A little better; a little stronger

These past couple weeks have been trying. Always, I am thrilled about the miracle that is growing in my tummy but there are other circumstances that continue to haunt me. I forget sometimes that I'm recovering from cancer survival and growing tiny bones and organs. I get winded easily and sleep a lot!

It seems like every time I do something (laundry, dishes, etc.) I'm ready to take a break. My tired body from very little physical activity needs a sandwich and an episode of 19 Kids and Counting before the next activity. I'll be looking like a dough boy again before too long!

Yesterday was my first day back to the Y after a full month of being out on doctors orders. (Why is it that everything wrong with me medically causes me to become fat and lazy? Come on, God!) The fact that I made it somewhere by 9am was a miracle in itself but that productivity didn't last too long. My hour long Deep Water class had me practically falling asleep at the wheel on my way home.

I skipped the shower and let my chlorine soaked head hit the pillow to rest for just a little while. I couldn't be down for too long or I'd miss my lunch plans with Patsy (My precious grandmother and favorite woman in all of Orangeburg!) Once my eyes cracked open after a much longer than intended nap, I saw a missed call, voice mail, and text on my phone from her. A text message?! My sister wasn't over there that day which meant she took the time to figure out how to compose and send one to me. I was late, and she was definitely worried! I called her back and eased her poor mind and reschedule, got up to wash the chlorine out of my hair and then... "Man, I'm tired!" So back to bed I went. I turned on the audio bible on my phone and worried myself right to sleep.

I have mentioned before my experiences with depression. In high school my doctor didn't pay enough attention and mistaked my depression for ADD. Years later after a move to and from Seattle on top of nursing school and cancer, it was time for antidepressants again. Thankfully I'm off of them now with baby Jones making him/herself at home in my womb. I'm not someone who is susceptible to a hormonal imbalance, I've just been through a lot. It's something I live with now but try to maintain a healthy lifestyle to avoid it ever happening again. I began to fear that I may be slipping back into a depression.

After I finally woke up at 6pm I cleaned the kitchen, cooked supper, and spent the evening with my favorite guy. My insomnia began to do its thing and I got the floors swept and mopped too! "Ok maybe I'm not so bad after all." I thought to myself.

Sure enough, I was out of the bed before noon today (I know that sounds ridiculous but work with me here...) I was steady doing things all day and not once did I get tired out. I made it through the whole day on only one episode of 19 Kids and Counting! And it was on my lunch break, not my snack break ;)

My list of accomplishments are set on a much smaller scale of excellence than the average person. But they are celebrated just the same! It's days like today that I'm able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's far off but I'm know I'm getting better; stronger. This idea and this plan for recovery is actually happening and that feels so good! Tomorrow morning I return for Deep Water so that calls for another day of full on rest I'm sure. But each time, I know I'm going to get a little better; a little stronger :)

Rationing Spoons

I recently came across a Facebook page titled, "An Invisible Illness Awareness Project." To satisfy my curiosity, I read the "about" and scrolled through the posts. There were pictures of women (and they were beautiful!) who currently live with an "invisible illness" -an illness that has no physical side effects. It was definitely interesting but I didn't feel like I could relate to these women. I underwent treatment for a disease that had a number of physical symptoms and I only fought that battle for 9 months. Unlike theirs, mine had a cure. As the days went on, and more posts from this page filled my news feed, I realized that I was kidding myself. I have a lot more in common with these women than I thought!

Have you ever had an idea or a thought that makes perfect sense from your point of view, but have trouble explaining it to others? Then all of a sudden someone comes along and perfectly sums it up in just a sentence! I guess if you're a "professional thinker" like my dad and I, this would happen more often for you! I have filled up entire blog posts trying to explain a concept and then I hear a sermon or someone on the radio and it is perfectly restated using just a few words! I tried explaining my fatigue in another post from last year: "I find myself getting into the most annoying cycle: I get up and start doing things around the house and quickly get tired. So I lie down to take a nap and then I can't fall asleep! So I get back up to do stuff around the house, and the cycle continues. Annoying!" A few days ago a picture from the invisible illness page popped up as I was scrolling through.The quote in the picture read, "It's a kind of TIRED that sleep can't fix." I read that and it was like someone had just made sense of my entire world. That is me every single day since my treatments. That is fatigue!



I learned very quickly that I just might have a pretty good understanding of what these women go through everyday. I may not have an illness, but I am recovering from one and though my symptoms may not be visible, they are debilitating!

I wanted more. I had a glimpse of hope that someone else might actually understand me! I scrolled through the posts starving for something else to help me cope. I saw something about spoons. Yes it sounds weird, I thought the same thing! It was an article titled, "The Spoon Theory" written by someone who lives everyday with an invisible illness: lupus. I would encourage you to read this to fully understand what I'm about to write.

I was filled with sadness, understanding, and excitement all at the same time as I read how this women explained what day to day life is like for her to her friend. It was beautifully illustrated. Her disease allows her only so much energy and motivation to get through daily activities. She used spoons as a visual aid for her friend. Each daily task or chore costs a little bit of that energy and motivation, or in Christine's case, a spoon! "Most people start the day with unlimited amount of possibilities, and energy to do whatever they desire, especially young people. For the most part, they do not need to worry about the effects of their actions. So for my explanation, I used spoons to convey this point." Miserandino explained. "I asked her to count her spoons. She asked why, and I explained that when you are healthy you expect to have a never-ending supply of “spoons”. But when you have to now plan your day, you need to know exactly how many “spoons” you are starting with. It doesn’t guarantee that you might not lose some along the way, but at least it helps to know where you are starting."

I don't know how many times I've had to send out disappointing texts out to friends, "I'm sorry I can't make it this morning. My insomnia was really bad last night!" After asking her friend to walk through a normal day, Christine Miserandino explained how she quickly took away a spoon before her friend could even get dressed for the day.
 
"When she jumped right into getting ready for work as her first task of the morning, I cut her off and took away a spoon. I practically jumped down her throat. I said ” No! You don’t just get up. You have to crack open your eyes, and then realize you are late. You didn’t sleep well the night before. You have to crawl out of bed, and then you have to make your self something to eat before you can do anything else, because if you don’t, you can’t take your medicine, and if you don’t take your medicine you might as well give up all your spoons for today and tomorrow too.” -I read this and immediately thought, "This girl gets me!" 

Christine Miserandino

I've dealt with frustrations of knowing that others see "lazy" written right across my forehead as I tell others what I'm up to these days. I'm not lazy, I just have to ration my spoons! Harrison and I have readjusted our entire lives so that I can use what little "spoons" I have to their full potential. As I read this woman's story, I no longer felt frustrated. I felt like I have been so ungrateful and realized that I am so blessed! She and I may start out with the same amount of spoons for the day, but I was heartbroken to hear how detailed she has to be as she rations hers out. Not to mention, as the years go by I am going to get better. I won't be a recovering cancer patient forever. I am going to be a mom though ;) So hey, let the spoon counting continue!

The quotes used in this post and the "Spoon Theory" itself are all from Christine Miserandino. I take no credit! I am, however, thankful for her life and her willingness to share :)

"The difference in being sick and being healthy is having to make choices or to consciously think about things when the rest of the world doesn’t have to. The healthy have the luxury of a life without choices, a gift most people take for granted." - See more at: http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/#sthash.B2TP4EWc.dpuf

I explained that the difference in being sick and being healthy is having to make choices or to consciously think about things when the rest of the world doesn’t have to. The healthy have the luxury of a life without choices, a gift most people take for granted. - See more at: http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/#sthash.B2TP4EWc.dpuf

Most people start the day with unlimited amount of possibilities, and energy to do whatever they desire, especially young people. For the most part, they do not need to worry about the effects of their actions. So for my explanation, I used spoons to convey this point. - See more at: http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/#sthash.B2TP4EWc.dpuf

Most people start the day with unlimited amount of possibilities, and energy to do whatever they desire, especially young people. For the most part, they do not need to worry about the effects of their actions. So for my explanation, I used spoons to convey this point. - See more at: http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/#sthash.B2TP4EWc.dpuf

Most people start the day with unlimited amount of possibilities, and energy to do whatever they desire, especially young people. For the most part, they do not need to worry about the effects of their actions. So for my explanation, I used spoons to convey this point. - See more at: http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/#sthash.B2TP4EWc.dpuf

Indescribable Joy

"Any chance you're pregnant?" The nurse asked me as I was being prepped for my first x ray since the diagnosis. Any chance? Well, we were newly weds. Isn't there always a chance?  This was a fully loaded question and after two straight days of procedures, I was in no position to answer a fully loaded question. Having just learned that I had cancer for two years without knowing it, I didn't want to take any chances by making assumptions anymore. "I mean, I guess there's a chance?" I responded. By her reaction, I learned very quickly that this was not a fully loaded question. This was a routine question and I had just completely messed up the routine.

Now obviously I was not pregnant at that time being that I was able to start treatments without any complications. We were advised though, to see a fertility doctor before I started them. "We can't waste any time. If you decide you want to freeze some of your eggs, you need to do so now." We were told.

Now, we didn't go into any scientific research to find out if being able to do a procedure like this was a blessing or something that was disrespectful to God's creation. Right off the bat, Harrison knew that it was disrespectful to God's power. "If God wants us to have children, we don't need to freeze eggs in order for Him to make that happen. That is an unnecessary expense." His mind was set and as difficult as it was for me to relinquish my control on something I wanted so badly, I backed him up. My cancer, and everything that came with it was put into God's hands.

From that statement, I will add that our God is a redeemer. He can take all of that bad, scary stuff, and make something good out of it! Your doctor's can't do that; your pastor can't do that; and as much as a control freak that you may be, you can't do that either! Romans 8:28 "We know that all things work together  for the good  of those who love God: those who are called according to His purpose."

God is faithful to His word and He will do what He says He's going to do. Now here is the fun part. Allow me to share with you the very moment that God pulled through for us!

"Mrs. Jones, there's a chance that you're pregnant!?" It was July 18th 2014 and I was taking off my jewelry for my routine CT scan when the nurse came running in frantically. "We don't know if I'm able to have children yet, but we have been trying. They were supposed to do blood test with my blood work from this morning." I responded. "Oh my gosh, we've never had anyone check that box before!" They took me out immediately and sat me in a dressing room to wait on the results.

There I was, half dressed in a robe with an IV dangling from my arm at the cancer center. And those poor ladies had no idea what they were doing! Not only was this a cancer center, it was the imaging department! "I'm so sorry to be complicated, they have all come back negative for months and I'm sure this one will be no different."I explained. I could tell they were becoming aggravated having to wait on my blood results.

45 minutes later a women came in with a piece of paper. I was ready to grab my things so we could finally get on with my scan. "Mrs. Jones? Hmm. It looks like your not getting that scan today!" She showed me the positive test and the only thing I could do was cry. There's a baby in there!? I'm a mommy!! All of the other workers were stunned. "I have goosebumps!" One of the women said to me while the nurse taking me back was clapping her hands shouting "yay yay yay!" And I was just a blubbery mess! What a situation that was! All of a sudden I heard a familiar voice. "Where is she? Is she freaking out?" Kim! I was so caught up in the moment, I forgot that I actually had some support here. She came right in and hugged me. It felt so good realizing that I was not alone! Kim DeWitt is my nurse practitioner and has been a God send for Harrison and I. She has become a great friend to us and I was so thankful that I had her that day!

Nanci, my nurse who tortured me for 6 months by shooting me up with chemo ;) has become very special to us as well. Even though I was put into a "chemo coma" (as I called it) for days following each treatment, I still looked forward to every other Thursday. A nurse who can make you feel that comfortable and cared for is a special one indeed! So I was very happy that she was there for me in that moment as well.

I've made numerous mistakes in my life, and I am far from perfect still. With that being said, I am however, very proud of our faith and trust in God. Harrison and I gave God our marriage, my cancer, and now my school as we have followed Him blindly by allowing Him to close the door on it. He has now revealed to us everything He has been "redeeming" with the most important areas of our lives. All because we were able to hand them over to Him. 

God knows I needed to be home. This has been a very rough first trimester! And now I get to stay home and raise our baby. Not that finishing school is out of the picture because I would very much like to do that, but this child and my family are the priority. There is no push right now for me to finish school. We have given or finances over to God as well and He has blessed us for it! Harrison and I just cannot believe that I am able to stay home and we can still do all of the things we need to do on just one income. 

The joy that we are experiencing at this moment is indescribable. The plans that God has for you are far better than anything that you could plan for yourself. If you just put them in His hands, you will experience an abundance of His love, mercy, and grace. I pray that you would be able to have the same joy that we have now which can only come from God and through Jesus Christ.

Our little miracle will make his/her appearance in March of 2015. Yes, we are going to be parents!

Radiant Child of God

Since I have met Harrison, I have fallen in love with many of his friends and family. I feel like they are mine now, just as much as they are his and sometimes maybe even a little more ;) God opened the floodgates of blessings when He put Harrison in my life. There is one woman in particular who has been extra special to me as she was a big help as I battled lymphoma.

I discovered how special Ginger Jacumin was to Harrison's family when we went to attend her wedding back when he and I were dating. You are a special person indeed if my mother in law gets dressed up to go anywhere for you! I heard nice things about her and her soon to be husband along with hilarious stories of  Harrison and his brother growing up with Mrs. Ginger's son.

Down here, most families set a week aside during the summer to stay at the beach. That summer, her family was there the same week as Harrison's. It was also shortly after she had received her second diagnosis of breast cancer.

Harrison and I met up with them and were able to catch up her new husband on the beach. "Mr. John y'all sure have been traveling a lot!" Harrison joked. "She's dying, Harrison. It's gotten to her bone. So we go where she wants to go." I was grieved as I listened to him explained her situation. It gave me a not so fun perspective as I was learning for myself how deep and serious my feelings were for Harrison. It was something that I just couldn't imagine. Little did I know that I had cancer at that very moment and God would soon have us go through the same thing, at the same point in our marriage! But certainly not to that extent.

As she walked up to us, she tipped her hat revealing the little hair she had left due to her treatments, and with a big smile she said, "how do you do!" Incredible. I had no idea she was a cancer survivor and you certainly wouldn't know that she was up against this battle for the second time. I remember I told her once, "I don't know what I would do if someone told me I had to get back in that chair again." She responded, "Oh you would do just fine. I've kept up with your blogs!"

Mrs. Ginger found out she was doing well enough to switch to a chemo pill during the same time as my diagnosis. The pill has a lot less side effects, plus you don't have to go sit in the chair for 5 hours at a time to receive your treatments! It always gives you something to look forward to when someone you know has a check up or a scan scheduled the same day as your treatment. She and I got to visit each other from each end of the spectrum. She and her husband came to visit us during my first chemo after I shaved my head. She looked beautiful! You could tell those pills were doing her a lot better than "the chair" as I call it. Her face was lit up and she had a thick head of silver hair that had its natural flow coming back. "Don't worry. Once it gets to here, it just grows and grows!" She told me.

The next time we were able to visit like that, it was the other way around. I saw an update from her saying she was going back in for weekly chemo treatments. I have learned that I'm a delayed griever. At this time, I had just entered a new stage where I had become  very empathetic towards other cancer patients. I don't even know what you would call that, but it certainly helped me work through my experience with the disease. So when I found out that a beautiful, strong, and kind person like her had to go back to the chair, I lost it. I spent more than a few minutes sobbing on my couch for this women. Yes it sounds dramatic, but remember I was grieving!

This all happened to be on the same day as my scan so I was definitely going to see her. I sent her a message letting her know I would be up there and asked if there was anything in particular was craving or wanted to eat. If you have read this blog from the beginning, you know that I definitely had my own cravings! She turned down the offer, but I got in my car and left early anyways. My first stop was the Lifeway to find something to help keep her mind on what's important. I spent too much time searching for the perfect book. It couldn't be depressing, had to offer hope that Jesus gives no matter what you're going through in life, and it had to have questions/exercises for application. I finally found what I was looking for and walked over to Panera Bread to get her a sweet treat. I guess this is how I grieve!

It's never a quiet moment with Mrs. Ginger. There's always something to talk about and the conversation is always fulfilling and entertaining! We got to catch up and laugh as I downed that awful drink I needed before my scan, and then she told me what I was not expecting to hear. She had received so many good reports, I figured she was getting better. When I asked her about it, she responded, "Oh honey, I'll never be in remission. They're just keeping it at bay." I couldn't help myself. Treats began to flood my eyes and I was about to loose it. She quickly changed the subject, leaving me totally embarrassed! I'm so thankful now that I had that visit with her. "Something sweet, and something to pass the time." I explained as I handed her the gifts.

A few days later during a late night conversation on messenger I deeply apologized. "I am so sorry I started crying! You should not have to be the one comforting me while you're the one in the chair!" Little did she know, I was sobbing at that very moment while I was processing all of her latest health updates she had given me. My hero's response, "Oh don't cry for me, I'm a child of God!"

I'm so thankful for all of the love I have opened my heart for with the wonderful people that came into my life with Harrison. I'm particularly thankful for this radiant "child of God." I only hope that her suffering was as minimal as she led it on to be. My heart is broken now though. Mrs. Ginger's good reports dwindled fast and her body could no longer take the treatments. I sobbed some more last night as I wrote this and now Harrison and I are grievous as we have just heard the news. Mrs. Ginger, in all of her radiance, has gone to be with Jesus. It was such a painful prayer for me last night as I asked God to please take her home soon. She has fought this disease for a long time and, in my eyes, deserved nothing more than the peace and happiness of being in heaven with Him. I was not ready for her to leave us, but I was more than ready for her to finally be pain free.

I would ask that you would please pray for those who are learning what life will be like without her beautiful soul. Her husband, who was faithfully by her side through this gruesome battle. Might I add, with a smile on his face every time that we saw him. Pray also for her two children and six grandchildren. This is a sad night for our community. Mrs. Ginger touched so many lives and through this post, I hope one person's experience of her unwavering faith was able to touch yours too!

Religion verses Relationship

I came a across this blog post recently and was a bit enraged. The outcome of this girl's experience with her church is very unfortunate. Her fear of going to Hell if she were to break her pledge to purity made what was supposed to be an intimate and special time with her husband full of disgust.

I don't intend on filling this page with the "sex topic" because I don't think that's the issue here. This is just another tragic outcome of choosing religion over a relationship with Christ. This poor girl thought that her "good deeds" would get her into the Kingdom. Where did people get this idea and why is it accepted by so many?

"We are all infected and impure with sin. When we display our righteous deeds, they are nothing but filthy rags. Like autumn leaves, we wither and fall, and our sins sweep us away like the wind." 64:6

So many times I hear others proclaim they are going to heaven. Their reasoning? "I'm a good person." The above verse states very clearly that "we are all infected and impure with sin." Our sinful thoughts and actions could never out way our "good deeds." Do you feel like you're in trouble? We all are! But don't worry! God fixed that when He sent His son to die for us. Jesus became all of that sin that we are incapable of escaping from and nailed it to the cross. You don't have to say 10 "Hail Mary's," baptize your infants, or stay pure until you're married to get into Heaven. All you have to do is accept what Jesus did for you! Do the rest of those things because you love Him and trust Him with your every life's decision.

"Jesus replied, 'You must love the LORD your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment." Matthew 22:37-38

It makes perfect sense that this would be the greatest commandment. A little perspective: I would do anything for Harrison given the amount of love I have for him. I happily make his supper everyday and make sure that clean clothes is one less thing he has to worry about because it pleases me to please him. And vice versa. Isn't that how is usually is in a marriage? We like to get our spouses or boyfriend's/girlfriend's nice things on special occasions, take them out to dinner, etc right? We don't do these things because it's the bare minimum requirement to keep the relationship going steady. We make these sacrifices willingly because we love that other person. We should do the same thing for or Heavenly Father!

Harrison did a fantastic job sweeping me off my feet back in "the good old days." Even today there are many things that make me fall in love with Him over and over. Usually ;) it's easy to love him. But how much easier is it to love someone who died for you? Please read the gospels and see what a gruesome death Jesus died for you. And because of what was stated above, "we are all infected and impure with sin." In no way shape or form do we deserve what Jesus did for us. I don't take communion because it's another box I have to check off to get across the pearly gates, I do that because I want to remember what was done for me and thank Him for it!

This is why I left the Catholic church when I was 16. I was turning into a robot just like so many others. There were certain medicines I couldn't take, and certain things I couldn't do "because I was Catholic." There was still a giant veil between God and I. When I accepted Christ into my heart, my relationship no longer had to be mediated. Now I don't take certain medicines because I want to avoid creating an idol which is something that would hinder this awesome thing that God and I have going on! Do you see the difference? I enjoy my relationship with God.

I will end with this and here's a little TMI for you. Leaving sex only for my marriage is one of the best decisions Harrison and I have ever made. Yes we were blessed for it but, unlike this poor girl and her church, that's not why we did it! Harrison and I love each other so much that we were willing to do whatever it took to keep our relationship healthy so that we could spend the rest of our lives with one another. The best way to do that was to give our relationship to Christ. God is so faithful and for that we are blessed! Please, this is not a rant, just an opportunity given to me through a blog post to share a little bit more about the awesome relationship you can have with your Creator!

Turn the other cheek?

Conflict. Oh how I loath this word! It's something that terrifies me; makes me want to lock myself in my house and close all of the shades.

When someone tried to contact me to question my blog, I just knew the time had finally come when my straightforward opinions, and the truth of God's word had set another person off.

When my instructor mentions the idea of evolution, or other religions that are so different, standing up next to the bible, and words seemingly blurt out of my mouth all on their own. Because someone has just disrespected the person who died for me. Who died for all of those who disrespect Him.

Conflict has just taken flight and my heart sinks. I don't do well with this word. It literally makes my tummy hurt! Call me a wuss? You bet I am!

I wasn't always like this. As soon as I had learned God's truth, I thought it was so awesome that I couldn't wait for the rest of the world to hear this great news! It wasn't a matter of changing lives for me, it was more of an awareness thing. I thought for sure that if someone was not a believer of Christ, it was only because they didn't comprehend the full extent His glory. So I was ready to help every person I could become exposed to the greatest thing that has ever happened on this Earth: Christ's death and resurrection.

As it turns out, awareness is not the issue. There are many people who are well aware. Trust me! When I saw the rejection again and again, I just knew that person had to be an idiot.

Why would you not want this in your life?  I just showed you just pretty incredible scientific evidence that shuts down any idea that this is bogus. The only other explanation is that you must be stupid. Wow. I'm sorry.

Yes, this was my thought process at just 16 years of age. My excitement and then puzzlement left a lot of people turned off. Can you imagine? I embraced conflict. Not that this was my intent. I just had a lot to learn being a new believer! 

Now here I am at 23 and want to avoid all of what is stated above. I've learned lately that my "avoidance" of conflict is actually biblical. Because the issue is not totally being avoided, it's actually being processed.

There have been several instances in the last couple of years where I have encountered friction with other people. If you haven't found out for yourself yet, anytime there is a big event, exciting or tragic, someone's feelings are going to get hurt. Even during my diagnosis and treatments, there were loved ones who were not pleased with my decisions or my priorities that I work so hard to keep in order. (That being God and my husband. As for the rest, I'll pray about it!)

Through each event I found myself "shutting down" in a sense. Not giving my time and attention to the conflict because that resistance doesn't help anybody. So why get defensive if it's not going to get you anywhere? You see, this is not something done out of hate or bitterness on my end. When I go home and pray for the situation, I'm actually "shutting down" out of love. (Please note the quotations!)

To others it looks as if I intend to hold a grudge or be unforgiving. Let me make a promise to everyone right now. Anytime you decide to withhold forgiveness, you're hurting yourself far more than the other person. I don't want all of that hate in my heart. It doesn't feel good and like I said before, it makes my tummy hurt!

One day it hit me. "Turn the other cheek!" I was stuck in pure amazement the first time I read that verse.

"But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also." Matthew 5:39

It's genius! It takes killing with kindness to an entirely new level! Could you imagine someone's reaction if they slapped you and you kindly responded, "here do the other one too"!? Genius! I was finally reminded of this when I was trying desperately to figure out my approach to conflict.

Turning the other cheek is not instructing you to walk away from the situation writing it off completely, nor does it mean to let someone walk all over you. It's intent is to give the person over to their selfish desires which takes away their control over you. It puts them in a position where they are able reflect on their actions.

And don't be fooled. If you choose to use this for any other reason but love, than you're missing the entire point. So please don't get the idea that revenge is something I look to get out of this.

"Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, "VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY," says the Lord." Romans 12:9

Our desire as Christians should be to bring others to Christ. We should want others to repent from their wrongdoings and accept God's grace. You're prayer should be for your enemie's ultimate outcome to be a relationship with  our Heavenly Father.

"But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you," Matthew 5:44

Here is a video that helped me understand the meaning behind Matthew 5:39. It's very silly but breaks it down well!

God bless :)

What "Turn the other Cheek" really means!!: http://youtu.be/s-_GjIBskYQ

College drop out and productivity all at the same time!

The common question you ask any person is,  "What do you do?" This sends Harrison and I stumbling over our sentences when the question is directed towards me. My occupation at the moment is "student." So an expected follow up for that is, "what are you going for? " or "how much longer do you have?" These are questions that can't be answered at the moment. Dave Ramsey says that when someone uses the explanation,  "I'm just waiting on the Lord." That's just Christian fluff for "lazy. " However,  that's exactly what I'm doing and no that doesn't mean sleeping around the clock.

I have tons of ideas for things that I'm really good at that I could use to serve the Lord. I want to teach biology at a college level, I really want to open up a learning center,  etc. etc. The ideas never stop! My crazy brain overflows with them. There have been scholarships that have opened up for me and job opportunities to get my feet wet and obtain some experience. So when you ask me "what do you do? " The answer is truly, "I don't know" and I really am waiting on the Lord to open that door for me! But in the process,  I'm moving!

I have been taking classes in effort to finish my associates in science degree.  That stepping stone will offer a great foundation for me to take on whatever God has next. I'm working on getting an associates in finance degree as well. It's online and is not accredited, but like my favorite teacher and mentor, Joe Sangl, says, I will have a Masters Degree in my own finances. This is strengthening my marriage and my relationship with God.

Before my treatments, I was a go-gettin', straight-A, student. I could attack any course, take my time learning it from the inside out, chapter by chapter and get an excellent grade. This is where the recent scholarship opportunities came from. I earned them! However, these sweet instructors of mine have failed to notice that I'm not that same student that I was pre-chemo. I have seriously lost my mind and my failure to remember a thing has caused my GPA to plummet. My inability to concentrate has driven me to ask my teachers to cut me some slack. It's frustrating and embarrassing and makes me feel like a total failure. Now, post-chemo, the fatigue is 24/7 and the nausea will hit me like an oncoming train. I've lost over half my weight which makes things like going up the stairs a whole lot easier. What I'm trying to say is,  I look much much better. People expect more from me being that I look so much healthier but the truth is, I'm very unreliable and that's not from a lack of trying.

All that to say, for now, we feel God is closing the door on school. Harrison and I have realized that I am still very much in recovery. It's just not working. Each semester I have had to drop a class to help me manage and I still can't get a grip. I think my brain will return to normal eventually but for now, I need to offer my body something its been deprived of: time to recover. After much prayer and council, this is the decision we have come up with. I'm officially a community college drop out! ... For now at least ;) and like Harrison's favorite song says, "While I'm waiting, I will serve You."

I don't plan on letting myself slip into depression because I won't get off of the couch. I have much to keep me busy with a house, a husband, and a praise team to nourish. I don't feel like I'm falling backwards. I actually feel productive if you can believe that! Any time you stay obedient to God, you are taking steps forward and in the right direction! So you can obtain the title "community college drop out, " and feel totally useful/productive at the same time! Oxymorons like that only come from a devoted relationship with Christ!