Just keep swimming

We found out that my "silly trip to the ER" was due to some lung damage I now have caused by one of the chemo medications. They immediately stopped giving that particular medication. Since then, I have been noticing some new hair growth. Score! However, In order to prevent the lung damage from becoming permanent, I have been put on a very high dose of steroids for an extended period of time. These steroids have been the worst part of this entire process. 

They are supposed to make you wide awake but mix them with 3 rounds of chemo and a handful of daily medications and all they do is keep me awake. Not awake enough to be out and about and productive. I find myself getting into the most annoying cycle: I get up and start doing things around the house and quickly get tired. So I lie down to take a nap and then I can't fall asleep! So I get back up to do stuff around the house, and the cycle continues. Annoying!

Its been weeks and since being on them I have now gained a whopping 35 pounds! Yikes! Yes, I also have the moon face going on. I look like a totally different person. Which is seriously embarrassing when I run into someone for the first time since I've started treatments and it takes them an awkward 5 seconds to recognize me.

Needless to say, my self confidence is totally shot. I'm beyond pleased that my hair is growing back but I still look like a little dough boy! I've been trying to remember that God and Harrison both see me as no different (and that is by some great miracle). I can't understand why that isn't good enough. The only man I have to impress in my life thinks I'm drop dead gorgeous, and I don't even have to impress him... He's stuck with me for the rest of his life!

Every week they bring my dose down just a little bit more. Slowly but surely tapering me off. I finally get to the halfway mark and hit a stumbling block. 2 am the other morning I get up and go to the kitchen for something to drink and notice my right knee was hurting a little. Not half an hour after I lie back down and both knees have flared up into excrutiating pain. I examined them and noticed they were also swollen. It took a few hours and some meds from my surgery to knock the pain out. Half drugged on pain pills, my mother in law drags me in to see my oncologist. There we proceed to find out that my knees are fat, not swollen and the knee pain is being caused from steroid withdrawals.... Fabulous!

Today I noticed my cough and shortness of breath trying to make a come back. I decided since my nurse practitioner likes me and added me on facebook that I had the right to send her a personal message. I was instructed to jack up the dosage again. So disappointing!

I'm hoping next week I will be able to hut the diet trail. I feel absolutely miserable! I will still eat until I'm full... I'll just filling up on healthier choices. A daily walk is also in order. Trying to make it through this obstacle! "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...."

Blessings

Since I have been home, I have been crafting my little heart away. Every great idea I see on pinterest has come to life in our house and Harrison is about to go crazy! Eventually I ran out of things to make for myself and for our house so I had the fun idea to create an online boutique through facebook. I have been selling quite a bit of things and it's been fun having something to do. I also love catching up with friends and family when I deliver their items.

I then came up with an even more fun idea, to hold a craft show at our house. We spent the day cleaning up and cooking things. My friend came over and helped me decorate the house with all of the things I had made. I was a little dissapointed that a very large number of people were unable to come. I probably had about ten people show up, but we still had a very good time!

I love zoning out in my craft room and making things while I listen to sermons on audio. I love the social aspect that comes along with delivering my items. And I loved the idea of a ladies night at my house. This is why I craft. I didn't start this up because we needed money, if that was the case then my prices wouldn't be so low! I was not at all expecting the turn out that I had the night of my show. A pile of money landed in our laps because of that event. I wasn't expecting that at all. I was just looking forward to a girls night!

A couple of days later I was in the kitchen fixing myself a midnight snack.... something that has become a regular routine. My mind started going. Because of my cancer, I have switched my major and I'm doing what I love to do by tutoring biology and making crafts. I feel rich. I feel so wealthy. Now, we can stand back and look at the big picture of my situation. Harrison and I do not own our home, our vehicles are 10 years old, we don't have a large income and we are now in the tens of thousands of dollars in debt due to all of my medical bills. That doesn't sound very rich at all!

I'm amazed at how living as a Christian is so upside down from the "world" in a very large number of ways. I mean, listen to myself! "because of my cancer, all of these wonderful things have happened." and "I feel rich." When we are clearly broke!

I was standing in the kitchen and I started to look around. We live in a beautiful home and I have gotten to spend a lot of time there decorating it with all of my crafts and all of my time that I am there.  Again, I am there all day because of my cancer. I get to stay home everyday while my husband works to keep the roof of our beautiful home above our heads. Then my mind started wandering some more and I started to think about Harrison. Oh, my soul when I get to thinking about him. Obviously he is a good provider. The way he takes care of me is mind blowing. He hasn't missed one doctors appointment, surgery, or treatment. While I'm on the oporating table or in the recliner receiving my treatment, he sits and waits for hours in a hard back chair.

Not only does he make me feel supported, cared, and provided for, he also makes me feel beautiful. As I slowly gain more and more weight, and slowly loose more and more hair, it becomes devistating for me. Then there's Harrison... I become bigger and balder every time I look in the mirror, but to him I'm no less beautiful.

The more I started thinking about this, the bigger the tears started to swell up. All of a sudden I was sitting on the kitchen floor with my head in my hands, crying hysterically. "I am so blessed. I am so blessed."

I'll leave you with this:

Mark 8:35 "For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it."

Mark 10:31 "But many who are first will be last, and the last first."

Mark 10:43-44 " Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all."



I am living proof of these verses. I don't say these things, and tell everyone about all of our blessings and "I feel rich" because I want to brag or put myself on a pedistal. It is absolutely evident that God has been %100 faithful and true to His words that I have posted above. I am living proof of that and He needs to be glorified. I want to share with everyone God's faithfulness in our lives so that maybe someone will see that He would be faithful in theirs as well.

Psalm 8:4

Since my diagnosis, I have recieved e mails, messages, cards, etc. from all kinds of people. I love getting all the different messages and cards in the mail. The words of encouragement lift my spirits every day. I hate that I am unable to pick up the phone and call each person to say thank you. So can I just take this opportunity to apologize! I have received each letter and they have all touched my heart. Thank you!

Some of my favorites are the ones that start out with, "you might not remember me but..." There is one girl in particular who has been very persistant in getting in touch with me. I haven't seen her since I was 8 years old. I started receving messages saying, "I need your address, financially I am in a bad spot but once I get out of this mess I have something I want to send you!" Did you read the part where I said I haven't seen her since I was 8 years old? Bless her sweet little heart!

It took several weeks but we did get a card in the mail with the sweetest message and a check written out for $50. We often get cards in the mail with $20 or $50 and because of that I can call Harrison and ask him, "Honey, can you just stop and pick up something for supper? I'm really tired and don't feel like cooking." Being able to do that without feeling any guilt about it financially is huge. So now I want to take this opportunity to say thank you to everyone who has dropped a little bit of cash by our mailbox. It has been such a blessing.

This one instance in particular though really touched my heart. This sweet girl went out of her way to donate. I was reminded of a bible verse Psalm 8:4 "What is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him?" I have cried over this verse on a number of occasions. "Who am I that you are mindful of me, God?" I love it when He puts us in certain situations that puts things into perspective for us. I'm going to say it again, I have not seen this girl since I was 8 years old! Who am I that she is mindful of me? To go out of her way in the midst of her financial troubles to pull together $50 and take the time to send a hand written letter of encouragement.

It's the same way with Jesus. We should be just as thankful that we are so important to Him. The bible uses the word "investments." We are so important to Jesus that He considers us an investment! Wow! And yet, I fall short of the glory of God everyday. I put Him on the back burner everyday but I am still so loved and so charished by Him. And so undeserving of it.

That is grace. That is why He sent His one and only son to die on the cross. Who am I that I am deserving of that?

Our Testimonies

My upbringing was pretty different than most. My parents were just kids when they had me and divorced shortly after I was born. They both remarried when I was around the age of 6. My step dad was from South Carolina, where we later moved to when I was 8. South Carolina is not a place that I have always called "home."

My mom and step dad started their divorce when I was about 14 years old. Life turned into total chaos after that. I became a rebellious demand and my mother no longer had any control over me. That's when i was shipped back to Seattle to live with my dad, his wife, and kids.

The two years I lived in Seattle were the two most crucial years of my life. I was so angry for being forced to leave my home town during my junior year of high school, but I can't imagine where I would be today if I hadn't have made the move. My dad and his family (of course I mean our family, it's difficult referring to everyone. They are all "my dad; my mom; my brother; my sister; my parents." So I am trying my hardest to explain my story and referring to the important people in my life without offending anyone.) are God fearing Christians. They had just recently joined First Baptist Church of Arlington before I moved there. So they were new members.

I was invited to youth group on the first Sunday that I attended church, then I was invited to a party on the first Thursday that I attended youth group. I instantly connected with the kids at that hang out. I mean I felt like I had known them my entire life.. Not just a few short hours. I had the most fun with that group and my goodness, I'm going to get emotional as I write about them. They hold such a special place in my heart, even still to this day.

I was exposed to a new kind of fun. "You can't have fun at a party with no alcohol!? That's just crazy!" But yes we did. No alcohol, dirty tv shows, swear words, etc. That night we watched a Disney movie and ate loads of junk food. And we had a blast! We got together and did the same thing many many times after that. This was such a special chapter in my life. I just have to pause and say that again. It's some of the most fun I ever had and they all had a huge impact on my life spiritually.

I was totally transformed within my first year of living in Seattle. My parents were so touched by the impact that our church family had on me that they threw me a "one year" party on January 7th 2009 which obviously marked my one year that I had lived in Seattle. Sure, it was kind of silly but it was something that needed to be recognized. They needed to be recognized. I remember after everyone left, my dad came up to me with tears in his eyes and said, "This was the best day of my life. That is the most fun I think I have ever had. Just spending it with those people."

My step mom and I were talking the other day and she said she doesn't see any of them at church anymore. I guess we have all graduated high school and moved on to bigger and better things than what our little town of Arlington had to offer. (Well except me, I'm in Saint Matthews, South Carolina for crying out loud!). She mentioned God's timing. "Taylor, it had to be them. It had to be that group of kids. You couldn't have come the year before or the year after because it would have been a different round of people. God needed it to be them.

How special? Maybe that's why I get so emotional when I look back on the many memories I made while I was living in Arlington. God had created a group of people for me. I know He did.

Unfortunately, the summer of 2009, I strayed away from the church. School parties and school friends started looking a whole lot more fun. When my parents found and read my journal with entries of the many adventures I had been going on, I moved out and got a place close to my new job in Marysville. I was so far from God and I knew it. It didn't take long for me to make the decision to move back home to SC.

Making the decision to move back felt like making the decision to leave God. My relationship with Him truly began in Seattle. I seriously felt like I was choosing to leave Him by choosing to leave Seattle. If I ever wanted to repare my relationship with Him, my friends, and my family, I would have to move back to one day. However, I was going home for now.

I immediately got a job at my friends family's sports store and that's where I met Harrison. He was working there with his brother while attending school. Within 5 months of my working at SMS, we had hit it off and started dating. He was different from any other guy I had ever met: Responsible, hard working, determined, caring, kind, thoughtful, clean, neat, etc. I laugh at some of these characteristics now because some of them drive me nuts! It's nice to look back on the things that made me fall in love with him and realize how much I appreciate him though.

God was still in my mind every single day, even though I was now living a life apart from him. I went to a visitation for a family friend one night and was caught off guard by their pastor who was their speaking with them. I listened intently to his words and advice to the couple who had just lost their loved one. I agreed with everything he said. Just because I wasn't making good choices, didn't me I didn't know the difference between right and wrong. I shook the preachers hand and told him, "I will see you in church on Sunday."

"I need to get back to church." I constantly told myself. I drove 45 minutes every Sunday to listen to that preacher. I knew my behind needed to be in that church listening to what that pastor had to say because he was so honest.

The more and more I realized my need for God, the more and more I was realizing what my feelings for Harrison were turning into. I was falling in love with him. Caring for a person in such a way is a scary thing to come to terms with. He was becoming the most important thing to me. My prized possession. I cared for him so much. I wanted what was best for him. A life without God was not what was best for the person who meant the most to me. It was time to put God first in our lives.

I wanted the best for Harrison and I wanted the best for our relationship. I fought hard to put God first. In order for Harrison to do the same, I needed to prepare myself for any questions he might have and I needed to be a good example for him. I was making changes and drowning myself in God's word. Then that little thought kept coming up in my head. "You can't do this here. You can't live in South Carolina, and put God first. It's bad here. You have to be with your church, and your family." I wrestled with this thought and was seriously considering making the trip back.

One night it got to me so bad that I went to Harrison hysterical and told him the feelings and the thoughts I was struggling with. "Hold on," he said. "You're telling me that you can't have a relationship with God in South Carolina? You have to be in Seattle to do that? That doesn't make any sense?" He was right, it didn't. God and Seattle were one thing in my mind and I couldn't separate the two.

After that, we slowly started making changes. I joined Mount Tabor Baptist Church and got baptized. Then, Harrison got saved. We were fighting to keep God first in our relationship and both in our separate spiritual lives with Him. We did everything we could to keep boundaries between each other and no I'm not just talking about what you're thinking about. I struggled with the fact that I couldn't want Harrison more than anything in the world; the fact that he was not my first priority. I didn't go to him first for advice, I went to my heavenly father, then my earthly father, and then Harrison. I could feel it in my gut every time he put gas in my tank. My boyfriend is not supposed to be taking care of me. That's the duty of a husband. We had to make these boundaries because these were the best decisions we could make for our relationship in order for it to prosper. It was hard but I was going to do whatever it took to keep him. I was hopelessly in love and I wanted him for the rest of my life. God needed to come first in order for that to happen.

These are our testimonies. I love to look back on this because I see every area where God had pushed me to get me back on track. I couldn't see it back then, but it's crystal clear now. I look back at these stories and can't help but noticed how intricately orchestrated they are. It's so amazing when you let God write your life's story.

Harrison and I are so blessed in every aspect of our lives because our lives belong to Jesus. The first song at our wedding was, "His Eye is on the Sparrow." For if His eye is on the sparrow, then I know He's watching me. With God in control and number one in our lives, we're in pretty good hands ;)

Go For It

Well I've done it again! Our ten year plan has changed once more. This time we took a big leap of faith by letting go completely of the "nursing school dream." This is still such a crazy idea to me. Nursing school has always been the plan. It was like a safety net that I HAD to get under my belt. Even though my heart was pulling away from it more and more.

I fell in love with anatomy and physiology during my long process of prerequisites. The way our body works is absolutely fascinating. God has glorified Himself through His design of the human body. One of my instructors would pause at least once in the middle of all her lectures and state, "That's why the bible says that we are fearfully and wonderfully made!" I so appreciate her for saying that, but she didn't even need to. Our body is so amazing in the way that it works, you don't need to say "amen." It just speaks for itself.

I had an epiphany during that particular semester. My biology instructors were opening the eyes of students to God's creation. Think about how many people take a course in anatomy and physiology. My biology instructors have an oportunity to touch thousands of lives. It's mind blowing to me

Along with the courses, I became obsessed with "study techniques." I know, it sounds so silly. I was time managing and "budgeting" all of my school work. One of my instructors took notice of my silly obsession and e mailed me after the semester offering me a work study position with Supplimental Instruction. I took up the offer and my eyes were opened to a whole new world. The world of teaching.

I had so much fun planning and holding my sessions for other biology students. I loved seeing the light bulbs go off in their heads. I came to realize that the biggest problem with 90% of students is that they don't know how to study. When they would come to realize this, it was a life changing moment. I have had students cry and tell me, "God put you here and He put me in your path. I was ready to give up."

I have figured out ways to explain things to students in such a way to where is makes sense to them. I have found and created the activities that are the best way to practice and review each portion of the material. This is something that I got really really good at. However, nursing is what was in sight and I refused to take my mind off of it.

After Harrison and I got engaged I had a long talk with my dad over the phone. (Our best way of communication as he resides in Seattle, WA) "Taylor, maybe you should hold off on nursing school. The first year of marraige is the most important and the Devil is going to be on the back of your heals. Satan doesn't like marraige, he is going to do whatever it takes to destroy it. Why don't you just take off a year to just be married."

This made perfect sense. It probably would have been a great idea to put my marraige first and get to know my husband instead of jumping right into the chaotic way of life in the nursing program. It would have been the perfect opportunity for the Devil to try to get his foot hold on usWe would be putting on so much added stress financially, emotionally, and in every other way. However, we didn't adhere to my fathers advice. Nursing school was the plan.

The day before school started I had a mental breakdown. I knew something was wrong with me health wise. I was so tired. I mean I was exhausted. I was experiencing symptoms of depression, and I just couldn't do much physically. My back was hurting so bad to the point where I couldn't stand for longer than 15 minutes at a time. "How on earth am I going to stay on my feet all day long?" I broke down into sobs. I didn't think I could do it. I was scared.

After we found out I had cancer and pulled me out of the program, OC Tech offered me another job position. SI was expanding online and I was going to be over it. I was so excited about this. It has kept me busy and has allowed me to work from home. What a blessing.

With school out of the picture and my focus only on SI, my eyes were opened to my support system that I had around me at OC Tech. I very much enjoy the people I work with/for at tech. I also realized how much I loved the "world of teaching."

Thoughts and ideas started to race through my head and I was off once again to talk to my mentour/former bio instructor at tech. She and I have had this conversation several times. "My ten year plan has changed, now when I finish nursing school I want to....." This time I eliminated a very large portion of that statement. I didn't want to go back to nursing school. I wanted to be a biology instructor and I wanted to do it at OC Tech. When I walked in her office I mentally prepared her for what she was about to hear by first telling her that I had seriously lowered my standards. Yes, I blurted that out before realizing that she was a biology instructor at OC Tech!

Harrison and I have talked and prayed over this and I am so excited to say that my major has officially changed. Nursing school is now in the rear view and the masters degree is in sight!

I recently listened to a sermon by one of my favorite speakers, Louie Giglio. The name of the sermon was "unthinkable you." His sermon was very similar to my previous blog post, "Goals." By no means do think that was a coincience. He told stories about how he and his wife made drastic decisions in carreer change, location, etc. Everyone thought they were crazy, but they were just being obedient to the Lord. Going in whatever direction they thought He was calling them to. He said people would ask him:

"How much are you going to make?"

"I don't know."

"Well how are you going to pay your bills?"

"I don't know."

When he said this, it dawned on me. "I don't even know the average salary of a college instructor." Guess what? It doesn't matter. If it's what the Lord is calling you to do something, He will provide you with the financial means to make it happen.

Right now, we're listeining to God and he is saying, "Biology. Go for it, Taylor!" My response is not, "Well how much does a biology instructor make, God? How am I going to pay for my bills?" Nope. We're going for it.

Essentially Gone

"You had alot of hodgkins in you." These are the words of my oncologists' nurse practitioner. She proceeded to tell us that the specialist who looked at my first PET was shocked to see so much cancer.

This PET scan was taken in early December. I am to have follow up PET scans every 3 months to keep up with me progress. I had my first scan since starting my treatments this past week. When we were finished, of course I had them burn a CD with the images for me because I often think I know what I'm talking about.

I pulled up the images when we got home and saw that my bladder, kidneys, and other organs were bright orange. The "bad stuff" shows up this way in the scan so of course, I thought "remission" was still a ways off!

That night my nurse practitioner called me, "Your hodgkins has melted away." Was the first thing she said. We were so excited so hear that my cancer was "melting" away so fast! She also told me that one of the chemo medications had caused some lung damage which is what put me in the ER with shortness of breath. She said I needed to start a high dose of steroids ASAP and to stay on them for two weeks. We were also instructed to keep our fingers crossed that this would treat the lung damage otherwise, it will be permanent. We were coming up on 8:00 PM so I told her to get on the phone with the only wal mart in orangeburg county and I let her know that we would be purchasing a few pair of sweatpants along with those steroids! I certainly hope this lung damage isn't permanent. I'm going to need to train for a marathon to get this weight off by the time this is over with. I'm 15 lbs in the plus so far.... and counting!

The next day I had an appointment right before my treatment. "Your cancer is essentially gone." Hold on... gone!? I know she said it melted away but... It didn't really all melt away!? "but my kidneys, and my bladder and other places were all lit up still?" I said. As it turns out, those are some of the few places that will show up bright orange on anyones PET scan, bad stuff or no bad stuff. "The only cancerous spots left are no longer active. It's essentially gone." She said. "Well, were we expecting things to happen so quickly?" I asked her. She just shrugged her shoulders and said, "One of the reasons I like hodgkins is because it responds very well to treatment."

Barely out of my first cycle and my cancer is "essentially gone." No... Freaking... Way...

Two years; stage three; minimum of six months treatment; "you had alot of hodgkins in you." toxic medications; possible infertility; and now... "essentially gone." How do you go from all of those scary reports to "essentially gone" in just two months!? I feel like I don't even have to say it. It speaks for itself. Our payers have been answered in that God used me to be glorified.

A couple who we have become good friends with joined us for church this past Sunday. Before we left they told me, "Taylor, the day before your scan we were praying so hard that it would just be GONE. That the doctors would find NOTHING." Oh my goodness, wow. They proceeded to tell me, "We don't mean to make this about ourselves, but we feel like we have such a big part in it. Your situation had us put our faith on the line by praying for such a miracle." I'm so glad that they felt they had a part in it :) Our prayer has been that this would benefit OTHERS.

"Take my life and let it be, all for you and for your glory."

Silly trip to the ER

Oh the shortness of breath has made a come back! This was one of the worst symptoms I had before I started treatments. There is a large amount of swollen lymph nodes in my chest. This mass is pushing on my lungs causing shortness if breath, pushing on my esophagus causing acid reflux, it's even pushing on my spinal cord causing back pain and... yes... incontinence. I also had a terrible cough. Every single time I would laugh, it would cause me to cough and then cause me to become incontinent. By the time I got to the rest room I would be so out of breath making me cough more and more. I can't tell you how miserable I was. The doctor brought me to tears when she told me these symptoms would go away within two to three days after I started treatment. I'll exchange all of that for a bald head, no problem!

The other day I started to notice some of the symptoms returning. I ended up having a cough attack in the middle of a tickle fight with Harrison. Then my sore throat was worsening. Another cancer symptom I've had due to the swollen lymph nodes in my neck. Then on Saturday the shortness of breath came back. Sunday morning, it was back to the same way. Going from the living room to the kitchen was the equivalence of running a marathon. I called the on call doctor who told me what I was expecting, but not wanting to hear: We had to go to the ER. As it turns out, chemo can sometimes cause blood clots in turn causing shortness of breath. So off we went!

Harrison and I did our usual updating during an emergency routine. Update facebook first to cover all bases, text Dr. Shane and Pastor Brian, mass text message to friends and family, and then call our parents to come meet us. By this time, we are totally covered in prayer.

The nurses came in and did a number of uncomfortable tests and stuck a huge IV in me before checking to see if I had a port. Ok, I know that's not the usual thing to check for but I'm a cancer patient for crying out loud.. Most of us have those!

After all the tests were done, the doctor came in to explain the results. After having a number of doctors miss my diagnosis, 4 bio courses, and a semester of nursing school, I trust trust only my PA and my oncologist and his team. This guy had alot to do for me to trust what he was going to say. I liked what he was telling us, I liked that he went over all of the symptoms of a blood clot (i only had 1) and I really liked that he said he was going to call my oncologist before discharging me.

Sure enough, we were ready for discharge. I walked to the lobby, no heavy panting... I walked to the car, no heavy panting. We updated everyone and thanked them for their prayers.

Total epiphany: we just had a pointless trip to the ER, but everyone got to see God answer prayers. I don't think its at all a coincidence that right after discharge my shortness of breath just disappeared. People are watching me, I've prayed to God that we can take full advantage of the short amount of time that everyones eyes are on me. Doing whatever it takes to Jesus Christ. Even a silly trip to the ER. Hundreds of people saw the payer requests yesterday, and then hundreds of people saw God answer those prayers. I'll take a hundred more silly trips to the ER to be a witness like that to such a large amount of people. Such a great opportunity. Now, if everyone would please pray for the people being witnessed too!