A foundation for understanding

This girl is back in school! Today was the last day of my first week of classes and man am I beat! I still had to go home at least once every day this week to take a nap and rest up between classes which is something I was hoping to avoid this semester but that's ok! My NP who has become so dear to my heart keeps reminding me that I'm headed towards my "new" normal. I might have to make extra efforts here and there to beat any oncoming fatigue. Even though is a "new" normal I still like the idea of normal!

I'm so pumped about the classes I'm taking and the excitement continues to intensify as God reveals to me the things I have to potentially gain from each course.

I have already been down the beaten path of anatomy and physiology classes and somehow managed to come out unscathed. Those classes did wonders for my understanding of other everyday things. My amazement by our almighty God grew tremendously as I learned about each complex organ system. The events that have to take place in order for us to maintain homeostasis are so complex,  it's a wonder our body gets it right every time. Which enforces God's Word when He mentions that Jesus holds all things together. Someone has to be holding it together because there's just no way that! Its a wonder we don't get a "system error" every time our body goes through the complicated process of secreting a couple of digestive enzymes so we can pass our lunch without getting a blockage. and if we do happen to get a blockage, the muscles in our intestines are designed in such a way that they can squeeze any undigested pieces to break them up.  This is the 27 foot long tube by the way that is constantly contacting it's muscles to get our food from one end to the other that amazingly never gets tangled or knotted up. This is just one example of the millions of processes our body goes through. I don't know how that makes you feel,  but I get chills down my spine because God is declared and glorified in his intricate creation. 

You can tell I loved my biology classes. Not only did they aid my faith in our almighty creator, but they helped me understand other things as well. In high school,  chemistry was a subject that I never understood.  I just memorized equations and by some great miracle,  passed the class. I never understood the subject,  because I was never given the big picture. Where in the world are all of these chemical reactions taking place, and why? My biology class made me totally conquer this subject as we learned the levels of organization. These things called atoms make up molecules,  the molecules make up cells which make up tissues.  When you put tissues together, they make up organs.  When organs are put together,  they create organ systems. Finally,  when organ systems are put together,  they make up an organism (human). So when you break us down into our smallest component, you will find that we are totally made up of chemicals.  OKAY!  There's my big picture,  now I can make sense of this!

This semester I'm taking a totally different biology: Bio 101. which is a life science. After our first day of class learning about what this course is all about,  my big picture got a little bit bigger. There are two other subjects that I don't understand at all: history and politics. I'm embarrassed to say that I don't know anything about the civil war and I'm super embarrassed to say that I can't even grasp why we're fighting in war right now! Don't worry,  I've tried really hard in doing research but I just don't get it. Then I had a major breakthrough as I learned the objective of this course I'm taking.  Those organisms that I just talked about?  We took it a step further: when you put them together,  they make up a population.  Populations put together make up a community.  And you work your way all the way up to a biosphere.  I don't know about you,  but thats my big picture right there.  Learning about people together coming together as a population,  creating a community and then the whole world and everything in it that makes up a biosphere. What a perfect foundation for understanding politics! Going all the way back, breaking it up into it's smallest component. 

As for history? Guess where we're starting in Bio 101?  Breaking up history into it's smallest component, going all the way back to evolution. No, I don't believe in evolution as some of you know from my previous post, "doubting? " but it makes sense to go back to the very beginning of time to get a solid foundation for history.

I hope this post hasn't scared anyone away from continuing to read my blog! For those of you who struggle understanding anything: your job, finances, school,  maybe even politics like me... Have you found your big picture? Do you have a solid foundation? Sometimes we have to pause and rewind to grasp understanding and knowledge with more things in life other than biology ;)

God's Hears. Isn't that Miraculous?

It's time. It's time to share my sisters' story with the world. I have wanted to do this for a long time now but every time I sit down to write, the words just don't get down on paper the way I want them to. I try to tell her story from beginning to end but it comes to a standstill each time. So I will be sharing this miracle from my perspective...

I was 11 years old when my dad told me the exciting news that there was another bundle of joy on the way. I was going to be a big sister again for the 3rd time. God had already blessed me with Timmy, from my dads remarriage when I was 8 years of age and then only a short year later my mom announced that Amy was going to enter our lives. Now again, I receive the awesome news that another sibling was on the way! I was given this information via the phone of course because we had been living in South Carolina for 3 years by this time.

It wasn't too much longer that I had another talk with my dad when he shared with me that we were going to have a little girl enter the family and her name will be Mireya Simone Howard. Mireya stands for "miraculous" and Simone means "God hears." They didn't do this with Timmy. They didn't find out the gender until he arrived. And there wasn't a need for meaning behind his name as it was after my father's: Timothy Scott Howard.

Of course these thoughts were none of my concern at the time. I remembered I was in the back yard at our house writing the name of my baby sister on the side walk with different colors of chalk.

Later on that year I got THE call that they were going in for delivery! I remember calling Marcia to talk to her and the strangest thing happened to me: I started to cry. "Taylor, are I ok?" She asked me. "Yeah, I'm fine." Was my immediate response. That was strange... Something just did not feel right. So I sat and I waited ready for the next call.

Finally, the phone rang! She's here! I was all smiles as my dad told me about her tiny little hands and tiny little feet and of course her cute button nose! I just wanted to see her.

After all the talk and excitement about her precious little features, my dad began to explain to me something that was not so tiny: Her head. He started going into all of the complications that went on during the pregnancy that they were cautious to tell me about. Mireya had hydrocephalus.

During Marcia's pregnancy there was a blockage very early on. The fluid entering her brain now had no way to drain back into her stomach causing a massive build up.

During the next 5 months this fluid would continue to backflow in her brain, causing a serious amount of pressure that would crush her brain against her skull. This will lead to zero brain activity, leaving her in a vegetative state.

Of course the most sensible plan of action, according to the doctors, would be to terminate the pregnancy. My parents refused to go through with this and had to calmly explain: "As long as there's a heart beat, we will continue to pray." This infuriated all of them because now they have to waste their time with regular check ups on a soon to be lifeless child who had 0% chance for survival. Sounds harsh? That's how it was layed out to my poor step mom every time she had to deal with a nurse or a doctor. Yes, it was very harsh.

The day before her delivery they had to sit around a table with the doctors and make decisions on how they want to end this babys life. The doctors told them that she will most likely be still born and if she were to cry, it might only be a whimper. My parents had to make a decision on how long they would like the doctors to resuscitate if this were to take place.

The next day when they wheeled Marcia into the delivery room, she noticed there was a rainbow on the door. Hospitals do this when a could has died. But remember: there was still a heart beat and we were still praying.

The Sunday school class my parents attended was there in the waiting room praying for Mireya's arrival. Soon they started singing songs of praise as they stood together and held hands. Then at 10:09 one of the women said, "Stop, I feel like it's time to stop." So they stopped.

Meanwhile in the delivery room, 10:09 hit the clock and Mireya was here. She came out of the womb screaming with no need whatsoever for resuscitation. In that Moment, she declared God.

after the delivery my dad managed to catch the doctor and ask him, "how would you compare this delivery to a 'normal' one?" "Exactly the same." Was his reply.

Of course CT scans and MRIs were performed and her test results confirmed everything the doctors had predicted: Mireya has no brain activity. She is supposed to be in a vegetative state.

It's 11 years later and Mireya can do more things than I can! Her memory is outstanding naming all planets in order, recalling the family vehicle from when she was just a few years of age, and I could go on. And no, there are still no signs of brain waves. She sings, walks, and TALKS. Missy Prissy loves to have everyones undivided attention at all times! That's because God demands it. He needs everyone to see His Miraculous work so that we can rest assured that God Hears.

One Step at a Time

There is this person who has recently stepped into my life. I now feel that it is my God-given duty to be there for her. She is in the midst of a big trial right now and every time we speak, the conversation ends with: "Everything is going to be ok, taking it one day at a time."

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own." Matthew 6:25-34

You go, girl! That's exactly the way God intended us to live: "one day at a time."

Moving on....

In my spare time while I'm doing things around the house, I like to go back on our churches website and listen to the sermons that we missed. I listened to one titled, "Faithful Footsteps" written by our churches' youth pastor. The bible verse dedicated to this sermon was Psalm 119:105

"Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path."

Of course I always thought this meant the obvious: "Jesus is the way!" Right? Wrong! My dad tried to explain that verse to me one time. Notice it's a lamp that is illustrated here. A lamp certainly isn't going to light up your whole path so you can see where you're going. If that was the case, then the palmist would have written, "your word is a flashlight." We have to trust God for where he's going to take us but he gives us just enough light so that we can "watch our step."

I thought that was beautifully pointed out, but now that I'm older and married, I've learned that I can't believe and trust everything my dad says just because the words came out of his mouth-Something I'm guilty of doing a lot. I trusted his opinion 100%. Now I try not to do that. In fact I finally found something that I disagree with him about. Who would have ever thought? So to make my point: I thought what my dad said was great but I didn't trust that it was accurately in context with the bible. and that is OK because that just means that we are fighting to live right by God instead of living for each other. Everything seems to pan out better when you do it that way ;)

After my dad and I had this neat, eye opening, discussion about this verse, I heard Chase's sermon. And I'll be darned if he didn't say the same exact thing! While he was speaking he brought out an old old lamp. He noted that the lamps they had back then wouldn't give off very much light. Only enough so you can see your next step but we don't know where these steps will lead us. That's where faith steps in. We have to trust him for that part!

I love the example he gave with a recap of his life over the past year: He married his beautiful bride, moved from FL to SC, and now they have a little one on the way! He said, if God let him know all of that was straight ashead, he would have been terrified. God only gives you what you can handle.... One day at a time ;)

It's scary for me to even look back at my life last year. Got married, started the nursing program, hodgkins lymphoma, surgeries, no hair, switched my major, chemo, radiation. Could you imagine if God said, "Ok Taylor, this is where were headed, just trust me! Oh and here's a lamp for your feet so watch your step!" Oh no no no no!

Thank you God that you give us what we can handle a day at a time. And thank you for supplying us with what we need to help us get through it :)

Can you look back on your life and see how God was there? Guiding your every step, only giving you bits at a time? Can you imagine what it would have been like if it all was just revealed to you? 

Side note: Sorry, dad that I was hesitant to trust what you said but let it be confirmed my our youth pastor! Haha! He went to school for that stuff though, right?

Church Families

As I write this, I am on the plane headed straight for my dear husband. Oh have I missed him! He and I both have learned from this experience that, if we can help it, never again will we be traveling without one another over a long period of time. (I'm sure you gathered that from my previous post) However, we also learned a lot of other things from my trip to Seattle.

There were certain people I saw that brought back so many memories. This happened the most while I was visiting my former church. Those poor people probably didn't know what to think after greeting me with a "Hi, how are you!?" Because each time, I would burst into tears. Let me take a moment to remind you that I was not much of a cryer before chemo. I have learned that my entire experience with cancer has totally altered my hormones and I don't think my former church family was ready for that! It was a little embarrassing!

If you read my post "Our Testimonies," then you have somewhat of an understanding how much these people mean to me. I learned so much from this church. While I was there I had the opportunity to share my testimony following Pastor Bill's sermon. In doing that, I was able to thank everyone for what they had taught me and let them know that they had a success story on their hands.

First Baptist Church of Arlington's mission is "Christ in you, the hope of glory." I got to tell them that I saw Christ in them and He was glorified. I wanted whatever it was that they had and I received it! In turn, I took that important message and used it to witness to Harrison and he then got saved. God used them to witness to me so that I could go and witness to Harrison. They needed to know this and they needed to hear my gratitude.

I've tried to replace my church and I've learned that is not going to happen! We finally found a new church family at Northside Baptist Church after a lot of "church shopping." We were drawn to their mission: "Doing whatever it takes to share Jesus." I've learned that I can do that by letting people see "Christ in me, the hope of glory." So thankful for the people and the places God has brought me to!

Distance makes the heart grow fonder

"What the Bible Says about Marriage and Sex." This is the name of the book that has taken me 2 months to get half way through. Not because it's not a great book but because it's merely been a sleep aid for me. The amount of medicine I have to take to even make me drowsy is unreal. A good book and sometimes even a nice bubble bath seem to help out!

This is a book that I absolutely would recommend. It hits several points on marriage based on the book, "Song of Songs." The guy does an excellent job giving you a step by step through the book. However, we are not all going to agree on everything!

The title may have caught you off guard, huh? I love one of the points it makes about that particular subject: The world has made sex look to be a shameful act when it's one of God's beautiful creations.

Don't worry, it caught me off guard too and my father in law really didn't know what to think about it! I took it with me everyday to radiation to give myself something to do while I waited. After getting looks of concern from him for several days I finally decided to break the ice... "Want to read this while you wait? It's all about sex!" I asked him. "Oh no!" Was his immediate response!

Moving on past the title... One thing this book mentioned was going periods of time without your spouse. The guy said it was great. He was going with the "distance makes your heart grow fonder" affect... After reading this, I thought my trip to Seattle was now a fabulous idea.

I was just talking with my brother this morning about temptation and what we're supposed to do with it as christians. God says we are supposed to flee! Being a whole country apart from your spouse sets you up for a boat load of temptation. I packed my bags and ran toward it. Resisting the Devil?? No, the exact opposite. I'm sorry, Timmy. I'm a total hypocrite by going on this trip without Harrison in the first place!

God says a number of things about marriage in the bible. One thing He says is, "Man shall leave his mother and father and cling to his wife." Thank you honey, for vowing to me on our wedding day that you would follow through with this. You certainly have! But I also vowed to you that I would be your helpmate. It's not very helpful for you to cling to me while I'm across the country. I owe you an apology as well!

Now I'm not saying that things won't be great once I get home. I'm sure it will be a heartfelt embrace but things will quickly go right back to the way they were. We will fall right back into our everyday routine and it will be like I never left. So what do we do the next time we get into a fuss? Pack our bags and leave for a while? (I'm not saying I'm having marital issues, I'm saying I have come to understand that this would not be the solution to one.) No, God days we're supposed to come together during hard times. I love that Harrison acts that out, taking that verse totally to heart, every time we do get in a little tizzy. My immediate reaction is to leave the room but after a while, he comes in after me and pulls as tight as he can into his embrace. Just like God calls us to do.

So I'm sorry to the author of that book, I disagree with you... I do not think that distance is healthy for a marriage.

Another night to remember

I feel like I just had the best night ever but I look back on my time with these particular friends and then I know, this is just one of many nights to remember.

The second we got out of the car and met up we picked up right where we left off. It didn't matter that we havent seen each other in 3 years, it felt like youth group was just yesterday. I instantly reverted back to a16 year old (in youth group years, thats 5 years of age). We may have some childish tendencies.

When I first moved here 6 years ago I wanted to have them all over to the house to hang out one evening. We had a pile of junk food and a debate channel on mute. We were each assigned parts on which person we were going to voice. We were dying with laughter. I must say, we are a witty bunch of people!

Marcia came downstairs to check on us. "Do you guys want a movie or something?" She asked. "Oh no, this is good!" We told her. Who knew a debate could be so entertaining!

We also used to sumo wrestle in slow motion, spin someone around 10 times, shine a flash light in there face to watch how many times they would fall down, and then we put two peoples heads, each in a different leg of a pair of pantie hose, and make them run in opposite directions. All the while yelling at each other in our own dialog: the lisp! Friends, what would we have done if someone who actually did have a lisp come to youth group?? Hmmm... SHUN!!

My friends, these WERE the times of my life. These are my most precious memories. I know God put you together at the perfect time for when I came into town. I needed you in order to gain a relationship with God. Not to try and take all the attention but because of that, this point in my life was my turning point. God made you for me during a particular time in my life where it was almost over. Thank you for being reflectors of Jesus and making it look so appetizing and invited with your sillyness! It was then that I got to know our Lord and savior and began soaring.

I didn't soar for very long though. I inherited some new friends and headed down a horrible path. I didn't know if my old friends would want a thing to do with me after my disgusting lifestyle I chose to live after a while.

Thank you for your forgiveness. Thank you for not making me feel like I need to continually apologize for my poor actions. Thank you for letting me be the same old Taylor with you!

And thank you, God for friends like them :)

Update

I have not done a very good job updating lately! As most of you know, my last PET scan showed a clean bill of health. The cancer is completely gone!

I received a phone call from Kim and her words exactly were, "your PET was completely normal!" Normal?? The first time in two years... Normal?! My heart felt like it was about to burst out of my chest.

I fought for a long time to find out what was wrong with me. I didn't understand why at 21 I felt like I was 40. I had every ailment known to man that comes with old age: massive back pain, reflux that was out of control, fatigue, and the list goes on... I just knew something wasnt right and it ended up taking a toll on my relationships, and especially my marriage.

It doesn't look too good when you've been in bed all day and there are still dirty dishes in the sink because your back wouldn't last long enough for you to get them into the dish washer. I became the ultimate couch potato leaving Harrison with everything to do around the house. He never could understand but I KNEW something was not right. And now: normal...

Just because everything was clear didn't mean we were finished though. I had 15 rounds of radiation treatment to follow up for precautionary purposes. I didn't want to hear that after chemo. I was so ready to rest and begin my healing process but then it was time to fight again. My dad asked me, "Oh you can get back to it! We might need another cancer party, do you have just one more cancer party in you? Just to get you going again?" "I'm just so tired." Was my response.

As soon as I got off the phone with Him, Harrison saw the tears welting up. He grabbed me, kissed my forehead, and layed my head in his chest so I could just sob. "What's wrong?" He asked. "I'm tired. I just want to be done. I don't want to do this anymore." I cried. "Oh, baby you have to keep going. You can do this."

For the next 3 weeks, my support system was unreal. We broke out the calendar and everyone was eager to sign up for what days they wanted to take me. my father in law signed up for a lot of them and I thoroughly enjoyed our talks back and forth hearing old stories and getting to know sides of him I didn't know existed. He's a tough guy.. God has molded him over the years and he had some incredible stories to share. Thank you, Bing! I enjoyed our time together :)

My mom signed up for an entire week and I loved spending so much time with both she and my sister. We loved being in Columbia everyday because we had a plethera of food options. (Go figure!) Everyday we would take off to the doctor and then go for the cravings! Yes, I think we may have gained another 5 pounds that week but we had such a good time!

My last week of treatment was special because Harrison got to take me everyday. I was giddy to "show him the ropes," and let him see what I did everyday. As always sweetheart, I loved my time with you!

I am truly blessed and loved by so many. It's overwhelming to reminisce on all of my friends and family who were there in a heart beat to do anything they could to help out.

I was perfectly capable of driving myself but the support I had in knowing that NO ONE wanted me going by myself, not EVER (not even to a doctors appointment!) did so much for me emotionally. Thank you Harrison, Bing, Ashea, Aunt Melinda, Rebecca, Ashby, and mom. Having someone with me everyday helped me keep going. Thank you for doing the little things. Although small, they are paramount!

Yes, I am ALL DONE! When Kim told me not to come back and see her for 6 weeks, I really didn't know what I was going to do with myself. My next appointment is couple weeks away. I'll get my port flushed and I'm not sure if we'll be scheduling the next PET or not. One thing we will do though: gossip! I love my time with my nurse practitioner as well ;)

The medication is still a work in progress. The reflux is getting under control but I still have a very hard time getting to sleep and with the weight gain came restless legs... GREAT!

No I haven't had any great epiphanies which is why I haven't posted but I figured it was time to let everyone know what has been going on!