word, and worship and praise Him. I know that nothing else matters when I bury myself in His love. So I got my phone out, pulled that song up on youtube and listened to repeatedly all the way home. "All my worries fade And fall to the ground Cause when I seek Your face And don't look around Any place I'm in Grows strangely dim."

Ashby's step mom was in town that night and we were meeting them for supper. I forewarned her with a text before we got there, "don't say anything about my hair. If you draw attention, I will cry." My best friend's response: "Love you no matter what. I don't look at you for your hair." I needed to hear that and I needed the time we had that night. It was so good to see Allie and share memories across the table of stories from with Ashby and I were little.

When we got to Ashby's house, I pulled her aside and took off my hat revealing my haircut. "God needs you to look like this for a little while longer. He's not done with you yet." She told me. I'm so thankful for her. If the girl who cut my hair ever gets ahold of this blog, I hope she knows that God used her too. I'm surprised at the amount of people that ask me about my short hair. It opens up the door to share what God did in my life. Our church motto is,  "Doing whatever it takes to share Jesus." Even if I have to go a few more months with hardly any hair, if it's an opportunity to share Jesus, I'm in!

Is our bible still accurate?

I feel that I need to share what has contributed to making my faith as strong as it is because many people are very curious. There are two main things in particular. I have already posted one about my sister previously titled, "God hears, isn't that miraculous?" Well here I want to talk about the next one:  How the bible was written... Such an amazing story!

The bible is composed of 66 books, with over 40 different authors, and written over a span of 1600  years. And then when the story for put together something  amazing happens:   they flowed,  coming together creating a beautiful story.

Something I forgot to mention about all of these different authors: none of them knew each other. most of them even lived in different life times.  remember what I said? The part about the  1600 years?

The point I'm trying to make is this: That is an impossible thing to take place! How can 40-something "Joe Blows" write ONE story without coordinating with one another? This is one of the reasons why I believe that the bible is true and why I feel the need to live by it and do what it says.

I know one of the main arguments out there that people lean on and depend on is, " there are so many different versions of the Bible out there, it's not accurate anymore, blah blah blah blah "

I have done quite a bit of research on this and even took a course on the subject. I read somewhere that the Bible has been kept more accurate than Aristotle's writings. What! Another argument that a lot of people have is how the bible was passed down orally for a long period of time. That right there is enough for someone to say, "Forget it. There is no way it can be accurate through all of that!" But you have to understand the culture at that time. It was very strict. Parents would have their kids recite things everyday, making sure they had it perfectly memorized and engrained in their memory. Now, if it was our culture today passing down stories orally, then you really can forget it! But would you have a problem if everything was passed on electronically our day and age? Of course not! That's how we operate. And that's how they operated back then: passing things down through memory by being strictly enforced to do so. You have to understand what the culture is like during it's time.

The most important thing aside from all of the facts is the God we have. Our God is big. I have seen the miracles that he is performed in my life and in the lives of others. I know that he created the world in just 6 days and only by the breath of his mouth. I watched my lymphoma MELT AWYAY. Remember, this is the God who closed the mouths of lions, and parted the Red Sea. He allowed Sarah to concieve long after her "child bearing" years were over. How hard is it then for our God to keep His hand on His word, making sure that it remains unchanged?