Update

I have not done a very good job updating lately! As most of you know, my last PET scan showed a clean bill of health. The cancer is completely gone!

I received a phone call from Kim and her words exactly were, "your PET was completely normal!" Normal?? The first time in two years... Normal?! My heart felt like it was about to burst out of my chest.

I fought for a long time to find out what was wrong with me. I didn't understand why at 21 I felt like I was 40. I had every ailment known to man that comes with old age: massive back pain, reflux that was out of control, fatigue, and the list goes on... I just knew something wasnt right and it ended up taking a toll on my relationships, and especially my marriage.

It doesn't look too good when you've been in bed all day and there are still dirty dishes in the sink because your back wouldn't last long enough for you to get them into the dish washer. I became the ultimate couch potato leaving Harrison with everything to do around the house. He never could understand but I KNEW something was not right. And now: normal...

Just because everything was clear didn't mean we were finished though. I had 15 rounds of radiation treatment to follow up for precautionary purposes. I didn't want to hear that after chemo. I was so ready to rest and begin my healing process but then it was time to fight again. My dad asked me, "Oh you can get back to it! We might need another cancer party, do you have just one more cancer party in you? Just to get you going again?" "I'm just so tired." Was my response.

As soon as I got off the phone with Him, Harrison saw the tears welting up. He grabbed me, kissed my forehead, and layed my head in his chest so I could just sob. "What's wrong?" He asked. "I'm tired. I just want to be done. I don't want to do this anymore." I cried. "Oh, baby you have to keep going. You can do this."

For the next 3 weeks, my support system was unreal. We broke out the calendar and everyone was eager to sign up for what days they wanted to take me. my father in law signed up for a lot of them and I thoroughly enjoyed our talks back and forth hearing old stories and getting to know sides of him I didn't know existed. He's a tough guy.. God has molded him over the years and he had some incredible stories to share. Thank you, Bing! I enjoyed our time together :)

My mom signed up for an entire week and I loved spending so much time with both she and my sister. We loved being in Columbia everyday because we had a plethera of food options. (Go figure!) Everyday we would take off to the doctor and then go for the cravings! Yes, I think we may have gained another 5 pounds that week but we had such a good time!

My last week of treatment was special because Harrison got to take me everyday. I was giddy to "show him the ropes," and let him see what I did everyday. As always sweetheart, I loved my time with you!

I am truly blessed and loved by so many. It's overwhelming to reminisce on all of my friends and family who were there in a heart beat to do anything they could to help out.

I was perfectly capable of driving myself but the support I had in knowing that NO ONE wanted me going by myself, not EVER (not even to a doctors appointment!) did so much for me emotionally. Thank you Harrison, Bing, Ashea, Aunt Melinda, Rebecca, Ashby, and mom. Having someone with me everyday helped me keep going. Thank you for doing the little things. Although small, they are paramount!

Yes, I am ALL DONE! When Kim told me not to come back and see her for 6 weeks, I really didn't know what I was going to do with myself. My next appointment is couple weeks away. I'll get my port flushed and I'm not sure if we'll be scheduling the next PET or not. One thing we will do though: gossip! I love my time with my nurse practitioner as well ;)

The medication is still a work in progress. The reflux is getting under control but I still have a very hard time getting to sleep and with the weight gain came restless legs... GREAT!

No I haven't had any great epiphanies which is why I haven't posted but I figured it was time to let everyone know what has been going on!

Doubting?

A dear friend of mine came to me the other day with some unsettling news: she had just found out that a very close family member was a nonbeliever. "He just doesn't understand why God would allow all the disaster and sickness to go on in the world." She explained.

This is a common excuse for most nonbelievers and a legitimate debate might I add. That is, if you haven't done a little research! I am so thankful that our heavenly father covers these issues in His word and through His creation.

Romans 1:18 "The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godliness and wickedness of men who suppress the truth by their wickedness."

The wrath of God is being revealed. This is present tense meaning that it is happening now. The world is suffering the consequences of their wickedness through these natural disasters and illnesses.

Romans 1:19-20 "Since what may be known about God is plain to them because God has made it plain to them, For since the creation of the world gods invisible qualities- His eternal power and divine nature- have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse.

I have read books and taken a number of biology classes and please let me assure you that there is no way that the Universe, Earth, or ESPECIALLY the human body came together by random chance taking billions of years. After studying all of these things, the thought of it is absurd.

Scientists like Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton, and even Darwin came to the conclusion that there is no way for there to be creation without a creator or a design without a designer. By that alone, God has proven His existence and like His words states: we are without excuse!

I wish I could put all of my favorite quotes and examples of body systems and analogies in here but it would be pages long and this is already getting to be a little lengthy for a simple blog post! Instead I highly recommend the book, "How to know God Exists" by Ray Comfort and PLEASE youtube Pastor Louie Giglio's sermon, "How Great is our God." You will be amazed!

Romans 1:21-22 " For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but they're thinking became futile and they're foolish hearts were darkened." 
For those who "play church," only go on Easter and Christmas, or go simply because it's what you were brought up to do- these verses are for you. God has covered those issues as well and His word says that your thinking will become futile and your hearts will be darkened. That's why your automatic response toward God is hatred when the disasters of the world take place.

Oh but if we would look for a second into the "why?" We ask it all the time anyways and the bible answers it for us!!

First, we just established the first point that people are suffering consequences. We serve a just and a FAIR God. Don't think for a second that no sin is going to go unpunished.

Look at the world we live in! We want to take prayer out of school and "one nation under God" out of the pledge.We don't want God to bless America, we want to take Him out of it. Well guess what? God knew that was going to happen and He already has a response:

Romans 1:24 "Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts."

America has made it clear that we don't want God apart of us and He has done as you wish. He has left and look at what we have done. 9/11, natural disasters, the killings, the rapists.... We wanted God out and look at how well we are doing without Him.

So if you ask, "why would God allow such a horrible thing?" We asked for it. And it is proven right there in His word.

Another thing many ask is "why do bad things happen to good people?" God has that covered too! All throughout His word, He explains the reasons why His followers suffer through trials.

James 1:2 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds."

What you are reading is written by a former cancer patient. I, myself, have been disease stricken. Not to put myself on a pedestal, but I do believe I am what the world would consider a "good person." (I say that it's what the world would view me as because I view myself as a sinner.) However, I was not "cursed" with lymphoma because God has left my side. I was blessed with lymphoma because God was able to use my disease for so much good! My husband and I have been flooded with blessings due to my disease and so have so many other people. I find myself in awe of our God everyday because I have watched Him use such a terrible thing for good.

This is the best way I can explain it. Before assuming, I ask that you would take a further look. What is God doing? Is He teaching us a lesson by giving us what we asked for? Or is He proving how miraculous He is by taking a terrible situation and using it for eternal good? And if for a second you doubt His existence, look outside, or listen to the beat of your heart and take note of His intricate design.

Take what you're good at and become excellent at it

I recently did the "Dave Ramsey" series and learned so much more than just the 7 baby steps to financial peace. Going through this learning process was my start of realizing how well Harrison and I work together as a team. God gave each of us different talents and characteristics in two aspects: gender and personal self.

God built man and woman differently. He designed them to have different responsibilities. God's intention for man is to be the protector and the provider. Woman, He intended for nurture and support. What a great team man and woman can come together and be! With the womans love and support, the man can have help and confidence to do his duty to protect and provide. God knows what He's doing ;)

The first time I noticed how good of a team we are is when we came together to put order in our finances. Harrisons characteristics as "harrison" (aside from his characteristics as a man) are to be organized and complete. In this way, he does a fabulous job with the monthly bills. Keeping track of everything on excel and knocking them out one at a time until he has completed our payments on everything. He is excellent at that.

My characteristics (as a person, aside from female), I am a thinker, planner, and a goal setter. I constantly think and plan the best way for us to put %100 down on a house one day, no student loans for our children, and retirement.

Harrison and I make the best team when it comes to just our finances alone. In order to gain success in your marriage or anything: career, school,etc, learn who you are. Learn every aspect of yourself. Who are you as a male or a female? Are you a supporter? And a nurturer? Then practice those things. Become great at them. They are instilled in you already so you have the potential to attain excellence in them.

Who are you as a person?.organizer? Planner? Creative? Morning person? Night owl? Auditory? Visual? Find yourself and grow in your strengths. Take what you're good at and become excellent at it.

I missed a few steps...

Treament # 12 has come and gone today.... Hello last treamtnent! No more chemo!  

Oh I was a blubbery mess this morning. Crying over every little thing due to the excitment of, "It's almost over." Nanci and Harrison were to only say few things to me about it otherwise i was forced to put my hand tissues to use! They did well for the most part. I had just a few momemnts when I had to hide and compose myself. I was very emotional!  

We went to our "big time celebratory occasions" place to eat: California Dreamimg. Harrison and I always get so excited for chicken finger platter, 2 side house salads, onion loaf, and croissant. I'll tell you those chicken tenders, as always, were out of this world! Friench fries, are aways a big negative on the day of treatment. The croissant sucked too due to my change in taste. Thanks chemo! But the salad, minus it's tomatoes and eggs (Which made Harrisons meal more enjoyable) hit the spot! Salads have been my craving this week ;)  

After lunch we were on our marry way and I cried a little more of course!   Once we got home, I was ready have my husband and just snuggle in his chest and fall asleep into ablivion. (Best naps ever). I had to wake him up though because I had started to cry again! Whew! This is starting to get old now, thanks. 

Ucle Shorty and Aunt Melinda came by shortly after that and asked on their way in, "How are you felling?" "Good!" I responded. "Actually no, not good at all. This one was bad." My treatments have never bothered me so bad to the point of tears. After my 100th trip to the bathroom, I came back and could barely hold myself together. Harrison was fixing to get up and blug my IV back in and I told him, "No stay right there, I feel like I'm going to throw up. Can I just sit in your lap." I sat there and just cried in his chest. Not because I was excited that this was my last treatment but because I just fealt so bad.

Ever since treamtent #9 I have they have gotten worse and worse, scaring me before each treatment thereafter. I'm so glad this was the last one! I couldn't handle another one. God gives us just enough for us to handle. And 12 was my max!  

We followed Aunt Melinda and Uncle Shorty home to take them up on their offer for supper: more salad! Shortly after we finished eating, I started feeling bad again and had to run back home. Harrison drew a bath for me in hopes of easing my stomach to which another emotional break down took place! Starting to get wierd! I didn't even know what I was crying about at this point. I couldn't pin point a trigger. It was just happening every half hour.  

After I got out of the tub and crawled in the bed with Harrison, it happened again! Twice!!

"What's wrong?" He asked.
"I don't know! I promise I'm not making this up, I just cant' stop!"
"I wish I knew what I could do."
"Just be here for the next one. I promise I'm not making this up. I know this has got to be so annoying for you. You can go into the other room"  
He didn't. And he stayed :) "For better or for worse"  

By the next mental breakdown I knew something wasn't right. I new this was not because I'm still overjoyed that I got to ring the "free of chemo bell." You don't cry this much because you're last treamtent is over. So I got in touch with someone on my oncology team and asked, "What is wrong with me! Has the chemo screwed up my hormones? What is happening?"   Her response:"You hit the ground running with this diagnosis and never looked back."

She's so 100% right. After 2 years of syptoms I didn't care what it was that I had. What do I have to do to get better? Was my immediate response. When it should have been, "Holy cow, I can cancer!?" Just like when you're sick with a cold and the doctor gives you an antibiotic to get better. I compoared this to that. An antibiotic to a cold was no different than how chemotherapy is to cancer, for me at this point.

You need to bioposy? GO for it! Let the surgeries begin!
Oh, it's Hodgkins Lymphoma? How do we get rid of it?
Chemo? Let shave my head. We'll have a party!
Vomit, fatique? Yeah, we'll quit nursing school  

We haven't had a chance to stop and soak in what all was happening. We were just (very quickly) Making life changing decisions. Now that these traumatizing episodes are over, they are coming to the surface and bubbling out! I CANNOT STOP CRYING  

I missed a few steps: The grieving steps. Now that the worst is over, I'm going to hit the grieving process whether I want to or not, I guess!
 
I'm hoping I can get the heck out of St. Matthews this weekend and just get it all off of my chest. So thankful for good friends and a wonderful husband and family who are all here for me... Even though I'm crying at tshe top of a hat! That's no fun for anyone!

I loved you before I met you

Today has been a great day! I had my follow up appointment after treatment #11 and was told I can officially say "so long" to the steroids! I am beyond thrilled about this. I have hit a record breaking 50 lbs gained from taking those stupid things. Thank goodness I'm done with them because I litterally CANNOT gain another ounce or the buttons on my pants are going to fly off!

Harrison and I went to Sears after my appointment and let me tell you, the elastic waist band around those maternity pants have never looked so tempting! Yes, it is time to start working this weight off... especially after that moment of despair! Ok, we may have horked down a whopping pizza at mellow mushroom after the Sears episode but come on, treament #11 was rough!

Even better than the good news on the steroids, Harrison and I got to meet our niece, Paisley, for the first time today. What a precious little baby we have just welcomed into the world! I have fallen in love with Harrisons nieces and nephews and now claim them as my own. However, this is MY first niece that I have known from birth and it's a whole new experience of love. I guess it's because I loved her before I met her and I have been praying for her since the day I knew she was just a peanut in her mothers womb.

I remember a friend of ours told us one time after meeting his baby neice for the first time. "You know, it's unreal how you can love someone so much who has never done anything for you. All she has done is be born."

Funny to think about how Jesus loves us. It's the same way. Before we are born again in Christ, we have never done ANYTHING for Him. Even worse than that, we were SINNING against Him. And in the same aspect, somehow, He still loved us.... Incredible. 

Psalm 37:4

Prayer. Oh, how important it is to pray for others. Not just to pray for our loved ones and our friends, but we need to pray for our enemies as well. The second greatest commandment is to love your neighbors and yourself. We are called to love our enemies.

Let me tell you something about prayer. God will always answer you in 3 different ways: Yes, No, and Not right now. In the midst of you continually asking and Him continually answering you, He is also continually changing and working in you. So never stop praying for something or someone. If you are praying for someone and you see no changes in them, just know that God is working on and making a change in you.

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." I remember a long time ago my step mom and I had a conversation about this verse. I believe that by delighting yourself in the Lord, that means you come to Him everyday with everything. Pray to Him about everything. Delight yourself in Him. When you do that He will give you the desires of your heart. In the sense that He is going to change your desires and give you new desires. Desires that line up with His plan. Isn't that great! If we delight ourselves in God, then we will desire all of the things that He has planned for us. Where you live, your job, your car, your marriage... Delight yourself in the Lord with all of these things.

Now think about it if we don't delight ourselves in Him. We will be agitated and unhappy in our lifes situation. It is so evident that we need God. If we consider Him in every decision, we will desire His outcome for us.

One Flesh

"And the two shall become one flesh."

I don't know where you are in your life or what situation you're in but I am married. Next to God, Harrison is the most important thing to me. Priority #1: God. Priority #2: Harrison. I have to fight to keep him second in my life. I have to fight to make sure that nothing interferes with this.

I have learned something recently: The grass is always going to be greener on the other side. Thanks to Adam and his lovely wife, Eve, it's our human nature to be tempted by sin. So if we already know this about ourselves, why do we even try to take a look on the other side?

I refuse to watch Nicholas Sparks movies, and I refuse to maintain contact with any "past flings." These things like romance movies and ex boyfriends will give me butterflies, and make me want what I don't have. I have no problem admitting this because I know that I am a sinner and I know that the grass is going to always look greener on the other side and I know that I am going to be tempted by things.... Things other than my husband. So knowing this about myself, I need to use it to protect my sinful nature from becoming tempted.

Marriage is not an easy thing. I knew that going into it and not even a year in, I can already vouch for that! I made a commitment though and I need to do everything I can to protect my marriage.

So we know that we are always going to want what someone else has and we know that marriage is hard... Lets use these facts to the best of our knowledge. God says the heart can be deceiving and he says to guard your heart. I love it when real life proves God's word to be true :) because I can vouch to those things too! And I know several people who can do the same.

Whatever your #2 priority is, do whatever you can to protect it. Don't put yourself in situations that make you want what you don't have. 

Another thing... I've worked hard to make sure every other relationship I have does not interfere with my marriage. "Man shall leave his mother and father and cling to his wife." That means that not even our parents can come before our relationship. Our friendships, siblings, finances, nothing.

Its been a learning experience maintaining my marriage as my second priority. My whole family: mom, dad, step mom, in laws, aunts, grandparents, etc.. Wanted to completely take over and fix everything when I was diagnosed with hodgkins. It's hard, but that's not their place anymore. It was hard for me to try and respectfully say, "Thank you but no thank you." It is now Harrisons job to take care of me. Its been hard for my family to take on their new positions as my supporters and let someone else step in, take control, and keep me safe... But they have been the best. Thank you :)

Making these sacrifices: not letting my own mother take care of me when I got sick, not watching romance movies, and breaking off every past relationship that was more than just friends.... Those are not easy sacrifices. I have to be obedient to God and put Harrison before all of those things though. I have to trust that those are the best decisions because God says so.. And He has pulled through like always :)

Even though it's hard, I am so happy and at peace in my marriage. I LOVE my husband and fall in love with him more and more each day. In the midst of all of our struggles that seems impossible but nothing is impossible for our God and that is why I have decided to make hard sacrifices in an effort to put my marriage in God's hands. Again, I love it when God's word proves itself to be true!