Dearest Paisley

My sweet Paisley. Today we celebrate your life. One year ago, you surprised us all and came a little early! But that suited us all fine because we were so ready to meet you!

 

My baby girl, you will never fully comprehend the impact that you have had on my life. God placed you in your mommy's tummy at His perfect timing. The day you became a thought in our minds, was the same day that Aunt-T and Uncle Harry found out some scary news. For the next nine months, you and I took on a journey where God performed many miracles!

 

I think you were excited to meet all of us too! Your mommy was at the doctor's many times trying to slow you down! You needed to grow a little more in order to enter the world safely. In preparation for your too-soon arrival, the doctors put you on steroids to help your little lungs get strong enough so that you could take in this big world with your first breath. My doctors put me on steroids for my lungs too :) you and I were getting stronger and stronger at the same time so that we could survive. My lungs needed help for a different reason than yours though, my darling. For a reason you can't understand now, but just know that what God put me through made me strong enough to take in this big world too! Our medicine that made our lungs all better, also made me one of your favorite snuggle buddies ;) there was a whole lot more of Aunt-T one year ago!

 

The day you entered the world finally came and I could not wait to meet you! Na and Carson came to pick me up and the first thing your silly brother said to me was, "wow, you're getting chubby!" Little did he know that you too were going to be chubby! Which made for the best naps you and I had together.

 

Sweetheart, I tried to be there for your big debut but Na had to turn around and take me home. The medicines the doctors gave me just the day before, made me too sick for the hospital. But when I finally met you, you took a weight off of my emotions and sickness. Every time I got to hold your tiny fingers and tiny toes and watch you struggle to open up those big brown eyes, my heart would burst with all the love I had for you.

 

There was some more medicine that the doctors gave me that left me without any hair. I was very sad to look so different but soon enough it started to grow back very slowly. Your precious little head has been very slowly filling up with beautiful locks now too. I didn't like not having any hair, but thanks to you my precious angel, I haven't been alone ;)

 

My sweet girl, I had to say goodbye to my daddy a few days ago. My heart fell to pieces, but God had his timing right again. During the same time that we are grieving for one, we are celebrating for another! The day that he left this world, I got to come home and hold you. Once again you gave me so much peace and happiness during a difficult time.

 

Dearest Paisley, your life has been a blessing to so many that love you. I'm so happy that God chose me to be one who gets to look after you. And I thank Him for how He has blessed me with you.

 

I will continue to pray for your little life everyday. You have so much ahead of you, sweet girl. And your Aunt-T and Uncle Harry will be right there with you every step of the way. We will help you learn and grow and seek to follow Jesus. We will help you take on this big world with God's love and protection. We love you to pieces, Paisley. Happy first birthday!

 

The Full Dose

"I work all day, and then I have to come home and take care of a messy house." I could tell he was frustrated. The coffee pot was still in my hand and a towel in the other. I was trying my best to stay on my feet long enough to finish drying the dishes Harrison was washing by hand. My back couldn't take it any longer and neither could my patience. "What's wrong?" He asked. I shook my head as tears welted up in my eyes. I slammed the coffee pot in the coffee maker and walked back to the bedroom where I buried my head in the towel to catch my tears.

This was just a few weeks before my chest x-ray that would reveal the grapefruit sized tumor inside my chest. Not only was this thing literally sucking the life out of me, it was also in the perfect location to affect a number of my body systems. The ongoing symptoms were debilitating. Clearly my lack of energy and constant pain was beginning to take its toll on my two month old marriage. I was twenty-one for crying out loud! What twenty-one year old can't physically sweep the floors and wash dishes? There's a term for that: lazy. Which is exactly what I looked like to Harrison.

We watched a play in class this morning that stimulated numerous flashbacks. It's been interesting watching my emotions change towards different challenges during my time as a cancer patient. The first one was obviously total frustration stemming from, "what is wrong with me!?" 

It then turned to a short moment of fear when "cancer" was the word we knew about my two years of odd symptoms. Once we were well into fighting mode, my emotions turned to humiliation. My looks had changed drastically. People no longer recognized me. Yes, I cried over my looks a lot! Then just minutes after my last treatment, my guard came crashing down without warning. That part of the fight was over. I didn't have to play "tough guy" anymore. I was a wreck!

A lot hit me during those nine long months but never once did I think, "How awful. Oh my gosh! How scary!" No, I never thought those things. Not even with chemo, balding, bone marrow biopsy, bone biopsy, surgeries, etc. Those things never "shook me." Not until this morning.

This morning I thought all of those things as I watched the story of a women who was diagnosed, tested, and treated for cancer. I felt terrible for her! What a horrible thing to be faced with! But everything she went through, was everything I went through. The words from her doctors, were the same words that came from my doctors. I was feeling that way about myself. 

"If the nurse tells you your counts are too low for your treatment, you tell them to call me. You have to get the full dose every two weeks. We have to be very aggressive and totally consistent." My oncologist told me. And my response: "ok!" With determination written on my face and of course a smile. And no I wasn't trying to hide anything with my smile either. I was just ready to feel better and glorify God in the process.

I flashed back to that moment every time the main character's doctor said to her, "The full dose!" He continued to say this throughout the entire play. It reminded me of what put me on those steroids in the first place: chemo had to damage my lungs before they would lower my dose... The full dose. I was holding back tears, adjusting in my seat, and taking giant gulps of my coffee in an attempt to snap out of it. But they wouldn't stop. The flashbacks persisted.

The main character was dry heaving into a basin, and immediately I saw myself walking back to my chair, IV pole in hand, watching Harrison get up to plug my machine back in. "No stay there." I said to him. "Can I just sit in your lap?" With worried eyes, he sat back down and helped me into his lap. I buried my head in his chest and cried. "I don't feel good! I just want to throw up!" Then I saw my mom come in. I see now that couldn't have been a coincidence. I wonder what God was doing right there...

What I went through was huge. It took having to watch my experience being played out on a tv screen to realize that. I don't know if my emotions will transition into anything else pertaining to my situation. I certainly hope not! But that's up to God. And don't get me wrong, there was nothing bad about what I experienced today. I think this moment came a little late actually. Being aware of the extent of my situation will better help me to empathize with others and sympathize with friends and family. It gives me a heart rather than a stone cold demeanor towards real life situations.

Needless to say, I emailed my professor letting him know I won't be returning to class on Thursday to finish watching the play. I'd like to work out this reality without a room full of people ;)

It's Just That Simple!

I literally filled up on God's word this morning. I think I'll to have to force myself to eat for the first time today (3:00). I just can't seem to work up an appetite. I'm just... satisfied. Yes, you read that correctly. I'm not hungry! This time last year, if I wasn't talking about food, I was eating it! I'm still suffering from other symptoms of the steroids, but thankfully the garbage disposal inside my stomach has taken its leave!

This morning I was watching a show on Netflix that I'm totally sucked into right now. I'm trying to watch it as fast as I can so I can be done with it and stop flooding my brain with filth (it is so past R rated). Yeah, flooding it on overtime doesn't make a whole lot of sense, I realize that. But I just have to see what's going to happen next! Home alone, lying in bed, sucked into this show allowing each curse word to become more and more comfortable to my ears, the enemy had me exactly where he wanted me! We all know that idle hands are the devil's playground and he was toying with me! All of a sudden, "BANG!" A huge thunderstorm came out of nowhere.

Suddenly I realized what was going on and without hesitation, I put down my tablet and picked up my bible. I went to pick up where I left off in Proverbs. Then I started singing one of my favorite hymns. "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus there's just something about that name.." I know this probably all sounds silly. But there's one thing I know for certain: if ever you're scared or feel you're in trouble, just say His name! The bible also instructs us to cling to God and the enemy will flee. So I kept reading.

The rain started coming down like a monsoon which reminded me of the story when Jesus walked on water. So I flipped to John. I read about the disciples being terrified, "yes, this is so me right now!" I thought and the verse right after stated, "But He said to them, 'It is I; don't be afraid.'" Jesus came to comfort them in the middle of their storm, and he came to comfort me in the middle of mine the second that I read this verse.

So I read on. John 6:23 "Do not work for food that spoils, but for food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give you." It filled me with pure joy to read this. Nodding my head and exclaiming, "Yes! Yes, that's right!" It summed up a sermon I heard from my church in Arlington, spoken by my former youth pastor. In which he explained, the majority of us work very hard to finish school, get a degree, and earn a successful career. There's nothing wrong with that, but where is it in the bible to make that our main focus?

We work so gosh darn hard to have nice things and live a comfortable lifestyle, which is what most people would define as "happiness." A nice home, enough money in your pocket so you don't have to worry about little things; things like buying a new outfit for the party this weekend or accepting an invitation to meet your friend for lunch. I know this sounds very familiar to many who are reading this. And don't think for a second you're being accused... I have these desires too! However, I know where peace is found and it's nowhere near those things. When you chase for that so called "happiness," you'll just wind up chasing. The bible describes it perfectly: "A chasing after the wind." Come on, you can't catch the wind! 

Studies have been done that have determine the desires of the average millionaire: they would be comfortable if they just had $7 million. I guarantee if they got that $7 million, they still wouldn't be satisfied! They will either want more money, or "more out of life." This is not what God wants us to pursue. So what is it then?

I kept reading. John 28-29 "Then they asked him, "What must we do to do the works God requires?" Jesus answered, the work of God is this: To believe in the one He has sent." Wow. That's it? We spend thousands of dollars on an education, sign our next 30 years away to a mortgage loan, and kill ourselves working for that hefty car payment... and all He requires of us is explained in one sentence? Yes!! It is that simple! It gets better...

John 6:23 "Then Jesus declared, I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty."

John 6:40 "For my father's will is that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in Him shall have eternal life, and will raise Him up at the last day."

A paragraph. The answer to life's most meaningful question is answered in a paragraph. Standing in awe of my salvation once again, with tears in my eyes, I prayed, "God, thank you! It really is that simple! I guess our little pea brains can't really handle much more than that!"To have eternal life, you don't have say a bunch of Hail Mary's, or make sure that you're in church on every Christmas and Easter. You don't even have to be "a good person." Isaiah 64:6 God says our works are like filthy rags! All you have to do is believe that He loved you so much, that He sent the best thing He had to offer, to come humbly to this Earth that He created, and die for you. 

Time for my pop tart :)

Want to know more about this? 1 John talks all about salvation. And the book of Ecclesiastes explains in the the uselessness of all of that "chasing." ;)

Fear of the Lord is the beginning of....

"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of a whole lot of things according to the Bible." True words spoken by my pastor during our evening service. And man have I been fearing God these last few months!

 

This "fear" all started when a documentary came on a while back explaining the book of Revelation. It was the beginning of a frustrating rampant for Harrison. Once something gets in my head, it doesn't go away until I've completely dissected it. Many of my friends reading this are probably recalling this particular rant! I have a tendency to bring up my "obsession of the week" during casual conversation. Not exactly table conversation! But you have to be patient with me when I'm thinking in my "thinking zone." I will get it all out eventually! However, this particular one really caught my attention because realized I didn't understand the end times as well as I thought. The unknown gave me a sense of terror in the pit of my stomach. Knowing what could be lying ahead of me drove me into a scare that had me diving into God's word trying to figure out if I was really as "ready" as I thought I was. The end times: A scary revelation for me! 

 

How about anger? I know I have been very angry lately (mostly due to post-chemo out of whack hormones) did you know the Bible talks about not inheriting the kingdom of God when it comes to "hatred," or "fits of rage?" After reading that I had a long sit down with each of my loved ones asking for forgiveness, in an attempt to rid myself of all of my anger.

 

After reading things like this and (in the new testament, mind you! So there's no excuse of "well that's before Jesus died for our sins,") I was questioning my salvation. Now that is terrifying. The only way I know how to understand, or grasp the reality of eternity is by putting into perspective: after 1,000 years, you're no closer to the end of it than when you were there for 10 seconds. I do not want to spend that amount of time in hell. Are you beginning to feel that sense of terror I was talking about?

 

To calm my panic attack I started looking for ways to convince myself that I'm ok! I tried reminding myself of my faithfulness. There's one thing I can proudly claim: I trust God with all of my heart. I know that His ways are far better than mine. I have given Him my life: my marriage, my cancer, and look how He took care of those things! I also tried reminding myself of my accomplishments. God has used me on several occasions to lead others to salvation. This blog is another product of my faithfulness. I don't write these posts to puff myself up; I write them for Him.

 

This has been my struggle of mine for quite some time now. Am I saved? Was my seed of salvation planted on rocks instead of nutritious soil where it could thrive? According to these things I've been reading, the simplest of sins can send you straight to hell. But that's not what I was taught? I'm missing something! What is it? Then tonight, something wonderful happened! I ran across Proverbs 16:6 Which oh so pleasantly states, "Through love and faithfulness, sin is atoned for. Through the fear of the Lord, a man avoids evil." Ahhhhh... Yes! do you feel better? I sure do!

 

There's this thing that I sometimes forget to keep in mind when it comes to reading God's word: The context! Our bible lists symptoms of unbelievers. That would be someone who continues to live in sin; With no intentions and no drive to turn away from it. This certainly does not describe someone who sees one verse about anger and turns around to repent immediately, asking forgiveness of all their loved ones. That would actually be a symptom of a believer! Are you beginning to sense the bigger picture?

 

Through love and faithfulness my anger; my sin, is atoned for. Man, do I fear God! And that's how I will avoid evil. My fear of God's wrath scared me quick into repentance! That is just one of the many beginnings of fearing God.

 

If you have questions, or are struggling with understanding like I was, I'm a very good listener :) jones.taylorann@gmail.com And if you are interested in learning more about the blessings what come from fearing the Lord, the book of Proverbs is full of them!

Thank you Kennedy, And thank you God!

I was ready. When I heard the word, "lymphoma" I didn't even flinch. Don't get me wrong, it was hard and there were days where I felt like I couldn't do it anymore, but that's how trials are! For the most part however, I was a warrior. I know God won't give you more than you can handle and He gave me exactly the right dose of tribulation. Just enough to bend me, not quite enough to break me.

For whatever reason, after falling in love with Harrison, I have had a terrible fear of losing him. I was 19 years old and stressing out every time my boyfriend went out of town. What if he gets into an accident? I couldn't live without him. That's just nuts! You're not supposed to live in that and dwell in that. Especially not at 19!

That fear became real for me days after my diagnosis. Harrison and I held each other and cried all night long. He refused to get up from the couch with me when it was time for bed. "Let's just stay here a little while longer." He would say, "We can be closer here." We didn't know how much time we had left with each other. But once the doctors assured us that the treatments would work quickly and effectively, it was war time! And we fought through.

I was in the car a couple of months ago listening to a new song that I'm obsessed with! I was soaking up the lyrics and praising God for what He did in our lives through my battle.

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior"

These words describe perfectly what God put us through. As I continued to worship, that daunting fear took over my thoughts again: what if something were to happen to one of us? I began to pray and plead that God would get rid of those horrid thoughts and the pain that came along with them. "Why am I dwelling on something like this? This is so unhealthy!"

All of a sudden I felt a calm and then I felt God speaking to me. "I already saved you. Wasn't that enough? I put you through a life threatening situation and I saved you. Did that not show you?" Feeling relieved,  I quickly changed the station and praised Him all the way home! "You are so right!" I thought. Isn't he always though?

Some of you may be familiar with Kennedy Branham, the 14 year old girl who just recently lost her fight with brain cancer. Harrison and I watched her story on the news last night and instantly fell in love with this young girls heart as we listened to her loved ones talk about her. This girl's only focus was to use her tragedy to share Jesus with others. Always smiling and not once asking God, "why?" As I watched a clip of her, having completely changed in appearance due to all of her medication, smiling as she hugged and thank someone, I felt God speak to me again. "I gave that to her, I didn't give that to you. She could handle it, you could not. I will never give you more than you can handle."

I know that sweet girl touched so many lives, teaching others about the peace we can have through a relationship with Christ. God used her life to teach me something too. Thank you Kennedy and thank you God!

Response to the Robertson's

Yes, I'm doing it. Joining in on the commodity of all the reporters, bloggers and irate Facebook sharers on Phil Robertson's dilemma. Is it really a dilemma though? I believe otherwise.

Just like when studying the bible, if you focus too closely on all of the nitty gritty details, you will miss the entire point; the moral of the story. I have written about this in previous posts. In the midst of my sinful nature I will go ahead and admit that I am so tired of all the picking and pulling apart of every little word that was said during his interview. Quoting every small detail of his words, the amendments, and even Miley Cyrus for crying out loud! But in the midst of all of the commotion, I think God has done a very clever thing here! I mean He is pretty smart, right?

Whether what Phil said was pushing the envelope or not, who cares! Look at all of the attention this family has gotten! All of America typing Phil Robertson's name into Google, and youtube in hopes of hearing what he has to say for himself.

I've looked up his name on those sites many times myself. Not to catch up on the latest gossip, but to listen to his sermons. America is "googling" the name of the man who has made some of the most incredible points I've ever heard.

The only thing that man and his family hope for is to spread the good news of Jesus Christ. I think God has answered their prayers. I doubt it was the way they were expecting, but God has put them all in a position where our nation is listening to what they have to say. Their voices are being heard!

I say something often that I never thought I would ever say: "God, thank you for blessing me with cancer." Sounds crazy right? But God answered my prayers during that difficult trial as well: He has made it way easy for me to share Him with others. After sharing my "Mary and Martha story" with my pastor, in response to my  joke, "I didn't literally mean it when I asked God to use me to speak to others!" he said, "No, you just didn't know what you were asking for."

As I have seen Him do it many times in my life, I believe when you put your hopes and dreams in the hands of the creator, He's going to give them back to you bigger and better than anything you could have ever planned out for yourself. I know He has done the same for this God fearing family.

Mary and Martha

The past 48 hours have been stressful and sleepless. I did very little over thanksgiving break after my surgery and it dawned on me just how much schoolwork I didn't get done come Sunday night. My "study buddy" and precious friend, Jeanette, is in the same boat!

We decided to meet at the library on Monday to knock out some studying. Bad idea! I've mentioned before that she and I don't do anything but talk when we get together. And talking, we did!

We have always felt strangely comfortable with one another to share what's on our minds and on our hearts. She has been going through some extremely difficult struggles and has fallen on hard times. I just let her talk it out. Soon enough some of her old skeletons fell out of the closet, and I watched her fall apart before my very eyes as she relived a traumatizing event. So much for studying! However, I'm glad God chose me to be the one to help comfort her.

Tonight it was time to get back to it! We both had specific things we needed each other's help with for our upcoming test. After my night class, I went straight to her house to tie up some loose ends on the studying. "Ok, I have enough time to clean up before you get here so your timing is perfect!" She told me in a text. "You do not have to clean for me! The only reason my house is so spotless is because Harrison is a neat freak!" But sure enough, as soon as I walked through the door, the smell of cleaning products smacked me right in the face!

We sat down to study and got off topic before we even started! Talking in disbelief about the evolutionary processes that we were trying to cram in our brains for the test. The bible opened up before the biology book did! I have so enjoyed these conversations with her. We finally got on track and hit the books.

Before I knew it, it was 2am. "Oh my goodness I need to get home!" Our conversation went down another rabid trail as I was packing up my things. This time we got onto another blood boiling subject: her previous religion. She was shooting out bible verses that eliminate any possibility of her former beliefs to be true. She was going on and on and all of a sudden, I totally zoned out of the conversation. I looked at her and saw this girl who had been so worn down. Tired and broken. But then I was reminded of the mind blowing thoughts, epiphanies, and revelations that she has come up with so early in her faith and with nothing but prayer and God's word to guide her. She was learning things that took me years to figure out after numerous explanations from my dad, my youth leader, and my pastors. In the midst of all of her struggles and hardships, I saw this woman who was so bright and so intelligent. "This isn't her. She's not going to be stuck in this rut. She's so smart and so above all of this. She's going to be just fine and she is going to do amazing things. If she just put every ounce of trust and gave everything she had to God, Oh my goodness, He is going to richly bless her!" These thoughts were swarming my head as she continued to ramble. And then I heard a voice, "Tell her."

My head became light, almost as if I was going to faint. My stomach was exploding with butterflies. "Tell her!" The voice got louder. "Taylor, tell her!"

She was so caught up in what she was talking about and I was completely gone from the conversation. I didn't want to cut her off so I began to pray for her. Repeating all of the thoughts that just flew into my mind about this girl. The butterflies were unreal and then I felt them start to drift away. I tuned back into the conversation. "This is so insignificant. Why are we talking about this?" I thought to myself, but now I knew, it wasn't me thinking this. Jesus was talking directly at me and Jeanette came to an end with her speech.

"I have to tell you something." I started. "I feel so light headed and my stomach is swarming with butterflies. Nothing like this has ever happened to me before." The look on her face changed completely. "I have to tell you that you're going to be ok. You are so smart and you are so above this." I said.  All of a sudden we were crying. Why was I crying? Not that I don't enjoy and care for her, but I don't have much to do with her situation. Then I continued,  "Put all of your faith and trust in God and you will do great things. And don't dwell on this stuff; these other religions. Focus on what is." I told her. All of a sudden the butterflies left my stomach and heart felt like it bursted right out of my chest.

"Taylor, did you just feel that?" Jeanette said. "My heart just felt so heavy, but open at the same time time." She cried.  "Yes, I felt it." How did she know to ask me that? What would  make her think that I was experiencing the same physical feelings? "When you said you were light headed and your stomach... I was feeling the exact same way!" She continued. "Taylor, your eyes got so big when you started talking to me. Your pupils were so dilated." She then reminded me of the story she told me in the library. "Every stranger who went out of there way to help me that day, they had these big blue eyes. I didn't get it at the time but then I saw your blue eyes get so big and it all made sense. It was Jesus!" She exclaimed. This reminded me of how the little boy in the book, "Heaven is for real" described what Jesus looked like. He couldn't stop talking about His eyes; His big sea blue eyes!

"Nothing like this has ever happened to me before. This is just crazy!" I told her. She then told me of a bible story she was reminded of. "You know that story about the two sisters who had Jesus over at their house? One of them was cleaning and cooking and told Jesus that her sister needed to be doing the same thing for Him?" She asked. I wasn't familiar so she went on to explain "Jesus told her to stop and that she should be doing what her sister was. Taylor, I was cleaning like a mad woman before you got here but then I felt God telling me to just calm down. I get it now. Jesus was here! Oh my gosh, He lives. Jesus lives!" Everything she was shouting was so biblical.

This is the craziest thing that has ever happened to me. I have been asking and praying that God would use me to speak to others for His glory. I didn't mean that literally! What an awesome answer to prayer!

I went home and found the story she was talking about. I think she and I both took on the roles of Mary and Martha!

Luke 10:38-42
New International Version (NIV)
At the Home of Martha and Mary

38 As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. 39 She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. 40 But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”

41 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, 42 but few things are needed—or indeed only one.[a] Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”