Jesus and Makeup

Today was a momentous occasion. I got my port taken out! We had bible study tonight (which I refused to cancel. I wanted my friends with me during this time). Ashby's first words: "Tell me all about it! How do you feel? Physically? Emotionally?"

"It's over. The one thing that kept me emotionally tied down to the category 'cancer patient' is out of me. I feel normal again." I responded

Not only was this the reason it was such an important day, but we also had a huge opportunity to impact the lives of others as we were able to freely talk about our journey this past year; Sharing with doctors and nurses what God did in our lives. I was asking for many prayers today. Not because I was nervous, or worried about complications or infections, but because we wanted God to be glorified during our time at the hospital. And boy was He!

I had a couple of nurses come in and ask me questions about my medical history. One of them mentioned that she worked in the oncology center for years and actually knew my oncologist!

Then it was time for the anesthesiologist to come in and ask me the same questions. (The most expensive 2 minute conversation you will ever have!) After he left, the same nurse came in and leaned over my bedside. "I had to text him before he came in and just tell him that you are absolutely radiant. Something about you is glowing. I don't know if it's your skin or..." I chuckled and thanked her, "Makeup helps!" I told her. "You were obviously faced with this and accepted it and got through it." She responded.

This is all to say that God answered "yes" to our prayers! We asked that He would be glorified and that others would see Him in us and it is clear that they did! Everything that woman described... None of it was me. Only Jesus can make me look that good! And makeup ;) Harrison and I were only able to get through such a terrifying situation because we were getting our strength from a very mighty God.. The creator of the universe!

Harrison and I were waiting in the surgery prep area for hours. The person in surgery before me ended up having some complications, so we had to wait. As anxious as this made me, it allowed us to have more time to meet and impact more people. God's timing is always perfect!

Finally Doctor Taber entered our room. The last time he saw me, I was riddled with cancer, skinny as a bean pole, and sick as a dog. Today, I was cancer free and very healthy! As always I was a little embarrassed by the significant weight gain, but I was excited for him to see my 100% turn around. And he was too!

He took one look at the scar located above my port and said, "Oh yeah, we can tighten that up and it will heal much better." Score! No more giant red line across my chest? That was great news!

Finally, it was time for my relaxation medicine (the best part!) and a quick kiss goodbye from Harrison. They wheeled me back to the OR and started prepping me for surgery. The anesthesia started kicking in while the nurses were getting me all tucked in. "I'm sorry I know this is cold." They kept saying. "Listen lady, I feel great!" I said. "Well just close those eyes." She chuckled.

The next thing I knew, I was in the recovery room. "I don't feel sick, this incision doesn't hurt, and I'm totally alert." I thought. "Is it gone? I better check" I said to myself. I looked down. "No bruising!? My last two surgeries left nasty bruises. This thing looks great!" I continued. Then I felt. "It is gone!" I started trying out positions that normally would be uncomfortable due to the port. And... Nothing! I felt nothing! What a wonderful feeling...

Next they took me back to get dressed. Last time, I was so out of it that the nurse had to do this for me. Not this time! I got up, told the nurse "thanks, but no thanks," grabbed my clothes, and dressed myself! A big thanks to everyone who kept me in their prayers. God answered "yes!"

Before discharge, I handed the nurse a few cards with my blog site on them and made sure that she gave one to the sweet lady who had such nice things to say about me.

Matthew 13: 3-9

^"3 Then he told them many things in parables, saying: “A farmer went out to sow his seed. ⁴ As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. ⁵ Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. ⁶ But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. ⁷ Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants. ⁸ Still other seed fell on good soil, where it produced a crop—a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown. ⁹ Whoever has ears, let them hear.”

Will you all continue to join us in prayer as we pray for the hearts of our witnesses today? We will be praying that a seed was planted on good soil! I hope He says "Yes" to that too :)

We went into overtime, and God won.

I remember when I lived with my parents in Seattle, we had a night at youth group where we shared what God was doing in our lives. The lights were dimmed and there was pretty music in the background. God always moves of course, but that night He moved! I guess what is so awesome about it, is that it was an experience I shared with my closest friends. He was touching all of our hearts the same way.

We we're always very close as a group, sometimes in ways that would disgust most. For instance, if one of us had Starbucks at church and the person at the end of the row wanted a sip, we would each take a swig as we passed it down and then do the same as we passed it back. Talk about church family! But, hey,  we were also teenagers.

When we would sing together on Thursday night's, there wasn't a group of us on stage that were better than everyone else because we were musically talented. No, we were worshiping and praising God! Sometimes we would all get up and sit in a group on the stage, including the singers, and worship while we held onto one another. We would also sit together like this on night's when we shared with one another what God was doing in our lives. I remember when I got home from that particular night, I just didn't want it to end! I looked up the same song that was playing in the background on the internet and played it in repeat until I fell asleep. I slept on the couch that night so I could listen to it and continue to pray.

I never thought I would have anything like that again after I moved back to South Carolina, but I'm having one of those night's again tonight. I am I'm awe of how God moved this morning in church. This morning was the first time in a long time that I felt that same unity with my brothers and sisters in Christ, and we didn't even have to swap spit drinking after each other!

There is a girl in my class who has pulled on my heartstrings since the day she said me, "I've been struggling with so many things but when I saw your scar, I knew what I'm going through doesn't compare to what you have probably been through with your health."

We have gotten together on several occasions to study and have seriously failed each time. We always get so caught up in conversation. Her curiosity for Jesus was exciting and we would end up talking for hours about it. This has gotten me a parking ticket and B on my last test! But every moment has been worth it. I finally invited her to our church, not expecting her to come, but she did this morning!

Today was a perfect day for her to come because we had a worship team visiting who were awesome! Kim and Rance were there also which made me feel better having some people our age welcome her to the church.

The worship was beautiful and Pastor Shane's message was powerful. Before we stood up for the time of invitation I explained to her, "This is a time where you can go down and have Pastor Shane pray for you to receive salvation. No pressure whatsoever, I just wanted you to know that's what this time is for." We didn't even get to the chorus of the song and she was a blubbering mess! 

Thankful that I sat at the end of the row, I had Kim take my place comforting her while I frantically dug the tissues out of my purse. I had to get one for myself too... darn hormones!

Before I knew it, she went downstairs. I gave her a minute before I followed her down to check on her. There she was, "Where in the world is there a bathroom in this place!" She laughed. I didn't want to push her, I just asked her what was going on. "My family will be so upset with me if I do this." She confessed. "Jesus said, 'they will hate you because they hated me first.' But I promise there is nothing better and more comforting than letting Jesus have your life. Are you ready?" With a quick nod, we opened the door into the sanctuary.

Uh oh, the invitation song is over but at least they sang one more for a love offering. A buddy from Harrison's work was at the door. "Is everything ok?" He asked. "We need Shane." I whispered. He pointed him out and we walked down the isle together to get him. He immediately stood up to embrace her. She fell apart, and so did I! Stupid hormones! " She's ready." I told him.

Instead of praying with her right then and there like I had expected, he grabbed the youth pastor and his wife to take her into another room. I am so appreciative that he took the time to explain to her what it means to be saved so she could make an educated decision. He explained to her that we, as humans, deserve to be punished and we deserve to go to hell due to our sins. But Jesus took care of that for us when He died on the cross. After that, my sweet friend prayed a prayer that forever changed her.

"The bible says that the angels rejoice when someone gives their life to Christ." I told her. "That's right." Chase said. "They're rejoicing for you right now." He told her.

What a beautiful day in the midst of God's works with my church family there to support and be there for my new friend. I didn't want it to end! 30 Minutes before evening service started I said to Harrison, who was exhausted from working long hours day and night all weekend, "I'm still so pumped. I'm sorry, I'm leaving you to go back to church." I told him.

At church there was another beautiful message, as always, but I loved one thing Shane said during his sermon. "We had to go into overtime today, and we won! God won! Someone got saved today!" That's right. I explained to Harrison that if it wasn't for that extra song and those rare few minutes, we would have missed it. But even still, Northside sacrificed beating the Methodist to the buffet and went into overtime for my friend.

I still don't want this day to be over. Just like when I was 16 on the couch, in the basement at my parents house in Seattle, I've got this one song on repeat and I'm going to praise Him until I fall asleep.

Not your typical bad haircut

"I'm done being humble! I don't want to be like this anymore! Why do I have to continue this?" These are the words I shouted out at God on my drive home from the hair salon.

My hair has just very recently been at a length that allows me to do things I used to take for granted. I could tuck it behind my ears and use bobby pins! My favorite thing is when it got in Harrison's face when we snuggled. I loved it when he had to run his fingers through my hair to get it out of his way. " What an awesome problem to have! " I joked.

Now I was ready for a "big girl haircut." "There's finally enough to get it styled!" I was grinning from ear to ear the entire drive to the salon.

Last weekend I went to the mall to get some makeup and met the sweetest girl in the process. She made me feel confident and pretty. I never realized how important it is to feel good about yourself. It gives you motivation to fight through the treatments, and a drive for me to share my story with others. Because it really isn't my story, it's God's and it's my job to share Him with the world. Now that I think about it, He's made that very easy for me to do!

I decided to park all the way on the opposite side of the mall so I could walk through the makeup department. I forgot to give her my blog site! Luckily I found her, handed her a few cards and started for the salon. "I'll have a chance to give out more of my cards when I get my haircut!" I was having a great day.

When I got there I showed the girl a picture of what I wanted. "Do i have enough hair to do this?" I asked, worrying what her answer might be. "Definitely! This is going to look so cool!" She told me, and we proceeded to the sink so she could wash it! It's been a year since I've had to have my hair washed before the cut. Mandy always  squirts a little water on it and it's drenched. Not this time! I'm feeling like a new woman this time.

I sat down and she began snipping. I started to feel like she was getting a little carried away. "Calm down Taylor, she knows what she's doing." I thought to myself. When she turned my chair around for the big reveal, what in the mirror looked nothing like the picture I showed her. It was everything I could do to hold back tears. "No no no, there's nothing to tuck behind my ears! My bangs. My bangs are gone! It took almost a year for me to get those back and now they're gone!" I thought, trying not let it show on my face.

I had to pay and get out quick. "Thank goodness I decided to wear a hat today." I thought as I put it on the second I was out of sight from the salon. I rushed across the mall trying not let my emotions spill over. I avoided the makeup place. "I have to avoid that girl. If anyone takes notice of this haircut I'm guaranteed to explode with tears."

I barely made it to my car all in one piece. I fell apart the second I shut the door. I understand that this sounds dramatic but this is not just a typical bad haircut for me. No, for me this is ten steps back in the cancer recovery process. I have to start all over again growing my hair out.

God never let's things happen without reason, even little things like a bad haircut. "Why! Why do I have to look like a cancer patient for a few more months? I was there! I was finally there! I looked like my old self again. Why did you take that from me!" I shouted at God. Then Christian radio came in and saved the day again.

"When I fix my eyes on all that You are Then every doubt I feel Deep in my heart Grows strangely dim"

I don't know God's reason for keeping me in this state, but the only way I'm going to get through it is to fix my eyes on Him. Talk to Him, read about Him in His word, and worship and praise Him. I know that nothing else matters when I bury myself in His love. So I got my phone out, pulled that song up on youtube and listened to repeatedly all the way home. "All my worries fade And fall to the ground Cause when I seek Your face And don't look around Any place I'm in Grows strangely dim."

Ashby's step mom was in town that night and we were meeting them for supper. I forewarned her with a text before we got there, "don't say anything about my hair. If you draw attention, I will cry." My best friend's response: "Love you no matter what. I don't look at you for your hair." I needed to hear that and I needed the time we had that night. It was so good to see Allie and share memories across the table of stories from with Ashby and I were little.

When we got to Ashby's house, I pulled her aside and took off my hat revealing my haircut. "God needs you to look like this for a little while longer. He's not done with you yet." She told me. I'm so thankful for her. If the girl who cut my hair ever gets ahold of this blog, I hope she knows that God used her too. I'm surprised at the amount of people that ask me about my short hair. It opens up the door to share what God did in my life. Our church motto is,  "Doing whatever it takes to share Jesus." Even if I have to go a few more months with hardly any hair, if it's an opportunity to share Jesus, I'm in!

Is our bible still accurate?

I feel that I need to share what has contributed to making my faith as strong as it is because many people are very curious. There are two main things in particular. I have already posted one about my sister previously titled, "God hears, isn't that miraculous?" Well here I want to talk about the next one:  How the bible was written... Such an amazing story!

The bible is composed of 66 books, with over 40 different authors, and written over a span of 1600  years. And then when the story for put together something  amazing happens:   they flowed,  coming together creating a beautiful story.

Something I forgot to mention about all of these different authors: none of them knew each other. most of them even lived in different life times.  remember what I said? The part about the  1600 years?

The point I'm trying to make is this: That is an impossible thing to take place! How can 40-something "Joe Blows" write ONE story without coordinating with one another? This is one of the reasons why I believe that the bible is true and why I feel the need to live by it and do what it says.

I know one of the main arguments out there that people lean on and depend on is, " there are so many different versions of the Bible out there, it's not accurate anymore, blah blah blah blah "

I have done quite a bit of research on this and even took a course on the subject. I read somewhere that the Bible has been kept more accurate than Aristotle's writings. What! Another argument that a lot of people have is how the bible was passed down orally for a long period of time. That right there is enough for someone to say, "Forget it. There is no way it can be accurate through all of that!" But you have to understand the culture at that time. It was very strict. Parents would have their kids recite things everyday, making sure they had it perfectly memorized and engrained in their memory. Now, if it was our culture today passing down stories orally, then you really can forget it! But would you have a problem if everything was passed on electronically our day and age? Of course not! That's how we operate. And that's how they operated back then: passing things down through memory by being strictly enforced to do so. You have to understand what the culture is like during it's time.

The most important thing aside from all of the facts is the God we have. Our God is big. I have seen the miracles that he is performed in my life and in the lives of others. I know that he created the world in just 6 days and only by the breath of his mouth. I watched my lymphoma MELT AWYAY. Remember, this is the God who closed the mouths of lions, and parted the Red Sea. He allowed Sarah to concieve long after her "child bearing" years were over. How hard is it then for our God to keep His hand on His word, making sure that it remains unchanged?

Be Sweet

On our way out of lab yesterday my friend and I were stopped by an older gentlemen in our class. I’ve never met this man before and out of nowhere he started sharing his “arguments” in relation to what we just talked about in class. I like for my posts to be real but at the same time I want to keep them family friendly so I won’t get into details of our conversation. I can tell you he got into some very deep issues. I have no idea what made him feel like approaching my friend and I about this but I’m always thankful to have the opportunity to share Christ so I tried to choose my words wisely.

I don’t know much about genetics. I had just been introduced to them for the first time only 5 minutes prior to this conversation. So I am no place to form an educated opinion on his conclusion to these things.The only thing I could say that I knew for certain was, “Yes I believe we are all born sinners so we cannot help our desires for other things.” I got the hint very quickly that he didn’t appreciate my input. 
 
His next comment was, "Most people read the King James Version but that only came about because the original version was translated by some king into what is now the King James Version. So..." and then he walked off.

It was hard for me not to say something. I may not have my genetics down pat but I do know how the bible was written and how it was translated. I also know that our God is so powerful that if He wanted His word to stay accurate even through many translations, that He would keep His hand on it and make sure that happened. I wanted so bad to lash out and defend my Lord and savior but God's word says, "be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry." Not only that but it also says to "act out of love and not out of anger."

I'm so thankful for our church service immediately following this uncomfortable encounter. For the entire month of October, our Wednesday night meetings are titled, "Sweet Tea." (Everything is duck dynasty themed... Which is awesome!!)
 
Last night we talked about the opportunities we have when we're faced with adversity. The first thing we need to do is "be sweet!" In our weaknesses, we have the opportunity to be strengthened. "Even young men grow weary, but those who hope in the Lord, He will renew their strength."
 
I felt so weak standing there yesterday, saying nothing, when I had so much to say. But according to God's word, in our weakness, we have an opportunity to witness God's power to others. I guess I chose my words wisely by not saying anything at all.

"If it wasn't for..."

Friday is my favorite day of the week. Not only is the campus closed but I get to spend the whole day napping and catching up on my shows with my 5 month old niece. Unfortunately I couldn't keep her today as her mom stayed home.

As I was deep into the last season of  "Lost" on Netflix I got a text from my mom saying she was coming through town and wanted to stop by. Dang it! My mom has yet to see sweet Paisley and the one time I don't have her, she is in town! Oh well. Deciding that my appearance was too rough even for the woman who changed my diapers, I got up and took a quick shower before she came by.

We had a nice visit and as soon as she left my phone buzzed. It was Sarah (my PA) posting on facebook about our sewing class tomorrow. Shoot! I still havn't gotten any supplies for that. Thankful that I was already dressed due to my moms visit, I scrammed out the door to head into town and get what I needed for tomorrow.

While I was standing in line inside the fabric store a woman came walked in. I immediately took notice to how beautiful she was. Tall, blonde, and dressed to the tee! I noticed she kept looking at me. Feeling a little self conscious with my sweat pants and way overdue pedicure, I started fidgeting my clothes.

On my way out, she came out of no where and stopped me. "You're a survivor aren't you?" She asked me with a big smile. Confirming her suspicions she went on to say, "You can tell when you see one. I just noticed that there was something about you and then I saw your mark." She then pulled down the top part of her blouse revealing her matching scar. We finished up a tearful conversation and parted ways after I gave her my card with the blog website on it.

As I was headed back home I was thinking about my encounter with this woman. With the sound of the radio in the backdrop of my thoughts, I kept thinking about my scar. I stopped trying to hide it once it went from being an incision to a scar simply because it looks 100 times better than it did after my surgery. So it's not that noticeable to me, but it sure is to everyone else. I have so many people ask me about it. "Maybe I should try to cover this thing up." I though to myself, and then I tuned into the radio. It was a new song on Christian radio that I haven't heard yet and the words that were sung put my thoughts to a screeching halt. "And you wear your scars, Like they're who you are"

You can't make this up. The next set of lyrics put me into a full blown breakdown,

"Give Him your wounds, your bruised and broken pieces
All your questions, all your secrets
You don't have to hide who you are
You belong to someone greater
Than all your past mistakes and failures
Rested who He is
He knows how to make your pieces fit"

I mentioned in a recent post how my thoughts tend to spiral out of control and lead back to my cancer every single time. It happened again in that moment but it certainly was not in a negative sense like it has been every other time. I thought to myself: "I was in that store at the exact moment as that woman because my mom came when she did. That's caused me to get my lazy self off of the couch in the first place. I had to go get fabric which I wouldn't have been able to do if I was keeping Paisley today. I wouldn't be out shopping for fabric if I wasn't in this sewing class and I wouldn't be in this sewing class if I didn't know Sarah. And I wouldn't have known Sarah if I didn't have cancer."

It's days like this when I know God is who He says He is. Now I have a headache from all of those spinning thoughts! Here is the song that stopped me dead in my tracks today. And if it wasn't for this song, I probably wouldn't have written this post ;)

http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=meredith+andrews+pieces&FORM=VIRE1#view=detail&mid=93496E81B0EA3283335E93496E81B0EA3283335E

Forgiveness

I believe in priorities.  I think if you set them straight and enforce them it can change your life for the better.  I've written about this before and I want to write a whole book on it. God tells us what the greatest commandment is: to love Him with everything we have.  If we accomplish that,  we should have no problem prioritizing everything else according to His word.

I have done well with this. When I married Harrison I made sure that that God came first, he came second and I was to do everything I could to make sure nothing interfered with that.  I have put myself in uncomfortable situations where I've hurt people because I refused to let them into certain areas ofmy life. Areas  that I thought, if I let anyone in,  it would cause friction between my relationship with God or my husband.

I was successful in doing this. I love the Lord my God and I trust Him with my life.  Harrison lights up my whole world and the love I have for him is indescribable.

I left out an important part when I got these priorities straight. I didn't forgive these people for interfering. This has lead to a massive build up of anger. Yes,  I've recently talked about my medical problems that cause irritability but I don't think it's just that.

We had such an interesting sermon this morning. Our pastor used the cruise ship that crashed near Italy as an example of forgiveness. I didn't know that they recently turned the ship right side up to get it out of there. But there were a lot of things that came into play in order to do this. Just like there are a lot of things we need to do in order to get become "upright " in our own lives.

One of the many things they did was defule the ship to get rid of its excess weight, making it easier to get to the upright position. I have so much defuling I need to do.  I'm holding onto so much anger and it doesn't feel good.  The only way to get rid of this junk or this "fuel" is through forgiveness. I failed at this step.

Another thing our pastor pointed out was the way the ship looked when they finally got it up. Beautiful on one side but worn on the other. People can look like this too. Beautiful on the outside but messed up on the inside. There are a lot of people who look at me and see the girl who survived cancer with an unwavering faith. But just like everyone else, there are parts of me that are damaged too.

I loved how this morning he mentioned the cost that had to go into getting that ship upright. Millions of dollars in fees and such. Jesus already paid our debt though. We can seek His forgiveness and receive it free of charge,  no "works" required because of what He did for us on the cross.

My favorite part of the day was tonight's sermon and the verse that was mentioned: "seek and you will find." I'm seeking forgiveness and the beautiful thing about it is that I'm going to find. God said so!